Something Unexpected
by HideTheDecay
Summary: When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.
1. Chapter 1

James: -it had been a week- -but it didn't even feel like that- ... -had been sitting there for three hours- -but it didn't feel like that, either- -had lingered at Harry's grave the longest this time- -the loss of his son the sharpest ache in a wound that just wouldn't heal- -though he really needn't move to mourn his family- -they were practically lined up- -his son in front of him- -his wife to his right- -a blank space- -and then his brother- -had insisted that Sirius be buried not only in the Potter plot- -but next to what would become his own grave- -and at this point- -he didn't care when- ... -felt responsible for every death before him- -and the guilt felt as if were crushing him onto the very ground he knelt at-

Remus: -found himself wandering to the cemetery- -again- -went there more often than anywhere else anymore- -just didn't have anywhere else to be- -everything else had lost its meaning- -all he'd been trying to do- -really had served no purpose- -Sirius was dead- -Lily was dead- -Harry was dead- -and they'd all died thinking he was a traitor- -and they were gone- -would've gone on letting them think the worst of him- -if it meant they were still alive- -as he enters- -sees another figure there- -sitting in front of Harry's grave- -knows immediately who it is- -considers retreating- -to let James have his privacy- -actually does start to leave- -but snaps a twig- -and freezes-

James: -the shift from vulnerable to alert is almost instantaneous- -twists around sharply- -natural reflexes honed from countless dangerous missions he'd completed for the Order- ... -sees who it is- -but it doesn't relax him- -quite the opposite really- -feeling something in his chest tightening further- -just stares at him- -something lost in his eyes-

Remus: -stares right back- -how could he say anything?- -felt responsible- -lowers his eyes- -still thought about leaving- -but at this point- -seeing his best friend so broken- -can't turn away from him- -can't just leave him there like that- I'm sorry to interrupt, James. -quiet- -hoarse voice-

James: -the words were quiet- -but the cemetery was so silent- -heard them as clear as day- -it takes him several moments to pull himself together enough to speak- -and when he finally does- -his own statement is rough- You aren't. -small confirming nod- -and then he looks away as well-

Remus: -nods in return- -even though he'd already looked away- -slowly moves to join him- -but a little bit away- -kneeling in front of Sirius' grave- -stares at it- -it felt so wrong for him to be buried- -trapped- -confined- -fingers lightly brush across a few blades of grass-

James: -faces his son's grave again- -now staring at the ground before him- -aware of the other's presence- -knew who he was mourning- -but prefers not to think about that- ... -actually thinking that maybe he should leave- -allow Remus some privacy- -he deserved it- -if nothing else- ... -now that James knew the truth about everything- -it seemed so obvious- -so simple- -should have trusted him all along- -and none of this would have happened- -shuts his eyes and grits his teeth- -keeping silent as he grasps for composure-

Remus: -reaches into his pocket- -and pulls out a foil wrapped chocolate kiss- -places it tenderly on the headstone- -always left him one- -they were always gone when he came back- -whether animals got it- -kids dared to come into the cemetery- -the groundskeeper took it- -or if Sirius' ghost came for it- -didn't matter- -still brought him one- -leans back- -glances over at James- -he seemed so fragile- -and that broke his heart a little more- -James was always the brave one- -the one they always looked to for their Gryffindor courage- -to see him so broken actually scared him-

James: -manages to keep himself together- -somehow- -pushes himself up- -and gives his pants a brush- -decided he'd just go back to his room for now- -was staying in an inn- -couldn't handle stepping foot in his house- -so he just stayed away- -turns away from the meaning of his life- -and starts to walk out-

Remus: -watches him get up- -feeling even guiltier for having invaded his privacy- -keeps his gaze on his friend- I miss you, Prongs. -whispers it- -not even sure if the other could hear- -though given how silent the cemetery was- -wouldn't be surprised if he did- -shifts over as the other leaves- -actually to kneel in front of Harry's grave then- -and pulls a tattered book out of his coat pocket- -opens it to a marked page- -had taken to reading to Harry- -felt horrible for having not been more of a part of his life- Winkin', Blinkin, and Nod, one night sailed off in a wooden shoe. Sailed off on a river of crystal light into a sea of dew. -reading the poem with fondness- -tears welled up in his cheeks but he refuses to shed them- -Harry deserved better than his tears-

James: -hears the words- -and it gives him pause- -but it's too hard- -far too hard- -so he continues to walk- -unable to breathe even as each step allows him distance- -but would keep on trying- -had to if he was going to make it through this-


	2. Chapter 2

James: -it had been a couple of days since he'd seen Remus at the cemetery- -knew he visited often- -sometimes saw the chocolate kisses he left- -had taken one for himself a time or two- -but didn't run into him that often- -despite the fact that they came to see the same person- ... -settles down on his grave- -resting back against the headstone- Hey Pads. -greets his friend as if he were standing before him- Figured we could chat about that one time we jinxed Snivellus' cauldron. -pulls out the worn leather journal- I mean we did that a lot...but I mean that one time back in 5th year, remember? -opens it up to a place he'd previously marked before coming- -starts to read the entry aloud- -Sirius' words from so long ago-

Remus: -walks into the cemetery- -intending to spend most of the day there- -had brought a white rose for Lily today- -and another story for Harry- -chocolate for Sirius- -sees James when he arrives- -hesitates- -but wants to be supportive- -walks over- -overhearing the conversation he's having with Sirius- You two jinxed it so that everything he put in it caught on fire. -offers the tiniest smirk- -places the flower by Lily's stone- -then sits down across from him-

James: -this time there was no twig to give away the other's presence- -so he jumps slightly at the words- -had been engrossed in the words he was reading- -lowers the journal to peer over it- -watches him- -his eyes falling and lingering on the rose- ... -looks back down to the words written before him- -finishes the entry- -before closing it and holding it in his lap- ...forgot to add the part where you helped get us out of detention. -his words are a bit brittle- -but the effort was there-

Remus: -trying as well- -didn't want to invade on him again- -but since he was there- -just.. trying to reach out to his best friend- -he seemed a bit lighter that day- -glad he wasn't the only one who talked to them like ether were still there- Not terribly surprised. -smiles fondly at the stone- -lightly brushing his fingers against the grass as he often did-

James: ...s'pose it does pale a bit next to the actually getting in trouble part. -fiddles with the cover- -looks down at it- -didn't have room to feel awkward with all his other emotions- -might have felt it otherwise- -as it were, feeling a bit more downtrodden- -had been sucked out of the past by the other's arrival-

Remus: -looks down at his lap a moment- -feeling like he invaded on a private meeting between the two of them- -looks at the journal then- I'm glad you ended up with it. He would've wanted that.

James: -grips it possessively- -pulling it closer to him- -had all of them- -Sirius had kept them in a box in his apartment- -one of the few things he'd kept upon going through Sirius' things- Once you sort out all the shags, it's not that bad. -forces a small smile-

Remus: -had never read them- -even when they were dating- -just never wanted to invade his privacy- -couldn't blame James for reading them now- -reminiscing memories was really all they had left to do- -briefly wonders if Sirius has anything written about him- -but doesn't ask- -doesn't need to know- -yet- -wanted to say more about it- -about how ironic it was that he never took notes in class but was so diligent about writing in his journals- -but hadn't gotten used to talking about Sirius in the past tense yet- -wasn't sure he ever would- -just smiles- -and clasps his hands together in his lap-

James: -glances up at him- -and feels that extra twist in his chest- -the guilt- -but it was already so heavy that this made little difference- D'you want to be alone...with him? -offers quietly- -hadn't been here long himself- -but it didn't bother him to give the other time- -they weren't going anywhere, after all-

Remus: -felt so guilty for having interrupted his time with them- -shakes his head slowly- No. -looks at the grave- -as it was- -Sirius might not have wanted him there- -with the way they left things- -hadn't really thought of that till now- I don't.. especially want to be alone.

James: -small nod- -looking back down at the journal- -it was hard not to feel alone- -lost everything that mattered- -knew he still had friends- -but had been pushing them away- -the sympathy and pity- -made him feel horrible- -just emphasized every emotion- -but wasn't sure if he wanted to be alone or not-

Remus: -didn't often voice what he wanted- -so immediately felt a bit guilty for doing so- -hadn't even asked the other if he wanted to be alone- -could come back later- -would rather James have his time with the others- -it was more important- I could go, if you.. If you do. -shifts a little- -already starting to try to get to his feet-

James: -shakes his head- It's okay. -hadn't really thought on it- -but the company wasn't bothering him- -felt mostly indifferent to it- -but supposes it was nice to have someone that understood- -to some degree-

Remus: -pauses- -sits back down- -didn't really feel much better at the cemetery- -felt as close to Sirius there as he did anywhere else- -but still felt the need to be there- -for him, Lily, and Harry- -nods- -tucks his feet back under him- -plays a bit with a loose thread on his worn sweater-

James: -remains silent for a while- -not sure what to say- -if there was anything that should be said- Want to get a drink? -finally offers- -not invested either way- -but trying to stay open-

Remus: -discretely reaches into his trouser pocket- -feeling for sickles- -pretty sure he had enough for one drink- -a little surprised he even asked- -but nods- Sure. -it would be better than going back to the shack alone- -at least for a little while-

James: -figures that was that- -pushes himself up- -and brushes himself off- -slides the journal into his jacket pocket- -waiting for the other-

Remus: -gets to his feet- -brushes himself off as well- -keeps his hands in his pockets- -finding a stray sickle in the other one- -couldn't hurt- -glances at him- Where to? -they had a few options- -used to defaulting to whatever the other or Sirius wanted to do-

James: There's a bar by where I'm staying. -explains- -wasn't feeling picky- -just wanted something to help dull things- -it wasn't terribly far- -a walk- -but not worth the effort to go there by magical means- -starts to head out of the cemetery- -brushing his hand on Lily's headstone as he walks by it-

Remus: -nods- -pulls a chocolate out of his pocket- -placing it on Sirius' stone- -then turns to walk behind the other- -eyes lowered- -following his lead-

James: -quiet the entire way there- -the other could have ditched him- -wouldn't have noticed- -likely wouldn't have cared- -just enters the dark bar when he gets there- -and moves to sit at the counter- -when the bartender comes over for his order- -simply requests the strongest drink they had-

Remus: -wouldn't ditch him- -hoping that this might help them- -didn't have high hopes- -but it was something- -it was something different than what he had been doing- -follows him into the bar- -sitting next to him- -orders the same-

James: -traces a chip in the wood with his nail- -waiting for the drink- -and when it's place in front of him- -can't be bothered to figure out what it is- -just grabs the glass and throws it back- -drinking a significant amount in the first go- -ignoring the burn of amber liquid down his throat-

Remus: -waits for his drink- -slender fingers curling around the glass- -looking down at the liquid for a moment- -then lifts the glass and downs a good portion of it as well- -the burn didn't bother him- -had been taking awful tasting potions since he was a boy-

James: -finishes it off- -and is already requesting another- -would slow down- -just needed that first dive in- -fiddles with the empty glass- -pushing it around slightly-

Remus: -nurses his- -wouldn't be able to afford a second- -traces the outer rim with his index finger- -didn't have a clue what it was they were drinking either- -reminded him of when Sirius brought back some alcohol to their room he'd managed to get from some older students- -none of them knew what it was then either- -but it had them all on the floor- -and sick as hell the next day- -smirks a bit at the memory- -though it's a very bittersweet feeling-

James: -notices the other's smirk- -cocks his head- -letting the slight curiosity show- -but not verbally asking-

Remus: -feels the other looking at him- -blushes a bit- -as he almost always did whenever attention became focused on him- -wasn't sure James would be up for listening to memories- -barely could handle the good ones himself- Sorry, just.. The taste. Reminds me a bit of the first time we drank together. -fortunately Peter hadn't been a part of that memory- -wouldn't have dared to mention it otherwise-

James: -when his second drink is set in front of him- -pulls it close- -but just holds it for now- You mean when I had to puke in the sink because Sirius was hogging the loo? -weak smile-

Remus: -nods- -still holding onto that tiny smirk- Yes. And I had to wait to sick up and hold his hair back. -can nearly feel a chuckle rise- -but not quite reaching the surface- -just holds his glass a little more gingerly- Ended up running off to the shower. Only other drain nearby.

James: Smelled bloody horrible, that bathroom. -continuing the story- -but it brought a painful ache to his chest- -easy to read from the journal and pretend- -but talking about this here- -like this- -made it too real- -sips at his drink- -trying to wash the feeling away-

Remus: -nods- Awful. -the bitter was outweighing the sweet for him too- -hand shakes a little- -clutches his glass a little tighter- -lifts it to his lips and downs the rest of it- -trying to swallow back the pain- -looks at the empty glass- -setting it back down on the bar-

James: -whatever this stuff was- -it was strong- -feeling the effects already- -and it produces the numbness he wants- -just needed to let the alcohol settle a bit- -notices the other is finished- Another? -offers-

Remus: -was going to need quite a bit more to get his own desired effect- -but couldn't cover it- -looks down at the glass- I.. -hesitates- It's all right. I left my wallet at home. -home, as if he could really call it that- Only have a pocket full of sickles on me.

James: -shrugs- I'll pay. -had more than enough money- -and now no one to spend it on- -flags the bartender over- -and orders him another round- -already halfway through his second-

Remus: -feels his cheeks burn- -hadn't meant for the other to do that- -could've just had the one- -glad he didn't harp on it though- -at least he was nonchalant- -shifts a little uncomfortably- -stares at the glass when it's set in front of him- -almost hesitant to drink it- -but does- -taking a long drink- -to try to catch up with him- -and feel the effects faster- -sets the glass down- Thanks.

James: Sure thing. -didn't do this often- -wasn't one to completely drink his problems away- -but found that sometimes it helped- -traces the rim of his glass absently-... -mustering up the courage to speak- Hey Moony... -pauses- -opens and closes his lips a few times- -but then ends up saying nothing in the end- -instead just plucks up his glass- -and drowning out the words that never came-

Remus: -takes a few more slower sips- -couldn't even taste it anymore- -the burning in his throat had gone numb- -glances over at him when he speaks up- -wondering what it was he was trying to say- -doesn't want to pry- -but- Yes..? -curious eyes-

James: -shakes his head- -ignoring the acknowledgement- -couldn't bring himself to say it- -and wasn't really sure why- -the other deserved his words- -but...-

Remus: -just nods- -wouldn't push- -never pushed- -well- -rarely pushed- -looks back down at the bar- -starts to finger the rim of his glass again-

James: -it was quiet- -but had come to the conclusion that this was better than drinking alone- -by the time his finishes his glass- -and is playing with the ice- -his tongue is finally loosened- -and he speaks- I want to kill him. -murmurs- -not what he'd intended to say earlier- -but just as honest-

Remus: -wasn't expecting him to say that- -but wasn't at all surprised when he heard it- -had those very same thoughts- -every day- -every night- -every morning- -never wanted to be a monster- -tried so hard not to be- -but in this case- -wouldn't have any qualms with tearing him apart- -quiet- -but firm- So do I. -already gripping the glass tighter from thinking about it-

James: -never thought he'd say that- -refused to kill- -only ever incapacitated his enemies- -against murder entirely- -but would give anything to choke the life out of Peter with his bare hands- Can't find him. -voice gruff- -explaining that he's already tried-

Remus: -hadn't had any luck either- -didn't know James had been looking- -but wasn't shocked by that- -wasn't sure if killing Peter would actually help anything- -but why should he get to live when he'd been responsible for the deaths of so many others?- Not giving up. -indicating that he was looking too-

James: -meets his gaze- -a bit more surprised- -but figures Remus had as much of a reason to- -though he wasn't sure he liked it- -wanted the honor- -thought he deserved it- If you find him...tell me.

Remus: -nods- That was always my intention if I did. -hadn't been sure if James would even want to know- -but agreed that he had the right- -would never take that away from him if he wanted to own it-

James: -wasn't the only one he wanted to hurt- -but the Order still hadn't quite recovered from the loss of two of their members- -and revenge on the one that had actually killed his family would have to wait- -the betrayal of Peter was more of a painful sting, anyways- Backstabbing rat. -his hand tightens on the glass-

Remus: -there were others had wanted to go after as well- -but would be better pleased to see them rotting in jail- -but Peter- -just couldn't bury that pain or anger- -Peter was the traitor- -the others were already the enemy- -nods- -jaw slightly clenched- He'll surface. He's not smart enough to stay hidden.

James: -small nod- -would just have to be patient until then- -needed another drink- -orders a third for himself- -and when he gets it- -knocks it back in a few seconds- -emptying the glass- -his stomach is left sour- -and everything in the room loses a bit of focus- -normally would've have quit by now- -but well on his way to getting shitfaced- -and not feeling particularly motivated to stop-

Remus: -finishes his second drink- -sets the glass down- -a little concerned about the other's drinking- -but wasn't about to tell him to stop yet- -understood the need to drink away some of the pain- -had taken to doing it over the past year or so- -but it got expensive- -so couldn't indulge all that often- -pushes his empty glass away-

James: -notices him finish- -and drags the empty glass to join his- I'll get you another one. -his logic being the other was behind- -not that he might want another- -or that he might not want another- -notices the look he gets from the bartender when he tries to flag him down again-

Remus: -eyebrows raise- -was the other trying to drink him under the table?- -had a considerably high tolerance- -probably due to the lycanthropy- -regardless- -this stuff was strong- -but doesn't fight it- -maybe it would help him sleep- -or at least black out later and not dream-

Bartender: -makes his way over- -could tell they were both somber- -and trying to drink away something- -but these sorts of customers were never his favorite- Another for you? -raises a brow at him-

James: -shakes his head- Not for me. -gestures to Remus- For him. -and then grins a little- -at the point he can find something amusing- I'll just share, right Moony?

Remus: -nods to the bartender- I'm a bit behind, you see. He's just being a good mate, helping me catch up. -matches the grin with one of his own- -and waits expectantly-  
Bartender: -shrugs- -fetches the drink- -and drops it on the counter between them- -before going to tend to someone else-

James: -plucks the glass up right away- You're too slow. -takes a considerable sip- -and then sets it down and pushes it towards him-

Remus: -could tell the other was getting drunk- -but really did understand the need for it from time to time- -was doing the same anyway- -smirks a little when he takes a gulp of it- -then takes hold of the glass- -and downs the rest- Slow and steady wins the race, as I once read in a Muggle tale.

James: -snickers- -propping his cheek up on a fist- -didn't actually have that strong of a tolerance- -always got drunk pretty quickly- -added to the fact that he hadn't more than casual drinks the last few years- -feeling quite pleasant right now- -if not a bit sick to his stomach- -mostly from the lack of food to soak up any of the liquor- Not if I don't buy you another drink.

Remus: -can't help but smirk a little more- -this was more like the James he was used to- -it was just sad that he had to get intoxicated to reach that point- -nevertheless- -it was more than understandable- -had to be tipsy to smile these days- -and it was actually a first tonight- -usually when he was drunk he just got angry before going completely numb and blacking out- No, I suppose I'd have to declare you the victor.

James: -leans a little closer- -as if to tell him a secret- If you ask nicely, I'll buy you another one.

Remus: -face flushes- -not sure why- -just- felt warm all over- -blames the drink- -and the fact that he hadn't had much human contact in a very long time- -meets his gaze- -turning toward him- Please, Prongs, may I have some more?

James: -smirks- S'not bad. -reaches over with his free hand- -and gives him a hard poke to the shoulder- Bet you could ask even nicer, though. -regardless- -tries to wave the bartender down- -but isn't paying attention to what he's doing-

Remus: -smirks back- -rubbing his arm after he's poked- -the other was clearly well on his way to being entirely inebriated- -going along with it- Could we get another sir? -a bit louder- -to get his attention-

James: -glances over when there is a large thump on the counter- -the bartender had set the remaining bottle down next to them- -ignores whatever sarcastic comment accompanies it- -and grabs it- Bags. -taking the first drink again- -but finding that maybe it's a terrible idea- -has to lower the bottle- -sways slightly- -and then pushes it to Remus- Finish 'er off.

Remus: -lifts a brow in surprise when the bartender just drops the bottle in front of them- -Merlin only knew what he put in there- -looks up- -then over at James- -staring at him as he drinks- -well- -at least he was cutting himself off- -was only a little woozy- -everything was fuzzy around the edges- -but still in control of himself- -picks up the bottle- -tilts his head back- -and drinks a good portion of it down- -didn't drain it- -but made a pretty good dent- That's awful. -croaks out- -hears the bartender snort from the other end of the bar- -definitely feeling it a little more now-

James: -laughs- -flicks the bottle- -winces slightly- -the glass was harder then he thought- There's still a little bit left. -slurs his words- Should finish it, but think m'na hurl.

Remus: -looks at it- -can feel his stomach swishing- -but kind of wants to defeat the bottle on principle now- -didn't want the gross drink to win- -focuses on it- -picks it up again- -stares at it- -tips his head back again and downs the rest- -held his breath- -so he wouldn't have to taste it- -sets it back down once he's finished- -dropping it almost as hard as the bartender had before- Either I win or you win. But no more.

James: -still laughing lightly- Such a poor sport, Moony. -practically coos his name- -mocking him- -knew if Sirius were here- -they could drink themselves to the point of passing out on the spot- ... -it's a bitter thought- -that pulls him from his amusement- I should probably go. -deciding this abruptly- -slips off the stool- -and has to cling to the bar to keep himself on his feet-

Remus: -watches his expression change- -knowing he probably thought of something he shouldn't have- -blinks as he stands- -and immediately leans into the bar- Right. Pay the man, Prongs, then we'll be on our way.

James: -snakes his hand into his pocket- -searching for his coin purse- -locates it and pulls it out- -starts to fumble with the drawstring- -but for the life of him can't get it open- -notices the bartender making his way over- -to take his payment- -but simply cannot open it- You know what? -pushes the entire bag over- -despite the fact that he was overpaying by far- You're such a good drink-pourer. -doesn't wait for a response- -content that he'd paid his tab- -peels away from the bar- -his balance shaky at best- -and starts towards the door-

Remus: -lifts a brow again- -a little hazy himself- -but coherent enough to know that what James did was pay that bartender likely at least three times what he was owed- -actually starts to intervene- -to get the proper amount out- -but sees James starting to stumble for the door- -wasn't going to let him wander around drunk- -he was worth more than anything in the coin purse- -hurries out- -feeling pretty dizzy- -but pushes through it- -to catch up with him- -wraps an arm around him- -to keep him upright- Let's get you home, all right?

James: -looks at him in drunken surprise- -not all quite there- -but somehow intent- You know where I live? -questions- That's so weird. -speaking of the inn he was staying at- -hadn't told anyone about it- -leans against him pretty heavily- -to keep himself stable-  
Remus: -that was an odd question- -wasn't sure if he was staying in Godric's Hollow or not- -wouldn't have- -and his instinct said he wasn't- -but didn't assume anything- I'm going to let you lead us in the right direction.

James: 'Kay. -starts to walk along- -but it's a slow progression- -but it wasn't far- -ended up staying in the town- -just as far as possible from his house- -but wanted to stay near the cemetery- -and so he was living at the very outskirts of Godric's Hollow- See the inn? -points it out as they get closer to it- It's mine.

Remus: -nods- -seeing that he's clearly not staying at the house- -unless this is just a drunk shenanigan- -didn't matter- -he could stay there a night and sober up if he was just making it up- Yeah? Well I'm heading in that direction anyway so let's go. -starts to walk with him-

James: -holds onto the other- -finding himself stumbling a bit more- -his feet catching on every little inconsistency on the sidewalk- -but manages to make it inside the inn without collapsing- -digs in his pocket for the key- -finds it- -and shoves it at Remus- Here. -there was a plastic tag that said the room number- -but too out of it to figure it out himself-

Remus: -walks with him- -keeping a steady arm around him- -supporting him up- -fortunately was a lot stronger than he looked- -walks him into the inn- -takes the key- -and escorts him up to his room- There we go. -opens the door- -and helps him inside-

James: -enters the familiar room- -it was very bland- -empty- -except small pile of Sirius' stuff on the dresser- -hadn't gone home- -so didn't have much- -had purchased some bare necessities- -but otherwise had nothing here- -tries to peel away from Remus- -and move towards the bed- -so he could sit down-

Remus: -doesn't let him move away entirely- -helps him over to the bed- -it wasn't much of a room- -but it was more efficient than the shack- -looks around- -seeing Sirius' stuff in the room- -most of it was things he hadn't taken- -didn't actually have much that had belonged to him- -didn't feel he deserved it- -aids him in sitting down- -which results in him sitting next to him-

James: -works off his shoes- -and lets them drop to the floor- Are you goin' home? -looking at him curiously- -didn't want him to-

Remus: -it was a valid question- -but it still caught him off guard- I.. -didn't have a home- -even if he had a room- -would never call it home- -didn't think he'd ever have a home again- Not 'till I'm sure you've passed out facing the correct direction.

James: Good. -agrees with this decision- I don't want to be alone n'more. -leans his shoulder against the other's- -and then lets his head drop to rest on it-

Remus: -even more caught off guard by his response- -doesn't flinch- -tensing only a moment as he's not been touched in ages- -but it's James- -after a moment- -rests his cheek atop the other's head-

James: -was actually pretty affectionate- -had nothing on Sirius- -but his best mate had rubbed off on him over the years- -and had always had a strange closeness with him- -where casual affection was okay- -never been like this with Remus before- -but didn't have anyone else- -so he falls into it and gets comfortable-

Remus: -wasn't used to this from James- -but tipsy enough not to really question much- -kind of wondering if he was going to pass out this way- -would have to lay him down if he did- -carefully anchors his arm behind the other's back- -not quite holding him- -just- -letting his arm serve as a supportive pillar to the other's spine-

James: -was feeling awfully tired- -or maybe it was just drowsiness- -either way- -gradually rests more of his weight on the other- -until he's practically laying against him- -as a black tunnel pulls at his consciousness-

Remus: -can feel him starting to go limp- -which meant he was about to pass out- -and probably not even really conscious as it was- Let's lay you down, Prongs. -slowly starts to shift- -and ease him down on his side- -more onto his stomach- -very careful- -very slow so not to draw him out of his soon-to-be slumber-

James: -hears a voice in the distance- -can't bring himself to try and figure out what was said- -just gives a groan of discontent when he's moved- -settling into how he was placed- -falls completely still-

Remus: -after all the shifting- -finds himself crouching by the side of the bed- -looking at his face- -heart breaks a little more- -thinking about what the other has lost- -carefully- -almost affectionately- -removes his glasses- -and sets them on the night stand- -raises up- -dizzy for a moment from the alcohol- -enters the loo- -finding a water glass- -fills it- -takes it to the night table- -placing it next to his glasses- -carefully removes the other's shoes- -placing them side by side by the bed- -pulls the quilt out gently from beneath him- -and drapes it over him- -crouches back down to where he was- You're not alone, James. -whispered so softly- -can barely hear it himself- -sad smile- -rises up- -leaves-


	3. Chapter 3

Remus: -it was the eve of the first full moon since Sirius died- -his first without being surrounded by other werewolves in the past few months- -was used to the pain- -but it was far worse that day- -each moment that the sun crept downward- -it got worse- -had been trying to reinforce some of the windows- -so he wouldn't be able to get out- -but the pain had gotten so bad- -was taking a rest- -slumped on the floor beneath one of them- -they didn't call it the 'most haunted house in Britain' for nothing- -couldn't stop himself from practically howling from time to time- -the pain was deeper in his chest- -because somehow Remus understood- -the Wolf knew- -he knew Padfoot was gone- -tugs his knees up to his chest- -hiding his face behind them- -trying to keep himself from crying out again- -but everything hurt- -didn't know what Moony was going to do when he broke free- -wasn't even sure he'd survive by the end of it-

James: -wasn't even sure if he'd be here- -just didn't know where else Remus could go- -might be wasting his time- -but had to try- -wanted to be there for him- -knew he wasn't going back to the other werewolves- -and that meant he would be alone- -so he makes his way down the tunnel leading to the Shrieking Shack- -already trying to think of other places he might be if not here- -makes it inside the house- -and grows confused when he sees that there are all sorts of things laying around- -things that shouldn't be there- -like someone was living there- -blinks and glances around- -his first thought was that some students figured it out and made this a club house- -but as he looks closer- -notices that he recognizes some things- ...Remus? -as if to answer- -hears a pained scream from another room- -no hesitation- -recognized it entirely- -heard similar many times before- -runs towards the sound and sees Remus slumped by a window- -closes the distance and kneels in front of him- Moony, are you okay?

Remus: -had been intending to spend the night alone- -didn't expect James to come- -had never expected anyone to come before- -they just always had by choice- -but with all that happened- -just thought he'd be enduring it alone from now on- -doesn't even hear him enter- -focusing so hard on not letting the pain through- -until the other is close to him- -never let the others come so early- -didn't like for them to see him in such a way- -lifts his head- -dizzy- Prongs?

James: -had never see the other look quite this bad- -not before a transformation, anyways- -but just brushes that fact away- -reaching out and setting a hand on his shoulder- Hey, I made it. -offers a small, supportive smile-

Remus: -very weak smile- You're early. -expression grows a bit concerned- Are you.. sure..? -it would be much more dangerous without the others- -at least without Padfoot-

James: 'Course. -gives his shoulder a squeeze- -and then lets go- -twisting around so he can sit next to him- -and lean into the wall- Can't be letting you hog all the fun. -much easier to force happiness when he had a need to-

Remus: -wasn't going to turn him away- -though he still didn't like the other to see him like this- -appreciates the closeness- -more than he thought he would- -weak smile again- I guess not. That'd be selfish, yeah? -winces a little- -gritting his teeth-

James: Incredibly. -confirms- -choosing to ignore the signs of the other's pain- -figures that was preferred to bringing it up- -and making the think about it more than he had to- Though you seem pretty cozy here on your own. -comments- -not talking about right now- -and clarifies this- Camping out here, are you?

Remus: -glad he didn't draw more attention to it- -hated being the center of attention- -especially for this- -didn't want to really address his next question either- Something like that. -quiet- -wasn't sure what the other would think about hearing that he was living there-

James: -looks at him- -and doesn't ask- -but the question is obviously posed- -his eyes flicking between the other's-

Remus: For now, yes. -as if he had plans to go anywhere else- -not looking at him- -too ashamed for the other to know his living condition-

James: Until? -nudges him just a little further- -trying to scope out the entire situation-

Remus: -shrugs- -didn't want to lie to him- -just didn't want to say that he didn't have anywhere else to go- Until I find somewhere else I can afford, I suppose. -winces again- -it was getting worse by the minute-

James: -falls into silence- -showing no reaction to that information- ... -notes the wince- -and then glances down at his wrist- -and realizes yet again that he left his watch at home- -but could tell it was getting close- -could see it just looking at the other- -pushes himself up- -moves away- -enough to give himself some room- -and transforms into Prongs- -showing his intent to stick around- -didn't feel right leaving him- -even if that's normally what they did-

Remus: -didn't quite know the time either- -but could most certainly believe it was nearing the point in which the moon had risen- -high into the sky- -eyes widen a little when he sees the large stag not too far away- -intrigued- -never got to see him before he transformed-

James: -thinks nothing of it- -the whole situation was unusual- -but would likely become their new pattern- -carefully lowers himself to the ground- -laying against the rough wood floor- -waiting idly for what was to come-

Remus: -always fought it- -fought the wolf until his body gave out- -even then- -tried to will him away- -even now- -when he felt he had very little left to live for other than revenge and for the person inside the stag that was lying in wait- -still fought the monster away- -except for when he'd been with the pack- -had to give in quickly- -to eliminate suspicion- -bones snapped and reformed in a gruesome way- -screams gave way to howls as he finally gave in- -and Moony pushed through- -as the large wolf came to fruition- -something was off- -immediately snarls at the deer- -not recognizing him at first- -it had been months- -fur raises on his back- -ears flatten- -lips peel back- -teeth glinting from the rays of the moon that controls him-

James: -doesn't have to wait long- -watching the other passively- -so he could see it start to happen- -is quickly on his feet again- -and backing away- -to give the other room- -had never witnessed it before- -and it was horrifying- -thought he was use to the screams- -but hearing them distantly was nothing to being in the same room- -can't bring himself to tear his eyes away- -staring in shock as his best friend is replaced by what most would consider a monster- ... -might find himself agreeing if this doesn't work out- -could see the clear threat before him- -but refuses to let it scare him- -simply lowers his head enough to appear submissive- -without threatening him with his horns-

Remus: -rears back- -was used to seeing other wolves now- -but recognizes this place- -starting to remember the stag- -doesn't let up on his threatening presence- -shifting forward- -sniffing the air around him- -and the stag himself- -growling all the while- -remembers- -he was part of his pack- -the pack where he was Alpha- -and didn't have to submit to anyone- -but something was still off- -snaps his teeth- -and paces angrily away- -instinct told him his Beta- -his mate- -wasn't there- -growls again- -barks- -didn't often make that sound- -but looking for Padfoot- -barks again- -this time at the stag- -a growl follows- -knew- -on some level he knew- -whether it was his connection with Remus- -or just instinct- -he knew-

James: -remains still for the inspection- -use to it- -and expected it to be more thorough since it's been so long- -and it was- -lifts his head back up when the other moves away- -and then feels this tightness in his body- -similar to what he'd feel in his chest as a human- -it was different as a stag- -but the sensation came from the same place- -knew why the other was barking- -and his heart snaps a little further- -but couldn't afford to hurt right now- -needed to take care of Remus- -of Moony- -but was at a loss of what to do- -how to comfort a werewolf?- -takes tentative steps closer to him-

Remus: -stops pacing when he moves- -snaps his teeth- -warning growl- -figuring this out himself- -doesn't want to believe it- -too great of a loss- -paces- -looking for the dog's scent- -finding it here and there- -whines- -pleading yelp- -ends up pacing all over the shack- -calling for him- -even though he knows he's not there- -finally stops near the worn down bed- -where the scent is strongest- -mournful howl- -finally accepting it- -and it enrages him moments later- -starts attacking the bed- -shredding the quilt- -the bedding- -then starts taking it out on himself- -bites down on his left front leg- -yelps- -but doesn't let up on himself-

James: -stills- -and doesn't move again- -wary and torn- -can't bring himself to follow while the other searches- -there was nothing to find- -and it seemed like the werewolf already knew that- -hears the howl- -and feels his limbs shake a little- -grateful he couldn't shed tears in this form- -wasn't sure he'd be able to stop it- -it almost felt like it had just happened- -and the loss was hitting him hard- -wanting nothing more than to trade places with Sirius- -so Padfoot could be here- -and he could be buried with his family- ... -but his thoughts are ripped from his own ache- -growing alarmed when he begins to attack himself- -it wasn't unheard of- -but knew this could go bad quickly- -calls out to him- -a loud bleating sound- -ignoring natural instincts that told him to run- -never fled the predator before him- -wasn't going to start now-

Remus: -tearing at his leg with his teeth- -blood staining his fur- -lifts his head at the sound- -recognizing it- -actually looking a bit lost- -doesn't know what to do with himself other than violence- -claws at the floor- -digging them into the wood- -whines- -almost pleading- -had never had to understand loss before-

James: -sees the look- -and it encourages him to close the distance- -and approach him in a way he hadn't ever really before- -was a part of the werewolf's pack- -but was generally left in the background- -watching Padfoot and Moony interact- -and tagging along in a way that would be unacceptable any other time- -nudges him with his snout- -gently brushing his shoulder several times-

Remus: -tenses at first- -but doesn't attack him- -just stands there- -whines softly- -feeling urges to bite and claw himself apart- -but the stag's regal presence almost always kept him somewhat calm- -something about him- -even though he ought to have been hunting him- -whines again-

James: -can't even return the sound- -and tell him he felt the same way- ... -decides to lay next to the other- -normally wouldn't allow such a vulnerable position- -but there had been a trust built up over the years- -and it was all he could think of to do- -slowly lowers himself down- -legs curling up underneath him- -and allows his side to barely touch the other-

Remus: -lays his head on his paws- -just remaining still for a moment- -whimpers- -likely would be back on his feet later- -when the calm gave way to rage again- -but for now lays still- -helpless-

James: -when the werewolf settles down next to him- -was the best he could have hoped for- -grateful for the calm in the room- -didn't expect it to last- -it was just another hurtle- -in a progression that seemed endless- -remains where he is- -shifting no closer- -but also no further- -makes another sound- -softer- -sadder- -settling into this for as long as it lasted-

Remus: -it wasn't terribly long before he was up again- -going back and forth between raging and calm the rest of the night- -until the moon set and he grew weaker- -by that point gives up- -going through the motions of changing back- -whimpering- -howling- -until he changes back- -a limp, broken, bleeding Remus left on the floor by the end of it-

James: -it's so difficult to watch- -but is there for every second of it- -not allowing himself to think about it- -just doing what he had to- -trying his best to keep him calm as much as possible- -so Remus wouldn't have to pay the price in the end- -it'd gotten to the point that he would have normally left- -but had been here since the start- -and there was nothing left to see but the change back- -it doesn't seem as painful as it had earlier that night- -but that was probably because it knocked him cold for the initial minutes of his transformation back- -knew the other needed medical attention- -but needs a moment to collect himself- -because the emotions- -which were already so raw- -were bubbling just beneath the surface of responsibility- -and would grow with intensity once his shifted back- ... -doesn't wait long- -withdrawing his wand as soon as he's on two feet again- -kneels down next to him- -and starts to heal what he can now- -to help with wounds that were still bleeding-

Remus: -always a little delirious when he comes to- -feeling wretched- -blindly reaches out- -for Sirius- -the other was always there- -even in the bad times- -finding only emptiness and hard wood- -can feel mild relief coming in the form of healing spells- -starting to come to- -remembering reality- I'm sorry. -weak- -almost always apologized right after of the others were there- Jamie..?

James: -ignores the apology- -always did- -it wasn't even worth acknowledging- -because he shouldn't be apologizing at all- Hey, Remmy. -replies softly- -returning a nickname he hadn't used in years- You're looking pretty good, you know. -forces a smile- -there was actually truth to his words- -he was still injured- -but it could have been so much worse-

Remus: -labored breaths- -was actually surprised he was still alive- -expected Moony to rip himself to shreds- -looking at his arm- -could see he nearly had begun too- -figuring Prongs must have stopped him at some point- Did I hurt you?

James: -shakes his head- No, Moony didn't hurt me. -making that clarification- -gives him another check over- -he'd need his salves- -but had closed every wound he could find to the best of his ability- You feeling alright? -slips his wand away- -and scoots closer- -so he was kneeling at the other's shoulder- -looking down at him-

Remus: -exhausted- -was a wreck- -physically and emotionally- -but was too worn out to really think much about either- -could still feel the Wolf's sorrow- -meshed with his own- -looks up without lifting his head- Peachy. -weak smile-

James: -able to return it- -and force a little more strength into it- Thought so. -quiet for a moment- -before realizing he'd already made a decision- -hadn't thought on it- -but now that it occurred to him- -already knew what he was going to do- You think you can get up? -rises up himself- -and leans down to offer him help-

Remus: -wasn't sure- -his legs seemed okay- -didn't think they were broken- I'll try. -takes the offered help- -stumbling- -having to readjust to standing up right- -could tell he'd damaged his ribs- -shaky at first- -but manages not to fall- -just needed to get to the bed- -what was left of it- If you could just help me over there, I'll be all right.

James: -keeps an arm around him- -to keep him steady- -shakes his head- -remaining still- Think you're up to side-along? -questions- -wasn't letting him stay here- -hated the thought- -even if it was just to rest for the night-

Remus: -unsure where he was going with this- -always just passed out in the bed until he'd slept long enough to do something with himself- -leaning on him heavily- -felt guilty about that- -always felt that way when he received help- My clothes. There. -the ones he'd had on before had shredded apart during the transition- -but had put out a new set for morning before it was too hard to move- -too weak to cast a retrieving spell-

James: -wasn't practiced with wandless magic- -so couldn't summon it with one hand full- -ends up guiding him over to the bed and letting him sit- -before physically retrieving the clothes and bringing them over- -knew how tired and weak he was- -should let him stay to get his strength up- -but pushing him just a little bit further couldn't hurt- -sets them down next to him- -would offer his help if he needed it-

Remus: -manages to pull the cardigan on- -not even attempting the shirt he'd gotten to go with it- -it takes quite a bit of effort- -but manages to pull on the pajama bottoms he had- -let's out an exhausted breath- Thank you.

James: -nods- -then offers his hand again- -to pull him back up- -luckily the Shrieking Shack was technically in Hogsmead- -which was not affected by Hogwarts Apparition barriers- -so they didn't have to move in order to leave-

Remus: -takes his hand- -still a bit weak on his feet- -wincing as he stands- -ends up leaning on him again- -tries to clear his mind- -to let James take them out of the Shack-

James: -hesitates- -now that he was about to- -not sure that he could- -but convinces himself that it isn't about his own wants- -but his friend's needs- -pulls in a long breath- -and shuts his eyes- -and when he opens them again- -is in a simple bedroom- -plainly decorated as to be comfortable for guests- ... -glad that the wards had been removed from his house after...it- -starts to guide him towards the bed- -significantly more comfortable than the one Remus had been sitting on a minute before-

Remus: -feels even more woozy after the travel- -but nothing splinched- -sits on the bed- -surprised by its comfort- -hadn't known where they were going- -but knows right away once he get his wits about him- Jamie.. -doesn't want to say anything else about the house- -but had figured the other hadn't been spending much time there if any at all- -since he'd been staying at an inn before-

James: C'mon, Moony. -gives him a small push- -urging him to lay back- You need to rest. -focusing on this fact so hard- -couldn't let himself think about where he was- -just couldn't-

Remus: -could tell he was trying- -didn't want to think about where they were either- -it was painful for him too- -just not nearly as much- -does as he says- -and lays back-

James: -busies himself with adjusting the pillow- -and pulling up the blanket- -distracting himself- I'm going to bring some of your salves, alright? -never mind that he could just leave the room, go to the bathroom, and fetch his own- Try to get some rest. -a loud crack is the only response the room ever gets-


	4. Chapter 4

James: -wakes up sometime late in the afternoon- -opens tired eyes and automatically reaches for his glasses- -but finds there is no nightstand next to him- -sits up when he realizes he was sleeping on a couch- -and then everything that had happened last night falls into place- -a frown pulls at his mouth- -but stops himself there- -grabs his glasses- -and slips them on- -glances around the room- -and see a small pile of Remus' things- -was pretty sure that was everything he owned- ... -no matter- -he'd at least have a roof over his head now- -a real roof, at that- -pushes himself up and moves to grab the salves- -it's easy to focus on that- -should have taken them up as soon as he got back- -but had been so tired- -pretty much passed out- -figures Remus could've used the rest as well- -moves into the kitchen to fill up a glass of water as well- -ignoring everything but what he needed- -a glass- -and the sink- -once the glass is filled- -leaves the room and heads up stairs- -walks through the open doorway and moves to sit on the edge of the bed-

Remus: -had passed out shortly after James left- -so exhausted- -as he always was the day after- -the transformation had really done a number on him this time around- -mangled himself up pretty bad- -knew he would've been dead had it not been for James- -didn't want to die until he'd seen Peter dead- -but all thoughts had to wait until after he slept- -too exhausted to even dream- -which was a blessing- -stirs when he feels the weight of another on the bed- -eyelids fluttering- -slowly pulls himself out of slumber and into consciousness- -eyes open partially-

James: -forces another smile- -they just never came naturally anymore- Morning. -glances towards the window- Or evening, really. -holds out the glass of water for him- Here.

Remus: -becoming more and more self aware- -looks at James- -then at the water- -raised the arm he hadn't shredded to take hold of it- -wasn't sure why James brought them there- -it didn't seem like a good idea- -but doesn't mention it- -takes a sip- -the cold felt soothing on his dry throat- Thank you. -a little less hoarse than he had been-

James: Welcome. -sets the different salves on the bed next to him- These should help... -and because he doesn't want to encourage silence- I can put them on for you, if you want.

Remus: -was always too ashamed to ask for help- -Sirius usually just did it for him- -feels his cheeks grow warm with shame- -lowers his eyes- I.. I would appreciate it. You don't have to..

James: -notes the reaction- -but isn't sure what to say- I don't mind. -slips the glass out of his grasp and sets it aside- -glances over the label on each- -figuring out what they were for- Just sit up and take your shirt off.

Remus: -tries to comply- -feeling even more self-conscious- -it was one thing for doctor James to have seen him without clothes on just after the transformation- -but undressing willingly had always made him feel shy- -the way his body looked- -knew he was even more mangled- -unbuttons the cardigan- -and lets it slide down his shoulders- -after slowly sitting up-

James: -decides to start with the arm- -since it was the worst part- -opens up one of the tubes- -carefully pulls the other's arm close- -squeezes some onto his skin- -and starts to work it in- -focusing on not disturb the healing wounds too much- -keeping his actions gentle, but thorough-

Remus: -winces initially- -it always hurt at first- -had a pretty high tolerance for pain- -sits very still- -focusing on not making sound- -looking at his lap- -could recall nearly every time Sirius did this for him- -feeling his heart break a little more before he shoves that thought away-

James: -having something to focus his attention on helped so much- -there were few things that he ever scrutinized so intensely- -the ability probably would've serve him well- -if it wasn't just defense mechanism- -graduates higher and higher up his arm- -until he reaches his shoulder- -slides closer- -moving so he can reach his back- -and continue- -using mostly pain salve here- -because he didn't hurt his back much this time-

Remus: -trying to be as still as possible- -staring at his arm- -it still looked awful- -wouldn't ever be able to wear short sleeves- -not that he did much anyway- -feeling more and more shamed the more the other helps- -despite his appreciation- -just felt like such a burden- -it was likely self imposed- -but it was hard to shake-

James: -this area isn't hard to cover- -so he spends his time massaging it in- -and then he shifts back to the front- -there were some claw marks on his chest- -uses what salve he had still on his hands to begin with- -and then squeezes more as needed- -running his hands across his chest- -so focused on what he's doing- -doesn't even notice as his hands slide against the other's nipples several times during his- -and removed enough from what he was doing that he wouldn't care even if he did-

Remus: -moves when he needs to- -to let the other help- -never been quite so physically close to him for this long- -not thinking so much on that until he shifts to tending to his chest- -feels a flush of warmth flood through him as he touches his nipples every now and then- -mostly out of embarrassment rather than anything else- -so ashamed of himself- -shaky breath-

James: -glances up when he hears the breath- ...is this okay? -questions- -wondering for the first time if he was doing this right- -hadn't been corrected so far- -but pulls back slightly in wariness-

Remus: -blinks- -coming back into reality after a moment- -looks up at him- -was it okay?- -nods- Yes. Just a bit tender here and there. But that's what this is for. -why were his ears burning?- -likely because he hated being the center of attention to anyone-

James: -small nod- -figures Remus doesn't like being so exposed in front of him- -couldn't blame him- -the others had always been like this- -so when he continues- -works a bit faster- -until he finishes up- Let me get you some bandages. -closes all the salves- -and sets them over on the dresser- -would bring up the rest of his stuff later- -for now- -heads to his bathroom- -and washes his hands- -before grabbing a couple long rolls of cotton- -and heading back into the room- -sits down where he was and proceeds to wrap up the worst wounds-

Remus: -returns to looking down at his lap- -feeling guilty for the other having to do this- -would've felt a hundred times worse had James been the one hurt- -shifts again as needed- -the salves were starting to work- -making him physically a bit more comfortable-

James: -finally finishes up- Do you want a clean shirt? -could let Remus borrow one of his- -it would be a little too big- -but that hardly mattered right now-

Remus: -the offer makes him feel even more guilty about the whole thing- -shakes his head a little- That's all right. This will be easier to change in and out of when I need to clean and redress everything later. -lifts his gaze to meet the other's- Thank you. -sincere-

James: -nods- ... -breaks the gaze- -feeling a bit awkward- -now that he was done- -and there was nothing to do- -or say- -can't remember the last time he spent so much time with Remus alone- -or the last time he took care of him alone- -was there even a last time?- I'll make breakfast soon. -hungry- -and figured the other was as well- Just don't expect anything good. -can't cook- -and hadn't been the one to normally- ... -refuses to think her name- -can't- -not right now-

Remus: -starts to offer to help- -pauses- -actually was pretty good at it when he had food to cook- -which hadn't been for a while- -but since he can barely move- -probably wouldn't be smart to try- I can help you? -offers anyway- -didn't want to just lie there useless-

James: -shakes his head- I got it. -stands up- -slides a hand into his pocket- You can cook tomorrow, though. -wouldn't say no to that- -didn't particularly like fixing food- -was probably going to wind up in restaurants most meals- Why don't you just rest some more for now?

Remus: -nods- -but blinks a little in confusion- -tomorrow?- -thought he'd want him gone by then- -or at least that they'd both leave the house- -since James didn't want to be there- All right..

James: Night, Moony. -figuring he'd be going back to sleep- -heads out of the room- -and closes the door behind him this time- -decides to head out of the house- -go back to the inn- -grab Sirius' stuff- -and check out- -then would set about making their extremely late breakfast-

Remus: -laid there for a long time- -just staring at the ceiling- -it was almost torturous- -because he was just left with his thoughts- -and his losses- -and his pain- -eventually falls asleep again- -too worn out to keep his eyes open-


	5. Chapter 5

James: -wound up stopping by a shop to pick up some items the house needed- -really was just avoiding going back- -but couldn't even acknowledge this truth- -doing so would just make it harder- ... -eventually there is nothing else he can do- -enters the house again- -dropping his bags onto the counter- -looks at the box of journals in his arms- -not sure where he should put it- -kind of wanted it in his room- -where they would be away but nearby- -even if he didn't have any plans to actually _stay _in his room- -the idea of sleeping in his marital bed was unbearable- -but figures dropping them off up there couldn't hurt- -heads up to his bedroom for the first time since the funeral- -but that's not the room that captures his attention- -instead it's the room across from it- -closed off by a white door that had the name 'Harry' neatly stenciled into the wood- -stares at the red letters- -his grip on the box loosening- -knows what happened in there- -and knows that he should _not_ open that door- -but he can't help it- -it was as if some force took hold over his body- -drawing him to it- -sets the box down on the ground next to the doorway- -and grabs the knob- -turns slowly- -and lets the weight of the door open itself- -looks into the baby room- -it seemed untouched- -as if nothing happened- -much less something so horribly unspeakable- -remains still for several minutes- -feeling like his feet were glued to the floor- -slowly works them loose- -and steps inside- -could see the crib at the wall opposite him- -holding his breath- -somehow managing to make himself believe that if he looks- -his son might be laying there- -taking a nap- -but as he approaches it- -can see the cold truth as plain a day- -it was empty- -and this was the place he died- -the bottom of his eyes begin to swim- -but he doesn't even notice- -the only thing that resided in the crib was a little stuffed lion- -one that James had been so enthusiastic about getting that Lily had rolled her eyes- -after he had explained that no son of his would be ending up in Hufflepuff- -lifts it out and turns it so the little black eyes meet his- -and something inside him just snaps- -and this horrible, broken wail lurches out of his throat- -stumbles back- -hitting the wall next to the doorway- -sinks down- -and starts to sob - -gasping for breaths that seemed impossible to catch-

Remus: -awakens at the sounds of someone entering the house- -assumes it's James- -otherwise he'd probably be dead already- -sits up slowly- -still in pain- -but the salve has numbed a good portion of it- -hears the other coming upstairs- -listening- -until he hears doors opening- -which is when he starts to worry- -given what he'd seen of James- -knew he hadn't come to grips with anything yet- -neither of them had- -but knew James had more to lose- -and as he feared- -hears the sound of James completely falling apart- -wonders at first if he should let him be- -have this moment alone to grieve- -but- -his heart was aching for his best friend- -if he wanted to be alone he could tell him that- -pushes himself out of bed- -has to lean a bit on the wall at first until he can maintain his balance- -keeps a hand on the wall as he walks forward- -to find James crumpled on the floor in Harry's room- ... Oh, Jamie. -bites through the pain- -managing to kneel in front of him- -and embrace him-

James: -his face felt hot- -and was already marked with heavy tears that were flowing from his eyes in streams- -would never allow someone to see him cry- -too stubborn- -but now it was the last thing on his mind- -the fragile patch he'd wound around his heart had torn open- -and it felt as if were being ripped out of place- -so when Remus appears out of what seemed like nowhere- -doesn't question it- -nor does he react to the embrace- -sobbing and whimpering with sorrow that had been pent up for weeks now- I buried him, Remus. -his voice quivering so badly- -it's barely intelligible- I buried my _son_. -another painful sound- He was only _one._ I'll never get to see him grow up. -his vice on the stuffed lion threatened to tear it apart-

Remus: -there were no words that could make it easier- -or make the pain go away- -there was absolutely nothing he could say- -would've given anything to have died in their place- -still feeling responsible for all of it- -just holds him- -and lets him cry- -the other needed this- I know, James. -feels his own tears threatening to spill- -but swallows them back- -still didn't feel he had a right to cry- -let alone in front of James-

James: -can't stop crying- -or even manage it quietly- -making these terrible sounds that accent each breath out- I should have been there. -the guilt that he wasn't- -it felt like it was squeezing his throat- I could have protected them. -but he left- -even when Lily pleaded with him to stay- -so upset by the news of Sirius' death- -that he'd left with the intent to hunt someone down- -but it'd been the wrong person- -the person currently in front of him, actually-

Remus: -just continues to let him get all of his grievances out- -knew it was better than keeping them in- -which was what he did- -didn't want that for James- -understood his guilt- -had so much of it himself- You couldn't have known, Prongs. -knows that didn't matter to him- -but it was still true- It's not your fault.

James: -finally falls into the embrace- -wishing desperately he could believe those words- -but he couldn't- I should have died. -would gladly have given up his life- -if it meant Lily would get away with Harry- I want to. -admitting it aloud for the first time- -thought about it constantly- -finding the Death Eaters- -and taking as many down with him as he can- I want them back, Remus. -the statement is so broken and final- -wraps his arms around the other- -and clings to him-

Remus: -helps the other remove his glasses- -to make it easier to cry- -slides that arm back around him- -squeezes his eyes shut to keep himself from crying- -didn't know why James wasn't blaming him too- I'd do anything to bring them back to you, Jamie. -soft tone- Anything. You don't deserve this. None of them deserved this. -thought he did- -deserved every bit of it- -and worse-

James: -presses closer yet- -probably shouldn't be squeezing him so hard- -but the fact that the other is injured is lost on him- -tucks his face in the other's neck- -taking every form of comfort he could get- -letting himself be weaker now than he ever had before- -but if there was ever an excuse to- -he had it- I'm sorry, Remmy. -his voice getting a little more choked- I should have believed you. -should have known better- -Remus would never betray them- -but had been blinded -and that mistake had snowballed into this- -and now he was aching for his forgiveness- -so the guilt would stop choking him so harshly- -practically crawls into the other's lap- I'm so sorry.

Remus: -didn't care about his injuries- -this was so much more important- -the pain didn't even compare to the pain he felt in his heart- -the other had been through so much- -just wanted to make things right- -wanted to take all his pain away- -bring back the others- -take their place- -would've done anything in that moment- -just to make it right again- -shakes his head in disbelief when the other starts apologizing- -holds him tighter- No. -shakes his head again- It's my fault. I should have told you, James. I should have told all of you the truth about what I was doing. I was supposed to keep it quiet, and I thought it would keep you safe. H-He.. He would have followed me if he knew. You might've too. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jamie. -can't help but shed two tears- -clutches him tighter-

James: -blinks in surprise at the apology- -never really blamed the other- -not since he found out the truth- -all his mistrust and anger had shifted to Peter- -and Remus had gone entirely innocent in his eyes- -it's enough to stop his tears for now- -sniffling- -pulls back a little- -just enough that he can look into the other's eyes- ...what were you doing?

Remus: -could see that he'd stopped crying- -at least enough to calm himself down a little- -wished it hadn't been because of what he said- -didn't want to talk about it- -because it hurt him to remember- -reminded him of how horrible it got between him and Sirius near the end- -and how distant he became from those he cared about the most- -one being James- Dumbledore had me track down a pack of werewolves led by Fenrir Greyback. We got a tip that the Death Eaters were recruiting them for their numbers. He knew Greyback would take me in because I'm one of his.. children. He wanted me to find out who had been recruited, and what their plans were. I.. I wasn't.. very good at it. I had to make them think I'd embraced what I am. You know how I feel about it. -looks down- -even more ashamed of all this than he was of being a werewolf- I should've told all of you the truth, I just.. I thought I was doing the right thing by not telling you. And when I figured out you all suspected me, I thought that would keep you even further away. I.. I had no idea it would lead to what happened.

James: -expression is unreadable- -until the end- -frowns- ...that didn't lead to what happened. -didn't understand how the other was blaming himself- -he'd put their relationships on the rocks- Peter still would have betrayed us either way. -never considered the possibility that Peter was the leak- -and probably wouldn't have even if he'd trusted Remus the entire time- -was never one to question his friend's loyalty- -it took a lot for Remus to strain that trust- -and it had required a lot of insistence on Sirius' part-

Remus: -shakes his head again- -would always feel responsible- -it was because of their suspicion that they switched Secret Keepers, from what he'd gathered- -had he been honest- -it might not have gone down that way- -nevertheless- -this was about James' feelings, not his- -buries his guilt- -and his sorrow- Whether it would have changed things or not, I'm still sorry for keeping it from you. I shouldn't have.

James: -small nod- -focusing down on the small space between them- -there wasn't much- -was practically on top of the other- -feeling heavy- -and a little empty- -which was strange- -because all the emotions were still turbulent within him- -didn't know where they were residing if not in the hollowness-

Remus: -found himself lightly and very slowly brushing his fingertips against the other's back where his hands had come to rest- -just trying to soothe him- -though he hadn't been thinking on it much before- -it felt nice to be so close to someone- -had really been lacking in human contact for a long time-

James: -feels the touch- -focusing on the feel- -and some of the tension relaxes- -drops his forehead to rest against the other's shoulder- -and goes a bit limp against him- -grips his arm-

Remus: -leans into him as well- -just wanting him to be assured that he need not ask for forgiveness- -but that he had it if he wanted it- -wanted so much to help him- -and just free him of all his pain- -presses his cheek to the side of the other's head- -shuts his eyes-

James: -quiet for a while- -the warmth of a body against his- -keeps him from losing control again- -even though the sharp ache was still there- It hurts. -murmurs quietly- -rocking his forehead against his shoulder-

Remus: -continues to stroke his back with one hand- -keeps close to him- -really needed this- -didn't realize just how badly- It hurts me too. -soft- I'm sorry, Jamie. I wish I could take all your pain away.

James: -never had been like this before with him- -didn't think he'd ever been quite this intimate with Sirius even- -but that didn't matter- -needed it as well- -starts to rub his arm- -returning the light affection-

Remus: -knew he'd never been so close to anyone other than Sirius- -it just felt nice to be touched- -hadn't been expecting any sort of affection to be given back to him- -didn't recoil from it - -as he normally did from anyone but Sirius- -actually relaxes a little-

James: -wanted to stay like this- -works to get himself more comfortable- -his hand eventually works itself around the other's back- -resting it there lightly- -shifts himself a little- -his legs aching slightly- -and is a bit surprised by the slight heat he feels when his groin brushes against the other- -stills-

Remus: -would've had to have been completely oblivious to miss the contact their bodies made- -and the subsequent heat that stirred between them so very briefly- -also felt the other pausing- -which meant he likely noticed it too- -and likely didn't want to think about it- -doesn't say anything about it- -just continues stroking his back- -and lightly nuzzles his temple-

James: -his mind is abruptly blank- -quiet and still for several moments- -soft breaths falling from between his lips- -doesn't think- -just presses his hips closer- -a subtle movement- -but he felt it- -and there was no way the other hadn't as well-

Remus: -of course he felt it- -and noticed that it was the other who actually initiated it- -confused by that- -tilts his head- -curious- -but maybe it was just an accident again- -surely that was it- -stays still- -still says nothing- -just takes another shaky breath-

James: -isn't given anything- -but that also meant there was no protest from the other- -blocks all intruding thoughts- -only acknowledging the sudden ache he felt- -so different from the one in his chest- -and it's the only way he's able to roll his hips against the other's- -holding in a sound at the friction he feels- -flushes even redder- -and stills again-

Remus: -really just.. not sure what to make of it- -knew exactly what was going on- -but didn't know what to think- -do- -or say- -maybe he ought to figure it out- -because James was starting to move his hips in a very sensual manner- -flushes as well- -taking a sharp breath- -exhaling in an even shakier sigh- -instinctively pressing his hips up against the other's- -can't help himself-

James: -feels the way the other presses up- -and it's all he requires- -this heavy need feels him- -and he's grinding against the warm body below him- -his eyes are firmly shut- -because wouldn't be able to continue- -not if he saw who it was-

Remus: -this was wrong- -where they were doing this was even more wrong- -just wanted to feel something that wasn't pain- -even if it muddied things- -just for a minute- -wanted to feel something else- -but was too analytical- -what this would do to James after the fact wasn't worth the few minutes of mind-numbing pleasure- -not in this room- -doesn't stop the other- -but does shift backwards- -toward the door way- -keeping the motion of his hips going-

James: -feels him shift back- -doesn't understand at first- -thinking it's just adjusting- -so he settles back over him- -having moved slightly from the wall- -and is continuing his grinds quickly and firmly- -it was starting to feel even better as his cock began to harden-

Remus: -his own cock was twitching to life- -which hadn't happened in a very long time- -keeps a hold on him- -hoping that if he kept the motion of his hips going and the other was focusing on that- -he wouldn't notice so much that he was trying to get them out of the room- -clutches him a little tighter- -and shifts them both back further with a roll of his hips-

James: -notices the movement again- -but it's so smooth- -and accented in pleasure- -that it's a passing thought- -feels his breaths growing a bit faster- -and the previous flush of tears was entirely of arousal now-

Remus: -continues the motions until they're in the hall- -then stops- -propping himself against the wall- -shoves his hips up against the other's- -and grips onto his hips-

James: -his eyes are still shut- -doesn't even realize they've left the room- -just notices the abrupt change in the other's motions- -and it pulls a moan from him- -could feel a hardness pressing against him- -and it felt so wrong- -that he tries to avoid it- -shifting himself slightly- -but every time it meets his own- -the firmness adds so much pleasure- -that within a minute- -he's trying to grind against it- -and create as much pressure as he can-

Remus: -it didn't feel wrong to him- -it was wrong- -because of the circumstances- -and it should've probably felt that way too- -but it just felt.. different- -because this was James- -it was selfish to let it continue- -because he just wanted to feel- -but maybe that was what the other wanted to- -couldn't reject him- -that would be too damaging- -didn't want to lose this closeness- -this pleasure- -needed it so much after so much misery- -hears the moan- -but doesn't echo it- -just breaths against the other's shoulder- -and continues the steady rocking of his hips-

James: -could feel this tight coiling deep in his groin- -and his motions grow a bit more desperate- -a contrast to how even and consistent the other was being- -his cock was straining so hard against his trousers- -but no intention to free it- -even as release loomed nearby-

Remus: -could feel how desperate the other was becoming- -and how hard he was- -his own was hard and painfully confined to his pajama bottoms- -the thin fabric was a cruel tease- -the friction between their aching arousals rubbing against him- -he bit down on his bottom lip to stifle any sound- -afraid if he did the other would become alarmed at what they were doing- -just continues to let him ride his lap- -and take in what pleasure he could-

James: -so focused on himself- -and what he needed- -completely unaware of the other's pleasure- -he was just the means- -has barely accepted that it is a 'he'- -much less who he was- -panting as each grind brings him steadily closer- -needed it- -needed it so much- -holds his breath- -and then releases it in another moan- -this one much more pleasured than the first- -spilling into his underwear-

Remus: -could sense the other was reaching his peak- -wasn't quite there yet- -having been moving much more steadily- -and focusing on other things like getting them out of that room- -but lets the other finish- -tries to meet his grinding with his hips- -to help him achieve as much pleasure as possible-

James: -bites his lip- -letting the sensation wash over him- -for a brief moment- -the pain is smothered in something else- -but it doesn't last- -can still feel the other's hardness against him- -not quite as restricted as his own had been- -opens his eyes and glances down between them- -and blinks when he actually sees it- -tenses slightly- -alarm building in his eyes- -and then lifts his gaze up- -and sees the other's face- -there is a beat of quiet- -and then he's clambering off of him- I-...I have to go.

Remus: -knew this part would be awkward- -had been anticipating that- -just nods- -and leans back against the wall- -letting him go- -saying anything would only make it worse- -wasn't sure it'd been worth it- -for that one brief moment of escapism- -had to think about that- -wasn't even sure James would want him there after this- -averts his eyes-

James: -did not have his glasses- -they were left in Harry's room- -next to the little stuffed lion- -but too preoccupied in getting away- -that he doesn't consider grabbing them- -just hurries downstairs- -and finds refuge in the kitchen- -feeling a bit sick to his stomach as he feels the stickiness in his pants-

Remus: -it's a struggle for him to get up- -having to lean heavily against the wall to get to his feet- -and continue to lean on it the whole way back- -trudging into the room- -and nearly collapsing on the bed- -so much emotional turmoil- -and then there was the issue of the bulge in his pants- -ignores it- -feeling guilty for it even being present- -it's painful- -but can't bring himself to do anything about it- -just lies there- -face down- -feeling more miserable than before-

James: -cleans himself up with his wand- -trying not to think about it- -unable to believe what he just did- -disgusted at himself- -had been mourning one moment- -and then getting off the next- ... -grips the edge of the counter hard- -knuckles turning white- -feeling as if he betrayed them- ... -becoming increasingly upset- -didn't want to collapse again- -so he busies himself with unpacking the bags he'd dropped off- -and putting things away- -before starting the meal he'd promised the other- -having to squint the entire time- -but couldn't bring himself to go upstairs and fetch his glasses- -doesn't even consider the fact that he's a wizard that can summon them- -also doesn't use magic as he prepares the food- -making himself do every step by hand- -to help with the distraction-

Remus: -felt horribly guilty- -was just trying to be there for him- -and it resulted in.. well.. this- -felt so damn selfish- -for not putting a stop to it despite knowing how wrong it was- -didn't even know if the other would still want him there after this- -already thinking he was going to go back to the shack as soon as he regained enough strength to apparate-

James: -ends up making it rather extravagant- -albeit poorly cooked- -the bacon was a bit too crispy and shattered upon being touched- -in contrast the sausages were only warm in the center- -and the eggs were a tad dry- -the only part that came out alright was the toast- -loads up a plate onto a table tray- -and pours some milk into a glass- -and carries it upstairs- -looking at it like another task- -had to feed his guest- -made it possible to face him- -takes the tray into the room- ...here. -his only attempt to wake the other might he be sleeping- -stands at the edge of the bed- -and holds out the tray in offer-

Remus: -heard him coming- -but didn't know if he'd come into the room or not- -when he does- -turns over slowly- -wincing- -still quite sore- -looks at the tray- -takes it- -though it's hard to hold it with his arm- -lowers it to his lap- Thank you. -didn't matter if it was poor quality- -it was more food than he'd been able to eat in weeks-

James: -nods- -hesitates- -and then turns out of the room- -leaving the other alone- -goes back to Harry's room- -but doesn't let himself think about what room it was- -just grabs his glasses- -but pauses when he looks at the lion- ... -winds up grabbing it as well- -and then heading back downstairs so he could eat as well-


	6. Chapter 6

James: -had decided sleep on the couch for now- -had a whole other reason to avoid going upstairs now- -so after fetching himself a blanket- -had fallen asleep holding the lion in his arms- -allowed himself to shed more tears- -quieter and more controlled- -had almost forced himself to mourn- -thinking that somehow he needed to make up for what he'd done- -but it wasn't hard- -once he opened himself up to the pain- -there was so much of it- -so sharp- -that he fell asleep before he ever completely finished- -and woke up with salt trails on his cheeks- -set the lion of the coffee table- -it was a comfort- -as much as a painful reminder- -decided he'd like to keep it around at night- -starts his day by cleaning the house- -beginning in the kitchen- -hated cleaning- -but what would have been rare sights were becoming common- -because the more he did- -the less he thought-

Remus: -had eventually fallen asleep- -but it took quite a while- -it wasn't easy to shut his mind down to allow himself to succumb to slumber now that he wasn't completely exhausted- -had to change all his bandages before bed too- -which makes him think of Sirius- -and then of James- -in a way he'd never thought of James before- -which made him think of Sirius even _more_- -it was enough to make his head pound- -and his stomach wrench- -was plagued with nightmares- -and ended up waking up feeling even more stressed than ever by the next day- -can hear James moving around downstairs- -looks over at his breakfast tray- -had eaten all of it- -because no matter how bad it was- -he was starving- -and had been starving for a long time- -decides he ought to clean the dish and tray- -sits up- -feeling some better- -physically- -enough that he can pick up the tray and walk downstairs with it slowly- -takes it to the kitchen- -seeing the other cleaning- …Hey. -carries the tray to the sink- -and starts to wash the dish by hand-

James: -wiping down the counters when the other arrives- -glances up- -and then away- Hi. -replies to the counter- -listening to the sound of running water- Feeling better, I see. -comments- -again, to the counter-

Remus: -ears feeling warm- -no doubt they were a bit pink- Enough that I can wash a dish, anyway. -knew the other wasn't looking at him- -couldn't feel his eyes burning into him- -it was so awkward- -which really shouldn't have come as a surprise- -but it still wasn't pleasant-

James: If you want to take a shower or whatever, you can use whatever is in the bathroom. -knew he didn't have much hygienic stuff- -had poked through his things while bringing them over, after all-

Remus: -pauses- -it'd been a while since he'd been able to take a nice, hot shower- -mostly had to sponge off wherever he could- -or use a scourgify spell- -since the Shack had no running water- -wasn't sure how well it'd work out with his injuries- -but nods- Thank you. I appreciate that.

James: -nods- -glances up at him- -but his eyes are quickly adverted again- -needed to clean himself up as well- -but had been pretty lax on that lately- Your stuff is in the living room. -not sure if he'd noticed- So you can have something clean to wear when you're done. -never bothered to tell him that he wasn't letting him go back to the shack- -but figures it would be implied enough now-

Remus: -it wasn't implied- -or he just hadn't caught up with the implication until now- -eyes widen- -looks over at him- -clearly surprised- My stuff is here..? -stopped cleaning the plate- -the plate that had been cleaned several minutes ago that he was still scrubbing-

James: -ignores the surprise- -had expected it- That's what I said. -confirms- -stepping closer to him- -and dropping the rag off by the sink- I'll help you take it all upstairs later, if you want.

Remus: -watches him- -wasn't sure how he felt about that- -hated feeling like a charity case- -but didn't feel like he could say anything- -didn't want to seem ungrateful- -just didn't think he'd still want him there after what happened the night before- -nods a little- All right. -could just float it all upstairs- -but didn't want to tell him no- Thank you. -felt like he was thanking him constantly- -but couldn't help it-

James: Don't worry about it. -heads out of the kitchen- -because a combination of standing close to the other- -and having nothing further to say- -was making for some awkwardness- -thinking he might head to the cemetery again- -would probably feel more comfortable there- -than anywhere else-

Remus: -watches him go- -turns back to face the sink- -and continues to scrub the already clean plate- -hated the awkwardness- -almost preferred the raw emotion of before- -at least they'd been communicating then- -expressing some sort of emotion- -this stiff, forced conversation had been painful- -couldn't see himself living there if that was how it would always be-

James: -shifts a couple of things around in the living room- -then decides he's going to go- -goes to the closet- -slides on a jacket- -it seemed chilly out this morning- -and heads out the front door- -shutting it lightly behind him- -and starting the trek to where his loved ones were buried-

Remus: -hears the door- -had been tempted to follow him- -just because he wanted to make sure he was all right- -but if James wanted to get out of the house- -that meant he probably didn't want to be around him- -saddens at the thought- -but understands- -shuts off the faucet- -dries the plate- -and goes to the living room- -looking at his few possessions- -there were likely still more of his things at the shack- -the more valuable things he'd hidden under floor boards- -but it was probably for the best that they stay hidden- -until he was ready to pull them out- -takes a few items upstairs- -deciding he probably ought to take James up on that shower while he was still letting him stay- -still had a sinking feeling he wasn't going to want him there much longer-

James: -spent a long time there- -somehow sitting at their graves was harder this time- -probably because of all the emotions he'd unleashed the previous night- -found he couldn't linger at Harry's long- -so he wound up sitting with Lily the longest this time- -talking to her- -trying to find some comfort in her presence- -but it's difficult because of the guilt he felt- -didn't deserve any comfort they could offer- ... -eventually forces himself up- -but instead of leaving right away- -walks over to his parent's graves- -but doesn't linger for long- -just glancing over the names- -frowns- -and turns to leave- -walking back to the house- -wondering if this routine would ever end-

Remus: -took a bit longer to take a shower than he thought it would- -it was difficult to change out of his clothing- -still so very sore- -but fortunately most of his wounds were closing thanks to James healing them- -the water hurt- -but he knew it would cleanse the wounds and help the tension in his muscles- -it felt good to be under hot streaming water for the first time in a very long time- -scrubs himself as best he can- -when he's finished, steps out and dries off as best he can- -dresses his wounds again- -then himself- -putting on some of his clothes- -a loose sweater and trousers that were too big for his too thin frame- -decides to try to come up with something for dinner- -having told James he would prepare it- -examines his options- there wasn't much- -most of it was canned or items that preserved well- -decides on a generic sort of meal- -pasta noodles with canned sauce- -turned out decent- -for what it was- -would've liked to have made something a bit more hearty- -but pasta would be filling- -finds some spices to liven up the sauce- -stirring it in-

James: -enters the house- -locking the door behind him- -and is surprised at the scent of food in the air- -his stomach gives an appreciative growl- -works his jacket off and hangs it up- -one of the many habits Lily had ground into him- -makes his way towards the kitchen- -and sees the other cooking- Should I set the table? -questions- -the comment closer to a joke than anything he's said lately-

Remus: -a little surprised- -hadn't been sure what to expect by the time James got back- -if he'd even come back that night- -wouldn't have blamed him if it was too much for him to be there- -nevertheless- -had cooked under the impression he would be home- -was quite hungry himself- -turns to look at him- If you don't mind. -smiles-

James: -grabs a couple of plates- -and some silverware- -and walks out to the dining room- -and finds himself frozen- -staring at the table- -struck by the fact that he has no idea where to put the plates- -it was such a simple problem- -but it felt like a mountain to overcome- -should he sit where he normally did?- -if so- -where to put Remus' plate?- -where Lily use to sit?- -was that wrong?- -and should he put it in the empty spot next to him instead?- -that was awkward- -should he move as well?- -was that cowardly?- -just stares at the table blankly-

Remus: -mixes everything together in a large bowl- -so they can just take what they want- -walks with the bowl into the dining room- -notices the look on his face- -could only assume he was thinking about where he and Lily had sat at the table before- -didn't know what to suggest about the chairs- -so just.. suggests something else entirely- Want to eat on the couch?

James: -blinks and comes to- -glances over at him- -there is a beat of silence- -before he realizes what he said- ...yeah. -agrees- -coming further out of the daze that took over him- Let's do that. -walks to the living room- -dropping both of the plates on the coffee table-

Remus: -smiles and nods- -carries the food into the living room- -sets it down on the coffee table- What would you like to drink? -quiet, calm tone- -the other had been a little lighter than he expected when he got home- -which was good- -didn't want to see that fade after his misstep in the dining room-

James: -somehow surprised by the offer- Water. -replies without much thought- -plucks up a fork- -and plays with it for a moment-

Remus: -nods- All right. One moment. -walks back into the kitchen- -gets them both glasses of water- -contemplated looking to see if James had anything stronger- -just to help lighten the mood a bit more- -but figures if he wanted it he would've said so- -carries the water back out- -setting a glass by each plate- -sits next to him-

James: -feels a bit awkward again- -so he just starts load up his plate- Smells good, Moony. -sits back a bit once he's satisfied with how much he'd grabbed- -drops his fork into the pasta- -and spins the noodles around it- -takes a bite-

Remus: -takes some onto his plate- -knew it wouldn't be the best pasta- -but it would serve its purpose in filling them up- -hoping the other would like it- -wanted so much to please him- -to do something to bring the smile back to his face- -twirls a bit onto his fork- -glances over at him to see if he likes it-

James: -it was decent- -wasn't going to complain- -better then he could ever do- -feels eyes on him- -glances over- -and nods a bit- It's good. -repeats- -figuring that's what he wants to know- -but his eyes linger unlike before-

Remus: -smiles and nods a little- Good. -twirls his noodles a bit more- -takes a bite- -starts to chew- -wasn't bad or anything- -it'd do- -feels eyes on him- -swallows slowly- -then lifts his gaze back to meet the other's again- -feeling his cheeks grow warm- -why did he always blush at everything?-

James: -notices the blush- -but knew better to look too far into it- -considering what had happened- -it was probably just another manifestation of the awkwardness between them now- -looks down at his plate- -plays with his noodles for a couple of seconds- ...about what happened. -begins reluctantly- -didn't really want to talk about it- -but maybe they should- -just get it out of the way-

Remus: -tenses a little- -really didn't want to talk about it either- -worried that speaking of it would just make it worse- -would've been fine just to leave it alone- -dismiss it as a brief moment in time and never look back at it- -though- -maybe- … -no- Jamie, you don't have to.. -bites his bottom lip- I mean.. -what did he mean?- -blushes deeper-

James: -glances back up- -the nickname defuses him a little- -hadn't heard it in years- -but it was falling from the other's lips so frequently now- -found comfort in it- -his eyes flicker over the other- -observing him in a new light- -can't bring himself to speak-

Remus: -notices him sort of lighten a little again- -wasn't sure why- -or what caused it- -but it made him feel a little better- -can feel him still looking at him- -finds himself biting his lower lip again- -had stopped eating- -the plate in his lap- -fingers curling up into his palms-

James: -feels this strange want- -to close the distance- -and be close again- -hadn't had physical contact with anyone but him lately- -and could remember how good it had felt- -how it had washed away the pain even briefly- -and is stunned to realize- ... -kind of wanted to do it again- -feels his breathing pick up a little- -quickly forces his focus back down to the plate- -telling himself he was just lonely- -that Remus was just closest-

Remus: -could hear his breathing pick up- -and feels his ears burn hotter- -could remember the way he was breathing the night before- -and it stirs something again- -feels his heart start to speed up- -tries to focus on eating- -but can't bring himself to even pick up his fork again- -chances looking up at him again- -to try to find some sort of answer to all this behind the other's eyes-

James: -could feel the eyes- -and in turn- -his own stare at his food becomes more intense- -but was so acutely aware of the other- -didn't understand it- -didn't like it- -unnaturally still-

Remus: -couldn't find what he needed from the other- -which made it even harder to sit there in silence- -takes a shaky breath- -and looks back down at his plate- -forces himself to start eating again-

James: -so caught up in his own muddled thoughts- -hasn't stop to think about was going through Remus' head- -his motivation- -what he wanted- -and still wasn't at that point yet- -hears the sound of a fork scraping a plate- -and lets out long breath himself- -no longer feeling hungry- -sets his plate on the coffee table- -and walks over to the stairs- -heading up and to the bathroom- -using one of Sirius' favorite hiding spots-

Remus: -curls in on himself a little when the other gets up and leaves- -feeling as though it's his fault- -which really.. just.. makes him think he ought to leave- -wasn't doing James any favors by being there- -at least, not enough to justify staying- -thought maybe they could help each other heal- -but it seemed to be doing more harm than good- -looks down- -and sets his plate on the table as well- -sits there a moment- -contemplating if he ought to clean everything up- -or just get his things and disapparate back to the Shack now while he was gone-

James: -shuts the door behind him- -and leans against it- -presses his hands to his forehead- What is wrong with me? -groans to himself- -sinks down to the floor- -lets his head drop back and hit the door- -wanted to grind on him again- -to feel that foreign sensation of something hard pressing against him- I'm not queer. -growls out firmly- -gripping his hair-

Remus: -decides if he's going to leave- -might as well clean up and leave James some leftovers if he wants them- -or he could throw them out if he didn't- -composes himself a little- -stands- -picking up both plates- -and the bowl- -floats the water glasses behind him- -taking them all into the kitchen- -focuses on cleaning the plates- -and sealing up the bowl- -so he doesn't have to think about leaving yet- -empties the glasses- -leans against the counter- -can't stop thinking about James- -no matter how hard he tries- -wants to run up there- -and comfort him- -but knowing he's probably part of the problem- -afraid he'd just make it worse- -squeezes his eyes shut-

James: -thinking that he should find some bird to fuck- -to get it out of his system- -but that idea disgusts him even more- -reaches down to his chest- -and feels for the little solid ring beneath his shirt- -his commitment to Lily- -couldn't just fuck someone else- -it was too soon- ... -apparently there was a difference between sex- -and just getting off- -keeps telling himself he's just lonely- -and it was such a cold truth- -one that he'd never fully acknowledged- -and one that he was forcing down his own throat now-

Remus: -swallows hard- -feet feel heavy- -can't quite bring himself to lean up off the counter yet- -didn't want to leave- -but the more he thought about James- -the more dangerously close he came to thinking about what they'd done the night before- -and maybe it wasn't anything- -but what if it was something?- -that wouldn't be right- -it couldn't be possible- -they were both lonely- -in need of contact- -in need of escaping- -that was all- -and it never had to be mentioned again- -couldn't help but wonder what James had been about to say about it- -but was almost afraid to find out- -surely it was just that it was a mistake- -nothing more- -and that it couldn't happen again- -didn't need to hear it from him to know that-

James: -thinking about the blushes on Remus' cheeks- -still telling himself they were nothing- -but finally beginning to wonder what he'd been thinking- -never thought the other to be that sexual- -knew he had to been in order to be with Sirius for any length of time- -and Sirius had occasionally gone out of his way to describe their shags- -just because he knew it would disturb James- -but _he_ wasn't Sirius- -and he had never seen any hint of sexuality from him before in his life- -now questioning Remus' actions- -why he'd let it happen- -why he'd responded to it- -and what he thought about it now- -it quells his own anxiety a bit- -to be questioning the other-

Remus: -figures it'd be easier to just get what few things he had upstairs- -and return down to his stuff- -then go- -had more downstairs than up in the room he'd slept in- -would've just left what was there if he had an extra cardigan- -but that was his only one- -wanted to get it- -wasn't sure if he ought to say anything to James- -wherever he was- -but just needed to get his things and go- -before he made it any worse- -would still be thinking about it- -but at least maybe James might get some reprieve- -trudges out of the kitchen- -up the stairs- -to the guest room- -starts to gather his clothes-

James: -tenses- -hearing footsteps up the stairs- -could tell where Remus had gone- -but unsure of what he was doing- -still for several seconds- -then slowly pushes himself up- -cracks the door- -and could hear the rustling of movement- -pulls it open and walks towards his room- -peeks inside- -and then realizes what he was doing- -doesn't hesitate to make himself known then- Going somewhere? -stands in the doorway-

Remus: -freezes when he hears the other- -clutches the cardigan- -didn't know what to say- -thought he could just sneak out quietly- -but James had heard- -and now he was trapped- -turns around- -seeing him there- -speechless at first- I.. I just.. thought.. -clutches the garment a little tighter- -lowers his eyes- I don't know what I thought.

James: -sighs- -looks away from him- -turning to lean his back against the doorway- -silent for a moment- -and then lets himself sink down- -sitting- -but also blocking his exit- So you were just going to go?

Remus: -loosens his hold on the sweater- -sets it down on the bed- -moving a little closer to him- -can't help himself- -drawn in- -by something- -doesn't want the other to get the wrong idea- -not that he knew what the right idea was- -but- … -lowers down- -to sit down across from him- Not because I wanted to. Just.. I wasn't sure you still wanted me here.

James: -the doorway was a tight fit- -and they were close- -looks down at his lap- -his fingers fiddling with each other- Didn't say I wanted you gone, did I? -glances up-

Remus: -looking down at his own lap as well- -until the other speaks- -meets his gaze- -finding himself unable to look away- Would you have told me if you did? -their knees slightly brush- -and he bites his bottom lip-

James: -didn't know what to say to that- -so he just sticks to truth- I don't want you gone.

Remus: -continues to look at him- -silent for a few seconds- -had to believe him- -looking into those eyes- -couldn't find any dishonesty there- -soft- Thank you, Jamie. -can feel the warmth from the other's body- I don't want to be gone, either.

James: -his eyes scan the other again- -and there's the urge to move even closer- -to crawl on top of him- -and find companionship- -still didn't understand why he was craving that kind- -and with his best mate- -feeling confused- -still didn't like it-

Remus: -watches his eyes look him over- -could see the confusion in his eyes- -which hurts him a little more- -feels their knees brush again- -wanted to flee- -but also wanted to be closer- -it was contradicting and confusing- -and he didn't know how to handle it-

James: -feels the brush- -his eyes drop to the contact point- -hesitates- -and like the day before- -he's the one to press closer- -letting his leg slide forward just enough- -that their knees are now touching-

Remus: -feels the pressure of his knee against his own- -feeling the constant warmth there- -can't bring himself to look into his eyes though- -cheeks flush pink- -ears burn- -felt himself desiring that feeling where he didn't have to think about what was going on in the real world- -like the moment he'd had with James before-

James: -glances up for a reaction- -and observes yet another blush- -wishes he could know the cause- -looks at him silently for several moments- Remmy. -trying to get his attention- -so he'd meet his gaze-

Remus: -slowly lifts his gaze- -finding trouble doing it- -but manages to lift it enough to meet the other's- -hates himself for how shy and easily embarrassed his was- Hm? -looks at him with wide, curious eyes-

James: -stares into his eyes for several moments- -and before letting himself act impulsively- -jerks his head slightly- -summoning the other closer- -his hands curl into fists- -but he doesn't take back the gesture-

Remus: -feels his heart pounding- -unable to stop himself- -can't even think- -just complies- -shifting closer- -which brings him nearly into the other's lap-

James: -can't help the way he presses back against the doorframe- -somewhat fleeing from the sudden proximity- -even if he wanted it- -remains still for several seconds- -adjusting to it- -and then he slowly reaches out- -and sets a hand on the other's side-

Remus: -continues to look at him- -can't stop his heart from racing- -didn't even realize he was holding his breath until he has to exhale- -shakily- -doing so when the other touches his side- -it feels as though that part of him is on fire- -lets one of his hands come to rest on the other's hip-

James: -the touch is so warm- -it penetrates through his shirt- -and he is suddenly privy to how nice the other smelled- -having bathed earlier that day- -his touch turns into a grip- -and he's urging the other to close what space there was between them-

Remus: -feels the other's hold on him tighten- -without hesitating- -shifts into his lap completely- -flush against him- -finding the fit between them rather perfect- -brings his cheek to rest against the other's- -his hand clutching his hip- -the other resting on his shoulder for balance-

James: -shuts his eyes- -remaining still- -if not letting his cheek press lightly against the other's- -his free arm slides around the other- -keeping him steady- -and holding him close- -just basks in the contact- -hadn't felt this good since yesterday- -when they were in a similar position-

Remus: -lets out a slow breath- -that almost sounds relieved- -had been so tense- -but now that they were actually close again- -wrapped up in each other- -felt better- -the warmth- -the closeness- -all gave him a sense of assuredness- -needed it desperately- -lets his hand slowly slide from his hip up his side- -then back down-

James: -heard the relief- -and finally starts to understand why the other had allowed it- -maybe he needed this too- -turns his face slightly- -bringing his lips to the other's skin- -but he doesn't kiss- -he just lets them brush- -ghosting over his cheek- -and even near his lips- -but they never actually push together-

Remus: -feels his lips against his skin- -eyelids flutter closed- -slowly turns his head- -to do something similar in brushing his lips across the other's temple- -shifts closer- -until he's flush against him- -chest to chest- -eliminating all space between them-

James: -tucks his face against the other's neck- -could feel the other's heart with their bodies pressed so close- -surprised to find it mimicked his own- -tightens the arm around the other- -and the one at his side slides down- -and starts to rub his thigh-

Remus: -breathes out slowly again- -feeling the other's hand rubbing against his thigh- -it sends shivers through him- -spine arches a little, pushing them against each other a little more firmly- -fingers curl around his shirt over his shoulder- -squeezes his hip with the other-

James: -the reaction is so positive- -it's easy to fall into it- -but there was still that lingering confusion- Remus. -murmurs his name- -letting the emotion seep into it- -didn't know what this was- -but he doesn't let go-

Remus: -breathes in the other's scent- -hearing him utter his name- -it's not _his _scent- -it's not _his_ voice- -it hurts his heart to know he'll never have either again- -but this is something else entirely- -something he wasn't willing to let go of yet- -eyes squeeze shut tighter- -nuzzles against his hair- Please.. -whispers- -not even sure what he's asking for- -just.. needed this- -desperately-

James: -doesn't say another word- -taking this for what it was worth- -this side of the other that he'd never seen- -the hand on his thigh continues to rub- -but remains notably distant from his groin- -enough that it's not overtly sexual-

Remus: -shifts his hips against the other's- -the other's hand is a warm presence- -doesn't focus on anything except how good it feels to be so close to him- -the hand on his shoulder slides around to the back of his neck- -his other hand starts massaging his hip and side-

James: -feels the shift- -and he holds his breath- -before realizing that breathing was probably a good idea- -his own his tilt up slightly- -responding to the massage- -lifts his face from the other's neck- -brushes his lips so close to the other's- -barely keeping himself from kissing him-

Remus: -sucks in a sharp breath as their lips brush- -just barely ghosting his against the other's- -won't kiss him- -not until the other initiates it- -just mimicking his motions- -rocks his hips again- -stroking the back of his neck with his fingertips-

James: -a bit overwhelmed by how intimate this was- -his breathing was picking up again- -soft pants passing between his lips- -against the other's mouth- -his bottom lip brushing every inch of the other's mouth- -but still he doesn't kiss- -his hips respond with a rock- -up into the other's-

Remus: -panting a bit himself- -hadn't expected to feel so emotionally involved- -wasn't used to being in this position- -rocks his hips slowly- -but firmly- -keeping constant contact with his groin- -emits a soft sound against the other's lips-

James: -breaks the contact of their lips- -the sound stirring something in him- -and was certain he'd kiss him then- -and had enough of his mind to know he didn't want to do that- -drops his forehead against the other's shoulder- -letting himself just feel the rocks- -and respond in kind- -though as he begins to harden- -his rocks change subtly- -becoming thrusts- -as if to enter the body above him- -if cloth were not obstructing him-

Remus: -a little surprised with himself- -his behavior was different than usual- -ordinarily became quite aggressive- -and pushed for control during any sort of sexual exchange- -their positioning perhaps was what shocked him the most- -feeling the other's hips- -knowing exactly what it was doing- -it wasn't his usual role when it came to this sort of thing- -stunned that the wolf hadn't tried to take over- -and push him down- -remind him who was in control- -instead- -finds himself shifting again- -so more of his arse is rubbing against the other's impending hardness- -his own arousal pressing between their bellies- -being stimulated that way-

James: -could feel the change- -and while he was a bit ignorant on how blokes fucked- -knew where his cock was- -and the idea causes him to thrust harder- -barely realizing what he was doing- -could feel the cock pressed between them- -and isn't sure how he feels about it- -except that he feels a strange heat- -at feeling how hard is was- -and know the other was aroused for him-

Remus: -shocked at how into it he is- -the more he rocked against him, the more he felt an aching need building inside of him- -the barrier of their clothing felt like a brick wall- -feeling the need to have him inside- -which was new and overwhelming- -but just keeps rocking against him- -turns his face to hide it in the other's dark, disheveled hair-

James: -it felt so good- -groans softly- -his movements not the desperation of yesterday- -but not far off either- -his hands have shifted- -gripping the other's hips- -tightly at that- -helping guide them against him-

Remus: -loves the feeling of the other's hands on his hips- -letting him guide him however he wants- -feeling quite wanton- -but can't bring himself to care- -panting- -and groaning into his hair- -clutches his shirt tighter- -getting so worked up-

James: -it's building to the point that he briefly wishes there was no clothing between them- -but it's not a lasting wish- -because while he could handle and even enjoy this- -that would be too much- -as it were- -just lets the slightly painful pleasure wash over him- -the friction and confinement of his trousers making it as uncomfortable as it was pleasant-

Remus: -wouldn't have been able to handle it either- -despite his body's yearning for it- -emotionally it would've crippled him- -just continues to move his hips- -faster- -a bit more erratic- -thinking he might actually make it to climax this time- -so tempted to reach his hand down into his trousers and stroke himself just to make sure- -but refrains- -the knot was already pulled taut in his belly- -just needed another push- -and he'd be there-

James: -could feel it building in him as well- -and his movements reflect this- -his grip has turned bruising- -pulling him down hard- -his head drops back- -and gives a low, lingering moan- -the pleasure was beginning to peak- -and his mind was clear of all thoughts- -but of getting to what he needed now-

Remus: -lips part- -but swallows back the groan that started up his throat- -grips his shirt tightly- -starts spilling his release into his underwear- -shaking a bit- -not stopping the motion of his hips- -wanting to make sure the other was able to get there too-

James: -aware of the change in the other- -knew what that meant- -but can't think about that- -because his own climax was so close- -his eyes screw- -and there's the several agonizing seconds where he was almost there- -and then he pours his seed into his underwear for the second time over the last couple of days-

Remus: -leans against the other- -face still hidden in his hair- -can't bring himself to separate from him- -too vulnerable to move just yet- -needing that closeness just a little longer- -until the trembling stops anyway- -doesn't speak- -knowing that could ruin everything- -just tries to regain control of his breath- -and his body-

James: -his grip loosens- -and he lets go of the other- -his arms dropping so his hands hit the ground- -but doesn't try to separate himself from the other- -the warmth of his body keeping him content-

Remus: -feels the absence of the other's hold on him- -which makes him want to shift even closer for warmth- -lets his hands slide down the other's body- -down to his sides as well- -but doesn't lean up from him yet- -lips brush his temple-

James: -opens his eyes- -and looks up at the other- ... -and that same feeling from earlier comes flooding back- -that worry and confusion- -frowns faintly- -and speaks quietly- I'm not queer. -repeating the words he'd spoke to himself- -almost looking for confirmation-

Remus: -really should've been expecting that- -just.. not.. at that moment- -knew the other wasn't queer- -hadn't even thought about that- -but supposed someone who had never been intimate with a male might have that thought- I know, Jamie. -whispers- -this wasn't about being queer or straight- -for him, anyway- -it was about needing someone-

James: -feels reassured at the other's words- -enough for him to lean forward- -and rest against his chest- -letting his face tuck up against his neck-

Remus: -closes his eyes again- -relaxing against him- -felt.. safe.. in a way- -still feeling that tiny bit of reprieve their intimacy seemed to provide- -would need to cleanse himself eventually- -else that would get uncomfortable and awkward- -but not ready to move just yet-

James: -so caught up in everything this was- -besides the slight anxiety about his sexuality- -which he barely allowed himself to acknowledge- -wasn't thinking about anything bad right now- -can't bring himself to reach for the other again- -so his hands remain useless on the floor- -but holds onto the contact that they still had-

Remus: -refusing to let his mind drift past this moment- -didn't want to take away from anything they were experiencing- -didn't want to let his sadness or guilt creep in- -not right now- -maybe it would hit him later- -but right now- -it was just him and James- -selfishly wouldn't let anything else pierce that- -just needed this brief moment in time to relax- -and just be-

James: -pulls in slow breaths- -taking in the other's scent- -one that was familiar- -but that he'd never experienced so thoroughly- -realizes he's awfully comfortable-

Remus: -feeling similarly- -becoming more and more familiar with the feel of his body- -the other's frame was strong- -but not overpowering- -didn't want to lose this comfort- -didn't think he deserved it- -but now that he'd experienced it, couldn't dismiss it- -or forget it-

James: -pulls back a little- -leaving his comfortable space at the other's neck- -to look at him- -his eyes flicking over the other's features- -and this intruding thought pushes it's way in- -and he wonders how many times Remus had sat like this with Sirius- -looks away- -his mouth setting in a small line-

Remus: -feels him drawing back- -losing a bit of the warmth he hadn't been ready to give up- -eyes open slowly- -looks at him- -can see his features shifting into a.. somewhat less favorable manner- -questioning eyes-

James: -could feel the eyes on him- -risks a glance back- -and then wishes he hadn't- -it wasn't that the thought upset him- -but it made him feel strange- -out of place- -and like he shouldn't be the one sitting with the other- -much like how he felt in the Shack- -doesn't speak his thoughts-

Remus: -can't bring himself to say anything- -because it was too risky- -too much cause for detriment- -instead of asking- -just leans forward- -to close the distance between them again- -and leans against his chest- -hiding his face in the other's neck-

James: -feels the other occupy the position he himself had just been in- -and it feels almost like an exchange- -stays still for several moments- -the thoughts of Sirius still floating in his mind- -how it took his _death_ for Remus to come to him- -it was just comfort- -but had never felt this closeness to the other- -through all the years of being best mates- -sharing intimate secrets about one another- -and helping each other through the rough times that came with growing up- -this was somehow different from all that- -elevated- -to the point that it felt wrong- -and yet he couldn't let go of it-

Remus: -knew that he was selfish for indulging in this- -it should've been Lily he was holding after spending a moment of joy playing with Harry- -not only that- -really didn't deserve any of this after all was said and done- -it was wrong- -but like the other he couldn't let it go- -actually does lift his hands to clutch onto him again- -holding tightly to him- -it had always been natural for him to turn to Sirius in his time of need or for comfort- -but oddly enough, it didn't feel abnormal to hold onto James- -had just never looked to him in that way until now-

James: -holds his breath for a moment- -and then lets it out- -and he finally lifts his hands up- -and grips the other in return- -using him as a pillar- -now that his thoughts were drifting towards the negative- -and touching him felt better-

Remus: -exhales the breath he didn't know he was holding when he feels the other hold onto him as well- -it didn't seem like there would ever be a light at the end of the tunnel- -but at least they could be in the dark together- -his only hope- -however fleeting it might be-

James: -not sure how long they stay like this- -it seems like a long time- -but for all he knew it could have been a few minutes- I should take a shower. -breaking the silence- -it'd been a while- -and there was an uncomfortable mess in his underwear-

Remus: -knew the other was right- -they needed to clean up- -and probably move away from this emotional area for a while- -before it got even more confusing- -if that was possible- -nods slowly against his neck- -slowly slides off of him- -shakily gets to his feet- -hesitates- -offers his hand-

James: -takes the hand- -not giving it much thought- -not allowing himself to- -standing- -shuffles a little- -can't help the slight awkward feeling- -it wasn't as bad as earlier- -but it was difficult to think about what they just did- -and not feel odd- -steps out of the doorway- -and heads back towards the bathroom- -separating from him without another word-

Remus: -watches him- -then turns away- -casts a scourgify spell under his trousers- -and moves to put his things back that he'd started to gather-

James: -ends up indulging in his shower- -scrubbing his body raw- -realized how dirty he felt once he actually stepped in- -thinking about what happened- -knew how good it felt- -wouldn't have done it again if it didn't- -but did that make it right?- -couldn't figure out what his biggest qualm was- -that Lily had just died only a few weeks ago- -or that Remus was a male- -would like to think it was the former- -but his thoughts seemed to revolve more around the ladder-

Remus: -wanders downstairs- -so he can start moving his things up to the room- -there wasn't much- -only a few sets of clothing and shoes- -and a few other items- -would consider going back to the Shack for the items he'd hidden- -but for now believes it best they stay hidden-

James: -finishes up- -and shaves the heavy stubble that had built on his face- -secures the towel around his waist- -and heads out of the bathroom- -to his bedroom- -pausing out the door- -still hasn't been inside- -turns his head and glances down at the box of journals that had been left on the ground next to Harry's door- -quickly looks back to the door in front of him- -not wanting to think about what happened in there- -opens it and steps inside- -and is again struck by how normal it looked- -just walks over to the closet to grab fresh clothes-

Remus: -changes his trousers- -and underwear- -even though they're clean- -just because- -then continues to put some things away- -just to stay focused- -on anything and everything but the things he doesn't want to think about-

James: -quickly dresses- -didn't want to be in there for long- -out of the room as soon as he can- -shutting the door behind him- -sees the box of journals again- -opens the door- -kicks them into the room- -and then shuts it again- -lets out of a breath- -and steps away- -heading back down stairs- -deciding he was hungry- -and knew there had to be pasta still- -barely had any-

Remus: -hears his footsteps after the other finishes his shower- -listening- -while not being obvious about it- -can hear him walking through the hall- -and back downstairs- -not sure if he ought to follow- -they hadn't really spoken much- -since things had taken that turn- -just knew that the other didn't want him to leave- -would abide that wish as long as he wanted him there- -just.. didn't know what to do to make things better- -other than those brief moments where they could escape together-

James: -finds that the pasta had been put away- -no matter- -grabs a clean fork- -and the container- -and starts to eat straight out of it- -leaning against the counter- -staring off into the middle distance of the room-

Remus: -can't hear the other moving around anymore- -which worries him a bit- -finishes with the last of his things- -then walks downstairs- -stands there a moment- -contemplating what to do- -go to him, or not?- -something in him propels him forward- -out of the room and down the stairs- -finds him in the kitchen, eating out of the container- -at least he was eating something- -that was a good thing- Hungry? -tries to smile a little- -not sure if it works or not.

James: -pauses- -the other bringing an abrupt realization to him- ... -was hungry- -and was eating- -something he'd barely been able to bring himself to do- Yeah. -his voice is a little dazed- -this had started only yesterday- -after the first time...- -looks over at him-

Remus: -nods- -trying to.. just.. have some semblance of normalcy- -though knowing it likely would never be normal again- -given all they'd lost- -and what had transpired between them recently- -runs a hand through his hair- -and moves to get another glass of water for himself-

James: -still watching him- -glances down at the pasta in his hand- -and then holds out the container towards the other- Want some?

Remus: -looks down at it- -had definitely missed more than a few meals- -nods a little- -his stomach growled at the thought- -takes the container- -reaches for the fork he'd been using before- -and starts to eat a little- Thank you.

James: -shuffles a little closer- -hungry enough that he scoops out his own forkful while the other is chewing- -just eating in the quiet of the kitchen-

Remus: -holds the container steady- -so the other can eat out of it too- -twirls a bit more on his fork- -eats it- -his stomach almost didn't know how to handle eating home cooked food- -had the same reaction while eating breakfast before- -glad to see the other eating too-

James: -it was a bit tastier when it'd been hot- -but had no complaint in him- -felt better- -was clean- -and finally filling his body with something- -though he was getting full rather quickly- -it isn't long before he's dropping his fork into the sink-

Remus: -didn't want to make himself sick eating too much- -even though he's still hungry- -knew his stomach would probably be a bit delicate- -takes a bite or two after the other finishes- -then closes the container- -and puts the rest away- -moves to the sink- -to wash their forks-

James: -back to observing him- -but realizes it's incredibly obvious- -so he forces himself to break the silence- Think I'm going to look for Peter tonight. -comments off-handedly-

Remus: -grips one of the forks tightly in his fist at the mention of Peter- -that familiar feeling of needing revenge seeping into his mind- -visibly stiffened- -had been looking for Peter constantly before he and James began speaking again- -staring intently at the sink- Want someone at your back?

James: -sees the tension- -and hears the offer- -doesn't really have to think about it- -wouldn't have mentioned it if he wasn't opening the door- If you leave him to me. -a hard edge to his voice- -wanted to be the one to kill him-

Remus: -had always intended to give James that chance if he found him- -though he didn't want the other to taint his hands with blood- -was already a monster so didn't mind as much- -not in this case- -but knew the other had more of a stake in this- -nods-

James: -looks away- -towards the doorway- -thinking in silence for several seconds- ...where have you looked? -explains all the places he'd stopped- -looking for clues- -even dropped in on Peter's mother- -who he'd gotten into a rather nasty fight with- -she refused to believe that Peter'd done anything wrong- -and thus wouldn't cooperate with him- -and threatened to remove him from her property by force-

Remus: -starts to dry the forks- -a bit calmer once the other agreed to let him come- -resolved in the idea that they'd be doing something to try to avenge their lost loved ones- -turns- -leaning his back on the counter- One of the benefits to being a social outcast is being accepted into all the 'wrong' places. -had been trying to get information out of people from Knockturn Alley- -without giving away his reasons why- -explains to him- -and how he'd even gone as far as to say he was still in cahoots with Peter- -had gotten a few leads- -but eventually hit dead ends-

James: -absorbs this in quiet- -glad they had that advantage- -even if it came at the other's expense- He can't have gone far. -would bet every galleon he had was still visited dear old mum- -unless he'd found a Death Eater to take him in- -had never been able to stray far from those taking care of him-

Remus: -nods in agreement- He's never been able to take care of himself. And he's not smart enough to cover his trail. Someone's doing it for him, but he'll make a mistake. -would bet he's still visiting his mother as well- -a thought occurred to him- -keeps it to himself for now- -didn't want to venture there if they didn't have to- When do we leave?

James: -they had all the time in the world- Depends. -finally looks back to him- Where are we starting? -that was probably the biggest question-

Remus: -a little surprised by the question- -the other had always been the one to make the plans- -usually just offered his intellectual opinion afterward to try to be the voice of reason- -then whether he and Sirius actually listened remained to be seen- … -thinks about it a little- We could break into Mummy's house. See if we can find any sign that he's been there.

James: ...then let's go now. -liked that idea- -felt like a way to get back at her as well- -hated that bitch- -for spawning the rat- -and denying the truth- -to protect his hide- -and subsequently belittling James' pain- -checks his pocket for his wand- -and then he's striding towards the front of the house- -not even considering the fact that she might be home right now-

Remus: -eyebrows raised- -not terribly surprised he'd rush off like that- -that was how it usually went- -now he had to interject with logic- -and make him think a bit- -before they'd execute the plan- James. -calls out after him- -and walks through the kitchen- We'll need your cloak, just in case. We don't know who else might be visiting her. And we can't just burst in. We need to see if she's there or not. I know you hate her, but she's not the one we're after. -no sense in Peter's mum getting caught in the crossfire-

James: -slows when he hears his name- -turns and looks at him- -frowns- -but nods- I'll get the cloak. -makes a quick trip upstairs- -but so determined now- -that there is no hesitation or second thought to his actions- -just fetches it and brings it back down- Can we go now? -a bit terse-

Remus: -feels for his wand in his pocket- -could've probably managed without it- -but didn't want to risk it- -waits near the door while the other fetches his cloak- -watches him as he returns- -knows he's focused- -which was why he was so tense- -didn't take it personally- -nods- Let's go.


	7. Chapter 7

James: -getting there is a blur- -so bent on the destination- -that nothing registers until he's standing in front of it- -looking at the modest home in the middle of a Muggle neighborhood- -glances over at Remus- Back door? -questions- -but doesn't wait for a response- -just starts to cross the yard- -working his way to the back of the house-

Remus: -stays close- -just maybe a half step behind- -getting more and more into the zone of hunting Peter down the closer they get to his mother's house- -didn't relish in killing someone- -but for Sirius, Lily, and Harry- -they had to do this- -it didn't appear anyone was home- -but it was hard to say- -Peter could've been hiding anywhere inside- -not that that was a bad thing- -and at least going through the back gave them a slighter better probability of sneaking in should someone be there- Check the windows. See if any are unlocked.

James: -knew that he shouldn't use his wand at all during this- -but would if he had to- -decides to take Remus' advice- -strides up to a window- -and tries to work it open- -but it doesn't budge- -walks up a porch to the back door- -and tries it- -but it is unsurprisingly locked- -moves to the next window instead- ... -smirks- -it was already cracked- -slips his fingers in the crack- -and carefully pushes it up all the way- -there was a screen between him and what appeared to be the kitchen- -but doesn't try to pop it out yet- -just peering inside- -and listening for noises-

Remus: -follows behind him- -mostly keeping a look out for anyone nearby- -listening for any unnatural sounds- -was concerned about wards being placed on the home- -but couldn't imagine Peter being a high tiered Death Eater to the point where anyone would be looking after him- -but they couldn't be too careful- -but since they'd been able to even walk onto the property- -figured they might be okay-

James: -eventually does work the screen loose- -sets it aside- -reaches a hand in through the window- -and finds that it meets with an invisible barrier- -as if another piece of glass were between him and the inside of the house- ...fairly basic. -comments under his breath- -pulls out his wand-

Remus: Wait. -places a hand on his wand arm- -pushing it back down- Don't use your wand. Give me a moment. -touches the barrier- -it was basic as the other said- This was probably put up by him or his mother. -it takes a bit more effort without his wand- -but at least this way they wouldn't be traced- -creates a hole in the barrier- -as if opening a window- Go. Climb in.

James: -keeps a hold on his wand- -watching the other- -couldn't help but be slightly impressed- -always was when he managed wandless magic- -couldn't even do simple spells without his wand- -the only exception being his Animagus form- -crawls in through the window- -straightening up and glancing around- -the house was definitely empty- -or someone was hiding- -slowly starts to make his way through- -up the stairs- -comes up to several doorways in a hall- -the first opens up to a bathroom- -but the second was clearly Peter's room-

Remus: -had to focus completely on opening the barrier- -so he couldn't hiss at James to wait for him- -climbs in- -and lets go of the barrier- -letting it close behind them seemingly untouched- -follows him- -quiet, fast steps- -until he catches up- -stopping just behind him-

James: -glances around- -knowing a rat could hide in here easily- -but he wasn't here- -relying on only instinct for that conclusion- -but knew he was right- -glances around- -looking for signs that he'd been here recently- -ends going to a trash bin- -and glancing in- -sees a crumpled newspaper- -pulls it out and checks the date- ...it's from a few days ago.

Remus: -nods- -looking on the other side of the room- -didn't think Wormtail was in the room either- -he wouldn't be able to stay quiet- -would be able to sniff him out, too- -looks around- -finding some food by the bed on the night stand- Looks like it's at least a day old. Can't be more than that. -glances over at James- He's coming here regularly, then.

James: -slight scowl- -just the idea of him being here angering him- -just existing- -reading- -eating- -living- Guess that's it then. -drops the paper back into the bin- -folds his arms- He'll be home soon enough. -would wait days if that is what it took-

Remus: -raises an eyebrow- He might not be home today, Prongs. -they could wait a little while- -but it would probably be better to stake out outside- -not lurk in his bedroom- I don't think we can wait for him in here. His mother might come home.

James: And? -didn't care- -wasn't leaving until Peter showed up- -slides his wand away- -but makes no move to exit the bedroom-

Remus: -could tell this was going to take quite a bit of convincing- -they didn't know his pattern of when he'd return- -if he was even following a pattern- -much less if he came back alone or with other Death Eaters in tow- -there was too much unknown- -and waiting in the dark, blind, was a stupid idea- We don't know what we're up against yet.

James: A sniveling rat. -sounded simple enough to him- -knew the other was technically right- -but the idea of revenge is so sweet- -can't bring himself to accept logic-

Remus: What are you going to do if his mother comes home first? -moves closer to him- -and clutches his arm- I want this too. I want him dead. I've been hunting him non-stop. But if you want to do this, and do it right, we can't make any mistakes. He deserves to die for what he did. But if we don't go about this the right way, we could end up locked up or worse while he stays free.

James: -grits his teeth- -looking away from the other- -fixing his gaze on a point near the ground- -still not moving- -but not ignoring the other's words-

Remus: -could tell he was starting to get through to him- -the other was being stubborn- -but hoped he could push him past that- We can set up a ward in here. One that will alert us when he comes back. -frowns- You know I'll wait here with you if that's what you want to do. I just don't want all this to be for nothing. -squeezes his arm- Please, Jamie. -lets go- -steps back-

James: -still and tense- -quiet to the point that it seems like he might not speak- Do your ward. -looks at him- I'm not going home until that piece of shit is dead. -walks out of the door- -and starts down the stairs- -making his way back to the kitchen-

Remus: -a bit relieved when he consents- -just didn't want the other to end up dead or in prison- -steadies himself- -casting an alarming ward that would alert them whenever Peter entered the bedroom- -hurries out- -following after James to the kitchen-

James: -almost to the window- -when he pauses- -hearing a faint scratching sound coming from another room- -feels his breath stop- -recognized it as the scurrying of little paws- -this heavy tension tightens every muscle in his body- -quickly toes his way over towards the doorway of the kitchen- -leaning against the wall- -so he was just out of sight- -listens as the sound stops- -and heavy footsteps begin- -walking right past the doorway- -towards the stairs-

Remus: -right behind him- -freezes as well- -heightened hearing and sense of smell alerted him to the fact that Peter was indeed home- -James knew it too- -could feel his own anger rising- -though he felt surprisingly calm- -and resolved to doing this- -glances at James- -would default to his lead for the time being-

James: -slides out of the doorway- -into the hall- -and sees Peter starting up the stairs- -his back to him- -there is a single beat- -before he sees white- -no thought- -no plan- -just launches himself after him- -closing the distance within seconds- -grabs him just as he was turning- -and proceeds to throw him down the stairs-

Peter: -heard sudden footsteps starting behind him- -far too fast and heavy- -managed to see who it was just before he's grabbed- -goes pale with fear- -before finding himself tumbling down the few steps he'd made it up- -to the ground floor below- -quickly tries to scramble up- -hand shooting to where his wand resided-

Remus: … -was anticipating that- -it came as no shock that James reacted the way he did- -knew James wouldn't have any trouble overpowering Peter physically- -winces a bit as the mouse of a boy goes tumbling down the stairs into a heap- -takes that opportunity to move into action- -sees him reaching for his wand- -and promptly stomps hard on his hand- -can feel the predator inside of him starting to surface- -eyes darken- -cold, calculating stare- -this was the rat who was responsible for the deaths of those he once called his friends- -and an innocent baby- -he was responsible for the pain James was left to feel forever- -the pain in his own shattered heart- -this rat- -he once called his friend too- -after stomping his hand- -gives his ribs a sharp kick- -searching for satisfaction- -finding none- -does it again-

Peter: -cries out- -bones in his hand snapping from the hard impact- -immediately draws it into his body- -trying to protect it- -is shocked to see that not only was Remus present- -but was the one attacking him- Stop! -curls into his side-

James: -glaring down at the sight- -the betrayal pounding in his ears- -steps heavily down each stair- -watching Remus kick him- -when he levels out with them- -pushes his friend out of the way- -claiming the rat on the floor- -drops down to straddle him- -and lifts his squirming body up- -and drops him back down to his back- -starts to punch his face- -over and over- -ignoring the cries and pleading- -something crazed in his eyes-

Remus: -wanted to be doing what James was doing- -wanted to unleash the wolf inside himself- -and tear Peter apart- -wanted to demand answers from him- -to know why he did what he did- -could've shoved James off him easily- -had the inhuman strength- -but promised him he'd let him be the one to do it- -still- -needed to know why- James. -firm voice- Ask him why. Ask him why he did what he did.

James: -it's difficult to stop- -didn't care _why_- -all that mattered is that he did- -keeps him pinned firmly- -looking down at the face of someone he put all his trust into- -whose hands he put his life and the life of family- You heard him.

Peter: -whimpering- -staring up at his old friends- -fearful and panicked- H-he found me. -a lie- -but convincing in delivery- F-forced me.

James: I trusted you! -snarls- -grabbing his chin in a vice- -forcing their eyes to meet-

Peter: -squirms- Please stop! -trying to writhe out of his grip- He would have killed me!

James: -that sends this jolt of rage through him- -so powerful and overwhelming- -that he's screaming and choking him- -wrapping his hands around his throat- -and squeezing with every ounce of strength he had- So you let him kill my baby?! My wife?! My brother?! -pressing his thumbs sharply into his windpipe- -hearing him gag- -feeling him claw at his hands- They're dead because of you!

Remus: -that was what he needed to hear- -that it'd been because he was a coward- -he'd given information because he was afraid he'd die- -selfish rat- -no remorse now- -Peter had valued his own life above everyone else's- -couldn't forgive that- -kneels down to watch- -watch the life starting to slip out of Peter's body the more James raged on him-

James: -it's not enough- -lifting his head up- -and slamming it down on the floor- -over and over- -to the point that blood starts to pool and splatter- -until Peter's eyes glaze over- -and there is nothing left- -but he can't stop- -he's still choking him- -still beating him against the floor- -tears having pooled in his eyes- You took them away from me! -his voice filled with notes of misery-

Remus: -glares- -watching intently- -calm- -it was the predator in him- -could tell when he was dead- -lets James continue- -not wanting to stop him- -because he needed to get this out- -felt no remorse- -Peter deserved what he got- -it was actually too good for him-

James: -his hands are smeared in blood by the time he stops- -lets go of him- -but still distraught- -drops his forehead to his victim's chest- -and starts to cry against it- Why? -a question that had already been answered-

Remus: -they needed to get out of there- -dump the body- -clean up- -make it look like he'd gone missing- -the other wasn't in the right mindset to deal with it- Jamie.. -reaches out- -strokes the back of his head-

James: -rocking- -grips Peter's shirt- -using it to keep himself steady- -almost relying on the corpse- -using it as a source of comfort- -can feel the hand in his hair- -and almost thinks that it's the dead body-

Remus: -there wasn't time to keep sitting there- -wanted to let go of his stoicism and have an emotional release too- -but one of them had to be rational- -and the fact was- -they'd just killed a man- -and they had to deal with it- Jamie, please. -pets the back of his head again-

James: -actually registers his name this time- -lifts his head up- -looking down at the empty expression below him- -slowly turns his head to look at Remus- -stares at him- -something missing from his gaze-

Remus: -looks at him- -can tell he's in no mental state to deal with this- -wondering if he's got the time to take him home- -then come back and deal with the body himself- -looks down at Peter- -then at James again- I need to get you home, Jamie. -still stroking his hair slowly-

James: -unresponsive for several seconds- -and then he crawls off of Peter- -and moves closer to Remus- -a living source of comfort-

Remus: -glad to get a response out of him- -just going to take him home- -then come back to deal with it- -takes hold of him- -didn't know if they could apparate out- -would have to take him outside first- Come with me, okay? Just come with me. -pulls him up onto his feet-

James: -follows the pull- -standing up- -but resists moving any further- -looking back down at the body- -there was no rage left in him- -but the pain still resided- He's not dead.

Remus: -gently takes hold of his chin- -to draw his gaze away from Peter- -so their eyes can meet- Peter is dead, Jamie. And we have to go now. -clutches his arm with his free hand- -release his chin- -and starts to pull him toward the kitchen-

James: -frowns- -and resists the tug- -before all out fighting it- No! -trying to go back to the corpse- It still hurts! He's not dead! -it would stop hurting if he was gone-

Remus: -holds his arm tighter- -was deceptively strong- -the other wouldn't be able to get away from him easily- I know it still hurts. But we have to go now. We just need to go. Peter's dead. He's not moving. He's dead. Come with me, please.

James: -didn't want to leave yet- -wanted to go back- -to make sure- -continues to struggle against him- -pushing on him- -and leaving a bloody handprints on him- He killed them, Remmy!

Remus: I know he did! -firmer tone- He killed them, and we killed him. He's dead, and now I have to get you out of here. We did what we came to do, and now we have to go home.

James: -stops- -looking back at him- -and then back to the body- He's dead? -just needing that final confirmation-

Remus: -nods quickly- Yes. He's dead. He's dead and gone. -firm- -final time he's going to say it- -would drag the other out or carry him if he had to- -but they had to get outside of the wards around the house- -had to go- -if there was even a prayer that he could come back and clean up-

James: -hesitates- -and then gives in- -and stops resisting- -letting the other drag him wherever he liked- -still not completely there- -but better than he had been moments before-

Remus: -relieved when he stops resisting- -loosens his grip a little- -since he'd stopped fighting- -takes him back to the kitchen- -performs the same wandless skill in opening the glass barrier so they can fit through- Climb out, and wait for me outside. Can you do that for me?

James: I think I know how to crawl out a window. -replies a bit flatly- -but there's something a touch off in his voice- -the shock was still there- -does as he's told- -slipping through- -straightening up on the back balcony- -glances down at his hands- -tinged red-

Remus: -ignores the tone- -just needed to get him home- -could deal with everything else afterward- -most important thing was that they weren't seen- -climbs out after him- -once outside- -replaces the screen they took out to get in- -then closes the ward- -and the window- Let's go. -takes hold of his arm again- -and disapparates from the spot with him- -back to Godric's Hollow- -just outside the house- Go inside and clean yourself. Burn the clothes in the fire place.

James: -glances around once they arrive- -the familiarity of the house helping clear his head- -his eyes drop back to his hands- -still the same- -but now it felt important to get the red off- -looks up to Remus- -and nods- -understanding-

Remus: -nods- -really didn't want to go back there- -but had to deal with this- -gives him a bit of a lingering look- -wanting to do more- -say more- -assure him of something- -but there was nothing to be done about it now except clean up the mess- -if he stopped moving, he'd have to think about what just happened- -and how his heart still felt hollow- -couldn't deal with that- I'll be back. -vanishes a moment later to go back to the Pettigrew house-

James: -makes his way inside- -strips his clothes- -and tosses them into the fireplace- -uses his wand to conjure flames- -and is headed upstairs to slide in a shower by the time the flames take and begin to burn the evidence of his crime-

Remus: -goes through the motions of sneaking back into the house- -wandlessly scourgifies everything- -every inch of the first floor of the house- -the steps- -everything- -has to drag Peter's body out of the house- -making sure to clean everything again once he does- -closes the barrier- -and disappears with the body- -wasn't going to bury him- -the bastard didn't deserve to be placed in a grave- -instead takes him to a Muggle landfill in London- -staying out of sight- -takes him to where they incinerate the trash- -and throws the body into the pile- -wandlessly distributes more trash over it to cover it- -magically rigs the incinerator to start up- -and watches the pile fall in- -it's done- -he'll never be found- -disapparates- -back to the James' house- -enters- -trudging up to the room he'd been given-

James: -scrubs himself down- -despite having already done this just an hour or two earlier- -and steps out- -spends a long time staring at himself in the mirror- -coming to the longer he was away from what happened- -ends up sliding on some pajama bottoms- -dressing for comfort- -was just about to go downstairs when he hears someone coming up- -slips out of his room- -and sees Remus- ... -follows after him- Remmy.

Remus: -was just about to start undressing- -when he hears the other walking down the hall- -and hears his voice in the doorway- -turns around to face him- -hadn't let himself stop and think about anything yet- -but that moment was rapidly approaching- -knew that- -didn't want to face it alone- -takes a step toward him-

James: -knew what he had done- -hadn't been able to take care of himself- -it was kind of a blur- -now that he thought about it- -moves closer as well- -closing the distance- -hugs him-

Remus: -closes his eyes- -letting the other pull him into a hug- -returns it- -sliding his arms around the other's lower back- -letting his chin come to rest on his shoulder- -still trying to fight off his thoughts- -wasn't ready for it all to hit him- -didn't want to break down in front of James-

James: -shuts his eyes- I'm sorry. -no idea what had come over him- -there had been rage- -and then sorrow- -and then this hazy confusion- I dunno what happened. -mutters-

Remus: -didn't need an apology- -or an explanation- -they were in this together- -that was really all that mattered- -just holds onto him- -eyes fall shut as well- You don't have to say anything, Jamie. -murmurs softly-

James: -tightens his hold on the other- -taking a deep breath- He's gone. -there's not much emotion to the statement- We did it. -had gotten what he wanted- -just wish it...changed something-

Remus: -it was true- -they'd done it- -Peter was gone- -no one was going to find him- -and he was never coming back- -they could put that behind them- -only- -it didn't feel any better- -his heart hadn't mended itself- -it was very much still broken- -tilts his head so his cheek presses a little more into the crook of his neck- We did. Thank Merlin.

James: -trying to gather his thoughts- -it was difficult- -there was so much going through his head- -trying to play out what had happened- -just remembers so much anger- -and it was gone now- -but it wasn't being filled with anything- -it just felt empty-

Remus: -was trying to avoid his thoughts- -and the fact that they'd just committed a murder- -and he'd just dumped the body of his former friend- -most of all was trying to avoid the void in his broken heart- -it hadn't even begun to mend as he'd hoped it would- -was barely keeping it together at this point- -could cry later- -alone- -had to be strong for James-

James: -pulls back slightly- -and can see the blood on the other- ...you should wash up.

Remus: -looks down- -blood was all over him from carrying Peter- -had handprints on his shirt left by James- -nods slowly- I'll burn the clothes later. -steps around him- -so he could make his way to the loo-

James: -turns- -and watches him go- -looks down at the ground- -and then moves to sit on the bed- -pulls his legs up and wraps his arms around them- -so many thoughts rushing through his head- -wasn't going to come to terms with this any time soon-

Remus: -undresses in the wash room- -then runs the hot water- -it's in there that he starts to lose it- -his motions go slower as he rinses the shampoo out- -starting to break down- -couldn't stop it once it started- -tears mesh with the hot water trickling down is face- -starts to cry softly in the shower-

James: -rests his chin on his knees- -the longer he thought about it- -realizes he can't remember it- -can only recall the emotions- -can't see how it played out- -the only thing he knew was that there had been stairs- ... -but can't remember Peter's face- -what had been said- -how long it had taken him to die- -blinded by everything he'd felt at the time-

Remus: -starts to slide down the wall- -to give in to the emotions even more- -but steadies himself- -and stands back up- -let's his tears mingle with the hot water running down his face until they stop- -collects himself enough to finish his shower- -dries himself off- -changes- -walks back into the room- -finding James there- ... -approaches the bed- Jamie.. -but what could he say?- -it was like being at the cemetery- -there were no words-

James: -looks up when Remus comes back- -his hair still damp- -there really was nothing to say- It's over. -except that it wasn't- -but had to believe that something would change- -that they accomplished something- -had avenged deaths that were not deserved-

Remus: -had to believe that too- -but the emptiness that followed was telling enough- -ignoring that- -if nothing else, hoped it for James- -nods- -and touches his shoulder- It's over. -repeats it- -and can't help but feel it's a lie-


	8. Chapter 8

James: -glances down at the hand on his shoulder- -and then back up at him- -faint nod at the confirmed statement- -lets go of his knees- -and lets his legs slide out on the bed-

Remus: -draws his hand back- -sits beside him- -didn't expect him to stay- -but didn't want him to go- -if he left- -those feelings of emptiness and despair might come back- -they were already lurking on the perimeter of his emotions as it was-

James: -pulls in a long breath- -mouth set in a line- -unsure of what to do with himself- -had never planned anything past killing Peter- -feeling just as lost as he had before- -fiddles with the cloth of his bottoms-

Remus: -watches him out of the corner of his eye- -could see him fidgeting- -likely feeling just as lost as he was- -the plan had always been to avenge the others by killing Peter- -even before they started speaking again- -had always had that in mind- -now that it had happened- -didn't know what to do with himself-

James: ...we could go visit them. -already had that day- -but could tell them that Peter was gone- -if they weren't already aware- -but for some reason that seems like a forced option-

Remus: -they'd never gone together before- -had been there at the same time- -but that was different- -wasn't sure he ought to- -still didn't feel right visiting when James was there- -they were his family- -even Sirius- -felt like he was intruding- If you'd like. -quiet-

James: -shrugs- -not feeling particularly strong either way- -lets go of his bottoms- -rests his hand next to him on the bed instead-

Remus: -wishes he'd decide- -was never good at make decisions except in the heat of the moment- -like getting rid of a body- -exhales a shaky breath- -and drops his hands to his sides- -brushing his hand against the other's- -ears burn immediately-

James: -glances over at the brush- -fixing on the other's hand- -considering it- -slides his hand a bit closer- -so his pinky is over the other's-

Remus: -eyes their hands out of the corner of his gaze- -when the other makes that tiny gesture it causes his ears to burn even more- -the blush spreading to his cheeks- -ever so slightly curls his pinky around the other's-

James: -returns the curl- -so their pinkies are hooked- -such a simple gesture- -but it felt like a lot- -lifts his eyes from their hands- -to the other's face-

Remus: -can feel the other's eyes on him- -wasn't sure if he ought to return the gaze- -or keep looking down at the floor- -the feeling just from that one gesture of affection generated a warmth that spread through him- -and while it was satisfying he also wanted more- -shouldn't have- -it was terribly selfish- -couldn't help it- -slowly lifts his gaze- -to meet the other's-

James: -eyes flicker between the other's- -chews on the inside of his lip- -that empty void inside- -it wasn't filled- -but it didn't seem so deep-

Remus: -didn't want to force him to look- -so just lowers his eyes again- -looking at their hands- -just wanted more of that warmth- -that closeness- -doesn't know how to ask for it-

James: -unsure of why he looked away- -but not bothered- -sees his eyes settle into their hands- -squeezes his pinky slightly- -acknowledging the gaze-

Remus: -feels the squeeze- -which gives him hope that the other might be feeling something different- -why?- -what was he feeling anyway?- -it was all so confusing- -didn't know what to do or say- -looks at him again- -holding his gaze-

James: -his eyes flit all over the other's face- -feeling drawn into him- -a source of familiarity and comfort- -leans in a bit- -bringing his face closer to the other's-

Remus: -surprised- -unsure of how to respond to the other's closeness- his heart starts to speed up- -didn't know what to think of that either- -unsure of what else to do- -leans in a little too- -so their foreheads brush-

James: -shuts his eyes- -responds with a brush of his own- -letting his cheek skim against the other's- -otherwise not moving- -his pinky still entwined with the other's-

Remus: -turns his nose- -to lightly nuzzles the other's cheek- -eyes closing- -praying silently he won't turn away from him- -or his touch-

James: -pulls in a long breath- -letting the feel relax him- -wasn't even sure why it did- -but he didn't want to lose this feeling- -it was so much better than everything else- -even the revenge- ...why does this feel so good? -asks reluctantly- -his voice almost a whisper-

Remus: -pauses at the question- -didn't know the answer to that- -despite wondering about it himself- -didn't know if he really wanted to know the answer, either- -afraid of it- -glad he didn't draw away- -could make guesses- I don't know the reason. -tender voice- I just know we need this.

James: -lets the words settle between them- -then lifts his free hand up- -to cup the other's cheek- -finally kisses the other softly- -at the corner of his lips- -before resting his forehead against his temple-

Remus: -eyelids flutter shut- -feeling their lips meet- -returns the kiss as softly as he can- -however brief it was- -eyes remain shut- -relishing the taste he'd gotten of the other- -relieved his response hadn't received a negative reaction-

James: -slowly lowers his head- -and rests it on the other's shoulder- Can I stay here? -meant the room- -and for the night- -still couldn't go to his own room- -would be sleeping on the couch if he wound up alone-

Remus: -turns his head- -to nuzzle the top of his head- -just so relieved the other wasn't drawing away from him- -even though he likely ought to have been- You don't have to ask me that. -softly- Of course you can. -lightly starts to stroke his back-

James: -felt this warmness filling him- -the touch relieving so much- -inches closer- -pulls in a deep breath- -letting it just sooth him-

Remus: -continues to lightly stroke his back- -expressing his tenderness- -and affection- -didn't want to lose this- -wasn't sure he'd be able to get through this without the other now- -needed this bond- -places a kiss atop his head-

James: -the kiss opens him further- -slides an arm around his waist- -and pulls him closer- -still confused why this felt the way it did- -but at least the other felt the same-

Remus: -lets himself be drawn in- -not sure what it meant- -just knows how it makes him feel- -had meant what he said about needing it- -couldn't deny that- -shifts closer- -so close to just sliding into his lap- -wanted to- -but lacked the confidence to make such bold move- -instead- -slides an arm around him- -and nuzzles his hair-

James: -small shiver- -his hair sensitive to touch- -slides his hand along up and down the other's side- -stroking- -ignoring the part of him that insisted this was wrong-

Remus: -wasn't going to let the wrongness in- -keeping it at bay by holding onto him- -and every shred of comfort he could provide- -leans into him a little more- -trying not to let his breath quicken too much-

James: -felt greedy- -wanted the warmth of the other against him- -to be as close as possible- -but didn't know where to draw the line- -just encourages the other's movement- -tightening his hold as he leaned in-

Remus: -maybe he should've said no- -or offered to sleep on the couch himself- -but- -that wouldn't have solved anything- -it wouldn't have alleviated any of the pain- -or the need- -switching places wouldn't have brought this warmth- -this softness- -this togetherness- -just didn't want to be alone- -lifts one hand to the other's cheek- -and presses his lips to the opposite side of his jaw-

James: -shuts his eyes- -tilting his head slightly- -steadying his breaths- -silently wishing for him to continue-

Remus: -takes the tilting of his head as an invitation to continue- -not stop- -breathes softly against his neck- -and continues to kiss along his jawline-

James: -the warm breath on his neck gives him a rush of heat- -nibbles on bottom lip briefly- -before they part entirely- -soft pants-

Remus: -breathing in his scent- -it was becoming more and more familiar to him- -knew it- -but not in such an intimate way- -can hear his soft breaths- -trails his lips up near his ear- -the hand on his cheek trails down the center of his chest- -stomach- -stopping above his pants- Jamie.. -whispers against his ear-

James: -his muscles flutter beneath the other's hand- -shudders when he hears his name- -frozen still- -but yearning for the hand to descend- -but can't bring himself to acknowledge that want-

Remus: -kisses down the curve of his neck- -suckling here and there- -couldn't expect verbal confirmation- -only knew he wasn't pushing him away- -slowly starts to slip his hand beneath the waistband of his pajamas- -finding no other barrier there- -it sends a throbbing ache to his groin- -fingers brush against the trail of hair that leads down- -can feel heat- ... -his own breathing starts to pick up- -panting against his neck-

James: -stopped thinking of wrongness long ago- -somewhere around the almost-kiss- -this felt too pleasant to be wrong- -tenses further when the hand slides in- -anticipation tilting his hips up- -his hand drops from around the other- -to rest behind him and support his weight-

Remus: -can't stop himself- -slides his hand down further- -finding the source of that heat- -wrapping his hand around him- -audible gasp- -first time he's touched anyone other than Sirius- -eyes squeeze shut- -shoving that thought away- -burying it- -squeezes his cock- -and starts to stroke him slowly- -busying his lips in the other's neck again-

James: -the gasp confuses him- -but can't think about it- -groans softly- -the simple touch feeling so good- -having had nothing but their painful grinding- -it doesn't take a much for him to start hardening in the other's hand-

Remus: -can feel his body responding to the touch- -stroking the other- -shifting his hold on him from tight to loose and back again in slow strokes- -kisses back up to his jaw-

James: -turns his face- -his lips naturally wanting to seek out the other's- -but has enough of his mind- -that when he's about to kiss him- -stops at the last second- -shifts his mouth to the side- -and only pecks the corner of his lips again-

Remus: -opens his eyes partially- -looking at him briefly- -eyes shut again- -stroking him a little faster- -feeling quite the discomfort in his own pants-

James: -hasn't even occurred to him to return the favor- -his hips naturally want to thrust- -and he doesn't curb this urge- -rocking up into the hand pleasuring him- -pressing little kisses to his cheek- -his lips wanting to claim-

Remus: -adjusts his strokes to be more in time with the rocking of the other's hips- -feeling the kisses on his cheek- -turns his head- -not wanting to force the other to kiss him- -just leaving his lips close enough for him to reach should he choose-

James: -it felt so good- -only wishes there was some sort of lube- -to make it even better- -the longer it takes- -the more strained he becomes- -and the less he cares- -his lips trail closer- -and his tongue flicks out- -to lick the other's bottom lip-

Remus: -utters a soft sound- -moves his hand a little faster- -uses his other hand to start to ease him back- -so the other could lie down- -and not have to think about propping himself up anymore- -

James: -follows the guide- -laying back- -and letting himself relax into the bed- -though his hips remain arched up slightly- -slides a hand up into his own hair- -and grips the messy locks- -giving himself something to hold- -and something else to feel- Tighter. -requests- -didn't need much- -but urging it closer to what he liked-

Remus: -hovers over him- -giving him what he asks- -squeezing his cock as he strokes him- -thumbs the head- -licks the other's upper lip- -brushes their lips in the same manner the other had done before-

James: -looks up at him- -overwhelmed by everything this was- -can't resist the brush- -latches onto his lips- -just as he groans against him- -kissing him quite intently-

Remus: -meets his eyes for a moment- -then falls into the kiss- -returning it hungrily- -only holding onto it as long as the other will allow- -continues to work him in his palm- -trying to push him along to the brink of ecstasy- -though at the same time- -didn't want this to stop- -knowing how good of an escape it was- -didn't want to go back to reality again-

James: -transfers his hand from his own hair- -to the other's- -grabbing a handful- -and keeping his mouth pulled close- -not at all put off by the fact that nothing was familiar- -not the shape of his lips- -not his taste- -not the way he moved- -it was exciting to explore- -his tongue eagerly prodding against the other's lips- -and sliding into his mouth-

Remus: -a little surprised- -in a good way- -when the other starts exploring his mouth- -parts his lips willingly- -it was just as unfamiliar for him- -indulging in its newness- -letting his passionate curiosity run wild- -meeting his tongue with his own- -brushing against it- -teasing it- -pumps his hand faster- -groaning against his lips-

James: -so aroused and hard- -each stroke was sending rushes of pleasure- -that seemed to be collecting deep in his groin- -the other's groan is echoed by a more desperate one- -nodding a little- -a unconscious sign of how badly he needed this- -and how close he was getting-

Remus: -could feel how hard he was- -reflected the situation in his own pants- -could see it in his expression- -how close he was- -watches him- -feeling the urge to drop down and suck him off the rest of the way- -a bit surprised at the abrupt desire- -stays still- -other than his hand- -pumping his cock faster- -squeezing-

James: -his hips lift more and more- -expression contorting- -becoming etched with pleasure- -holds his breath for the last few seconds- -and tilts his head back- -exposing taut skin on his neck- -moans as his body jerks- -the muscles in his stomach contracting sharply- -his mind empty and blissful-

Remus: -dark eyes drop to that exposed neck- -finding the primal urge rising to bite- -which shocks the hell out of him- -squeezes his eyes shut- -pushing that urge away- -refocuses his eyes on the other's face- -strokes him that much harder- -to bring him as much pleasure as he can-

James: -the continued stroking brings another sound from him- -higher now- -and he grips at the other firmly- -fingers digging into his side- Fuck. -gasps breathlessly-

Remus: -keeps it up- -feeling the painful throbbing in his groin- -as if his body knew what the other was experiencing- -wanting it too- -ignores it- -focusing his attention on James-

James: -what was just fingers- -turn into nails- -clawing- -starts to whine softly- Remmy. -the stimulation becoming sharp- -and nearing painful- -could only bask in the sensation- -squirming as it overwhelmed him-

Remus: -slows down his hand just a little- -hissing at the feel of his nails- -but it drove him onward- -continues firmly- -just not as fast- -making sure to brush his thumb over the head over and over- -swirling around what had already spilled out- Jamie.. -whispers his name in reply-

James: -had never been worked so thoroughly- -it was unlike anything he'd ever experienced before- -reduced to a mess of sounds and sensation- Hurts. -murmurs back- -but actually found him not wanting to let go- -to keep touching him- -and continue this feeling- -of just being overwhelmed and helpless-

Remus: -didn't want to over-stimulate him too much- -knowing it could indeed get painful- -slows- -until he stops moving his hand- -just holding onto his cock- -leans in to give him another kiss- -then draws back- -slowly pulling his hand away- -wandlessly- -and silently- -cleans them both up- -nuzzles his face into the other's neck- -and slips an arm around his midsection-

James: -only able to relax once he lets go- -didn't think he'd be moving from this spot any time soon- -his eyes remain closed- -feels the tingling of a cleaning charm- -reaches for the other tiredly- -trying to pull the other to lay over him-

Remus: -moves with the pull- -letting the other have him as near as he wants- -keeps his face nuzzled into the crook of his neck- -liking that spot- -the warmth- -and the other's scent both keeping him calm- -nestles against him-

James: -the relaxation fades awfully quickly- -tensing- -as he grows aware of something poking rather firmly against him- ... -feeling extremely awkward suddenly-

Remus: -feels him tense- -which causes him to tense a little too- -eyes open- -doesn't move yet- -just.. wasn't sure what the problem was- -hadn't realized it was his erection that was causing the discomfort in the other-

James: -didn't know how to deal with it- -hoped the other wasn't expecting anything in return- -didn't want to touch him- -as selfish as that sounded- -wasn't his idea to do this- ... -found it was one thing to take pleasure- -but giving it- -...just no- -with that thought in mind- -pushes the other away- -the idea of cuddling ruined for him-

Remus: -hadn't been expecting anything- -it wasn't as if it was the first time he'd been left without the release returned- -wasn't even going to mention it- -just.. wanted to be close- -wouldn't have objected to it- -but certainly wouldn't demand it- -eyes open- -tenses up even more as he's pushed away- -hurt expression- ... -as if the other was repulsed by him- -absorbs the initial pain- -forcing his expression to go blank-

James: -sees the hurt- -and it creates a lurch of guilt- -that he does not like- -pushes himself up a bit- -finding his arms are slightly shaky- I just... -his eyes drift down to the other's crotch- -and can see the bulge- -didn't know if it was the cock itself- -or if it was knowing what had turned him on- -or what the other might want from him- -his face burns with embarrassment- -looks away- -down to the mattress below-

Remus: -can't look at him- -was used to being shunned- -that was how things worked for people like him- -but feeling it from James- -that was something he never expected to happen- I didn't expect anything from you. I just.. wanted to be near you. -turns over- -hiding the bulge in his pants- -squeezes his eyes shut- -the tears were about to come forth- -couldn't let them- -couldn't break- -not now-

James: -grits his teeth- -the guilt intensifying- -couldn't handle more guilt- -simply could not- -moves closer- -staring at his back- I want to be near you too. -just him being aroused made it so awkward and uncomfortable- -never mind the fact that he just let the other give him a handjob-

Remus: -lays still- -digging his nails into his palms- - to focus the pain elsewhere- -anywhere but his broken heart- -the other's words do little for him- -actions spoke louder than words- -but knew the other was going through hell- -they both were- Then just be near me. -quiet-

James: -slowly lowers himself back down- -right next to the other- -letting his body press against him- -drapes an arm over him- -looking at his hair now-

Remus: -feels him press against him- -closes his eyes- -tears slip down his cheeks- -silently- -still hurt- -but trying to just let it go- -blinks back any more- -just burying it with everything else- -places a hand over the arm draped around him-

James: -quiet for a while- -still felt bad- -obviously had upset the other- -wasn't completely sure why- -if it was just being pushed away- -or if there was more to it than that- -speaks up after a while- Sorry. -it's a quiet mumble-

Remus: -barely hears it- -takes it in- -processes it- -didn't need it- -the other couldn't help how he felt- -just didn't know what to think or feel- -didn't know what he was allowed to think or feel- -that wasn't the other's fault, really- -this just pushed those worries to the forefront of his mind- It's okay, Jamie. -squeezes his arm- We're okay. -there was no reason to let it drag on- -James was all he had- -and vice versa- -didn't want anything to come between them-

James: -and still- -frowning a bit- ... -now he kind of wanted space- -felt restless and uneasy- -but that would just upset the other more- -so had to stay- ... -if nothing else- -at least his thoughts were about this- -not about the death of Peter- -or of Lily and Harry- -still nothing positive- -but better than what it could be-

Remus: -could feel eyes staring into the back of his head- -it made him uneasy- -still very wary that the other even wanted to touch him- -looks down at his hand on his arm- -then slowly shifts around to face him- -his erection had died several minutes ago- -didn't really have much to say- -just didn't want him to think the worst of the situation- -and having his back to him wouldn't help anything-

James: -can't help the way his eyes flick down briefly- -to the front of his trousers- -but there's nothing to be seen- -lifts them back up quickly- -as if he hadn't looked at all-

Remus: -couldn't tell if James was looking him over or not- -didn't matter- -just didn't know what to do now- -still needed to burn his clothes- -but that could wait- -lets his eyes close- -maybe sleeping would make everything right-

James: -sees his eyes closed- -hesitates for several seconds- -before following the example- -and shutting his eyes- -trying to relax- -and let it go- -but it still felt like this gnawing- -less what had happened after- -and more what had happened while the other had been touching him- -recalling now that they'd even kissed- -chews on his lip- -no idea if he was going to be able to get to sleep like this-

Remus: -wasn't sure he'd sleep either- -or if it would even help- -some of his nightmares were horrific- -shifts a little closer just at the thought- -though he knew the other couldn't stop him from having them-

James: -realizes there is something that could help with the discomfort- -slides his glasses off- -and drops them next to him on the bed- -a little better- -but not much- -feels the other slide closer- -and adjusts his arm around the other- -to fit this new position better-

Remus: -feels him move a bit- -but at least he wasn't moving away- -still unsure whether he really wants to be there- -but he said he did- -had to trust him-

James: -pulls in a long breath- -trying to settle- -so this wouldn't be a long night- -and he could get to sleep- -and get through it-

Remus: -lies there quietly- -hoping for some sign that the other wants to be there- -and isn't just lying with him because he feels he has to- -not expecting to receive it- -just wishing for it- -eventually drifts off- -his hold on the other loosens- -as he falls asleep-


	9. Chapter 9

James: -it takes a while longer for him to fall sleep- -thinking about it a lot- -and feeling really bothered- -but eventually he manages to drift off- -makes it through the night- -until early in the morning- -before his sleep in interrupted- -finds himself in a familiar kitchen- -stepping out into a hallway- -looking at the back of someone he considered a friend- -there is a swell of anger- -so powerful it's blinding him to all else- -and he's running up the stairs- -reaches him- -grabs his shoulder- -but as soon as he does- -the figure turns- -and all he can see is emptiness and blood- ... -shoots up in bed- -eyes wide and panicked- -glances around the room- -realizes he's panting and shaking slightly- -and that he was not alone- -tries to suck in a calming breath-

Remus: -managed to make it through the night- -without having any dreams he could remember- -that didn't happen often- -most of his dreams had him waking up feeling horribly depressed- -lonely- -sad- -empty- -pulled from his sleep abruptly when the other jolts awake- -eyes open wide- -disoriented at first- -still wasn't used to being there- -expected to see the dark surroundings of the Shrieking Shack- -instead faced with James Potter- -sits up slowly next to him- Jamie..?

James: -looks over at him- -quickly tries to compose himself- -but his heart was racing- Sorry, didn't mean to wake you. -says the first thing he can think of- Just need to use the bathroom. -makes his point by climbing off the bed-

Remus: -didn't believe that- -had lived with James for seven years in school- -knew him better than that- -knew his patterns of behavior in the morning pretty well- -they didn't involve bolting upward awake- -looks at him- -watching him get out of bed- Oh. -wasn't going to push it- -hopefully the other would come to him if he needed it- Well, here. -picks up his glasses from the bed- -holds them out to him-

James: -blinks at the offered glasses- Right. -plucks them from the other- -and slips them on- Much better. -forced smile- Thanks. -steps out the bedroom- -goes to the bathroom- -and goes ahead and uses it since he was there- -tucks himself away and moves over to the sink- -looking at his face again- -was a bit pale- -runs some water to splash over his skin-

Remus: -left alone- -sits there- -unsure what to do with himself- -since the other was in the bathroom- -pulls at a thread on the comforter- -then slips slowly out of bed- -and starts looking for something to wear-

James: -wipes off his face roughly- -just wanting to forget the vision in his head- -it freaked him out- -and would be better left unacknowledged- -drops the rag he'd used on the sink- -and heads downstairs instead- -figured Remus might try to get back to sleep- -didn't think he could sleep- -didn't really want to close his eyes- -scared of what he might see-

Remus: -sets his clothes on the bed- -sits back down- -didn't know what else to do- -considers going down to make breakfast- -but didn't know what James was planning- -fiddles with the buttons on the cardigan he was intending to wear-

James: -sits on the couch- -but is restless within the minute- -stands again- -glances around the room- -nothing to do- -eyes the kitchen- -then decides he can just cook them something- -ends up deciding on just copying yesterdays meal- -but instead of sausages- -was going to make hash browns- -starts to pull all the ingredients out- -set them on the counter-

Remus: -eventually hears movement downstairs- -decides to check it out- -follows him- a few minutes after- -following him down the steps- -notes what he's doing- Is there anything I can do to help?

James: -the sound of all his movement muffles the other's arrival- -jumps when he hears his voice- -head whipping over to look at him- -pauses- -then shakes his head- No, that's alright. -doing this as a distraction- -so wasn't opposed to dragging it out- Why don't you go take a shower and get ready? -knew he probably had to change his bandages again- -at least on his arm- -the rest were probably healed enough to forgo them- It'll be ready when you get out.

Remus: -really should've anticipated him turning down the offer- -but still a little bummed about it- -just nods- All right. -leaves the kitchen quietly- -walking back upstairs to do as the other suggested- -really did need to change his bandages and make sure he was still healing properly- -does so- -his arm was still fairly mangled- -but it was getting better- -dresses his arm back in bandages after showering- -puts on the clothes he laid out for himself- -takes his time- -not wanting to bother James- -eventually walks back downstairs- -to see if he's finished-

James: -using what he learned just yesterday- -manages to do a better job- -the bacon isn't burnt, at least- -though the eggs were still dry- -and the hash browns a bit crisp- -it was a work in progress- -loads up two plates- -dividing the food evenly- -and moves it out into the living room- -avoiding the dining room again- -would figure that situation out on a later date- -considering possibly getting rid of that table completely and buying a round one- -then there would be no issue about who sits where- -sets them down on the coffee table- -and headed back to the kitchen to get drinks when the other arrives downstairs- -looks over at him- What do you want to drink?

Remus: -could smell the food- -it looked like he'd done a little better with it this time- -but honestly hadn't noticed anything wrong with it before- -as he'd been so hungry- -wasn't quite as starving as he'd been before- -eating regularly since staying with James had curbed that- -looks at him- Whatever you're having is fine, thank you. -sits down on the couch-

James: -grabs two glasses of milk- -and brings both out- -sits down as well- -offering the other his glass- -before grabbing his plate and digging in- -feeling rather hungry himself-

Remus: -takes the glass- -thanks him again- -starts to eat as well- -though he wasn't starving- -was still in starvation mode- -so eats hungrily- -gulping down the milk-

James: -notices how quickly the other is eating- -knew he had quite the appetite- -but it was overstretching even that- Hungry? -quirks a brow-

Remus: -snaps out of it when the other addresses him- -realizes how quickly he was eating- -ears burn a bit- -cheeks flush- It would appear so. -shy smile-

James: -can't help but return it softly- -found the smile cute- -one of his first true ones to date- I can make more if you're still hungry. -munches on a bacon strip-

Remus: -could feel how warm his cheeks were- -knew they had to be pink- -trying to will the color away- -but obviously the more he thought about it the longer it would stay that way- -nibbles his bacon a bit more sparingly- I.. think this is plenty. -rubs the back of his neck- But I'll let you know if I still have room for more.

James: -that damn blush again- -can't remember the other ever turning pink so much- -not for him, at least- -that thought brings him down a bit- -sips at his milk- -letting the presence of the other distract him- ...think Dumbledore will pull the Order together soon? -questions-

Remus: -pauses- -thinking about it- -had been purposely avoiding the subject of the Order both for James' sake and his own- -didn't know how he could be around the others- -without some very key members who would normally be present- -shrugs lightly- I.. I don't know. I imagine if he does, it'll probably be soon. -would they tell them about Peter?- -didn't think that would be a good idea-

James: -nods- I hope so. -wanted to do something- -now that Peter was gone- ... -has to push away the dream from last night- ... -felt the need to get back to work- -to do some good- -to get back at the people who killed his loved ones-

Remus: -hesitant- -but agrees- It would be good to hear from Dumbledore, to see what he thinks we ought to do next. -just didn't want to go back to what he'd been doing- -regretted ever agreeing to it in the first place- -it had ruined everything-

James: -realizes things would be different now- -Lily had been his main partner before- -before she'd gotten pregnant- -and then he teamed up with Sirius- -until he had to go into hiding- -but they were both gone now- -looks over to Remus- ...think he'll let us work together?

Remus: -meets his look- -unsure- -it would be logical- -they knew each other well- -and likely could strike a balance between them given their personalities- -that was why he and Sirius partnered so well- -before he'd been given his own private mission, anyway- -had been going rogue for so long- -forgot what it was like to have a partner- I hope so - that is, I think it would be the logical choice to pair us up. I.. I don't know what he intends for me to do now. But I can't go back where I was. -frowns- -looks down at his lap- I don't want to run with monsters anymore.

James: -wasn't done eating- -but the last statement sours his stomach a little- -enough that he sets his plate and the remaining scraps on the coffee table- He can't make you do anything you don't want to, Moony.

Remus: -pushes his eggs around with his fork- -shakes his head- I didn't want to do it in the first place. He just told me how much it could possibly help - I.. -it hurt to even think about it- -having to run with wolves who embraced what they were and celebrated everything he fought so hard to keep from consuming him- -some of those last fights with Sirius- -the monster had come out of him- -it was no wonder he became the prime suspect for the traitorous leak- -pushes those thoughts away- -though it was getting harder to bury everything- I guess it.. if it helps us, it would be selfish for me to say no, wouldn't it?

James: -frowns- No. -did not believe that- If it's bad enough that it's against who you are and what you believe in, then what the hell are we fighting for? -if he'd been told to kill the Death Eaters he captured- -it would have compromised his own morals- -wouldn't have done it- -and wouldn't have felt bad about that- We'd be no different from them if we just did whatever we were told.

Remus: -could understand that point of view- -but also knew that they had to undergo hardships for the greater good- -sacrificing his own happiness for a better world didn't seem so bad on the surface- -but after all the damage it had caused for others too- -wasn't sure how he could agree to it anymore- I suppose. It's just quite difficult to tell Dumbledore no. I guess I have that problem with a few people. -smiles a little in his direction-

James: -not as amused- -taking it quite seriously- Then s'pose I'll just have to say no for you.

Remus: -shrugs again- -looking down- He might not even ask. He knows how I feel about it. -hoped the older man would have enough tact to understand how bad it would be to ask him again- -couldn't count on that though- I think it'd be more useful to pair us up.

James: -nods- -would just have to wait and see- -no idea what Dumbledore was planning- -felt a bit out of the loop- -now that he had a desire to get back in it- -stands up and grabs his plate- -holds his hand out to the other- -an offer to take his as well-

Remus: -looks up at him- -then down at his plate- -holds it out to him- Thanks. -reaches for his milk glass- -stands up slowly-

James: -takes it- -and starts off to the kitchen- -to wash them off- -not something he's thinking of doing- -just habit- -often did the dishes since Lily always cooked- -grabs a rag and the soap- -and starts to scrub them down with the sink running-

Remus: -brings his glass into the kitchen- -finishing off the milk- -adds it to the pile- -as the other finishes washing- -starts to dry them with a towel-

James: -glances over at him as he dries- -appreciated the help- -when he finishes with the last cup- -shows this by reaching over and setting a hand on his shoulder- Thanks.

Remus: -a little surprised by the thank you- -didn't actually hear it as much as he said it- -the warmth from the other's hand on his shoulder spreads to his cheeks- -didn't know why James made him feel so shy- -figures it's just from the attention- -that usually got him blushing- -small smile- You're welcome.

James: -lingers for a moment- -and then lets go- -leans against the opposite counter- -wondering what he could do today- -would probably stop by the cemetery for a while- -never really took anything- -maybe he ought to- -but doesn't think about it for long- -as far as anything else went- ... -wasn't sure-

Remus: -turns away when the other draws back- -finishes drying the dishes- -and starts to put them away- -could only imagine what the other was thinking about- -didn't pry- -thought he might go looking for work- -sometime be could contribute something to James-

James: -glances up at the other- Do you need anything? -knew he didn't have much- -didn't know exactly what he was lacking- -but should probably make sure he could get it-

Remus: -blinks- -turning around to face him- -didn't quite know what to say- -had been surviving on bare minimals for months- I don't.. I mean.. -always felt guilty asking for anything- -looks at his feet- -mismatched socks- -then back up- My shoes, the left one has a.. a hole. I keep mending it with magic but it's very persistent. -his face felt like it was on fire- I can pay you back once I get a job, just, I need nice shoes first. Vicious cycle, yeah?

James: -looks at him- -and can't help but feel a little pity- -though his face only shows understanding and sympathy- Okay, stop explaining. -didn't need to hear the reasoning- -just needed to know it was needed- -heads upstairs- -had a rather large stash of galleons hidden in his bedroom- -so he didn't have to stop by Gringotts all the time- -grabs a spare pouch- -and fills it with 50 galleons- -heads back downstairs after tying it in a tight and stubborn knot- -so Remus wouldn't be able to count- -and refuse it for being too much- -though he'd know it was a hefty sum just by the feel- -enters the kitchen and drops it on the counter near him- Just buy whatever you need, okay Remmy? -should be more than enough to pick up quite a bit-

Remus: -felt terribly shy and embarrassed- -financial problems weren't exactly something he was comfortable talking about- -what was even harder was accepting help- -had the same problem with Sirius- -didn't want charity or pity- -flinches a little as the money drops on the counter- -that money wasn't supposed to be for him- -frowns- -didn't want to seem ungrateful- -just felt wrong accepting it- -it was hard enough just saying he needed new shoes- -would've been fine borrowing a pair- -nudges the floor with his toe- Thank you. -would just buy the shoes- -find a job- -and put the money back when he earned it-

James: -knew he didn't like it- -but wasn't going to let him refuse it- -he needed the help- -so just tries to play it off- -and make him more comfortable- Just consider it a early birthday present. -shrugs- -it wasn't even a dent in his wealth- -something he often took for granted- -such as his current lack of job- -but probably would've been fired by now even if he'd had one-

Remus: -shrugs a little- -but then nods- -it was more than anyone had ever given him for his birthday- -or any holiday- -scratches the back of his neck- -didn't know what to say or do now-

James: I'm going to go take a shower. -steps back from the counter- -and then turns around- -headed for the stairs- -into the bathroom -strips himself down- -thinking about how he was going to have to stop in his room to get fresh clothes- -was going in there often enough- -just ought to make it official- -use it- -had been many weeks now- -but the idea of staying in there- -sleeping alone on the bed- ... -pushes the thought away- -as he climbs into the shower-

Remus: -nods- -doesn't move until after he leaves- -finishes straightening up the kitchen- -washing the stove, the counters- -just trying to do more to earn is keep- -picks up the pouch of money- -feels selfish just holding it- -carries it upstairs- -sits on the bed- -looking at the pouch- -didn't want to actually count it- -it would be too embarrassing- -opens it- -pulls out a few galleons- -just enough that would likely cover shoes- -slides them in his pocket-

James: -scrubs himself clean- -but as he's bathing- -comes across Lily's ring on his neck- -never really forgot it was there- -but it was always beneath his clothes- -out of sight and out of mind- -pulls it up and looks at the humble diamond- -it wasn't an extravagant- -not because he couldn't afford it- -but because all the fancy rings struck him as distinctly not Lily- -so he'd searched and searched until he'd found this one- -a happy middle ground- -leans heavily against the tiled wall- -runs a hand through his hair- -a gesture of grieving- -and this distraction lengthens his shower quite past his usual-

Remus: -heard the water running longer than usual- -but doesn't think on it much- -a longer shower could mean a number of things- -certainly wasn't going to go check on him- -not yet- -just sits there- -really not knowing what to do with himself- -almost all of his books were in his parents' cellar- -had asked for the space shortly after his last break up with Sirius- -when he had to completely separate himself and move out- -to go run with the wolves- -didn't like being around his parents- -too much guilt from all sides- -didn't want to ask for the books back- -didn't want to take up too much space-

James: -feeling too depressed to finish his shower- -after just standing uselessly in the stream- -decides to forgo washing his hair- -turns off the water and steps out- -wraps a towel around his waist- -and drops the lid of the toilet down- -so he can sit heavily on it- -back to fingering the ring- -letting it slide from side to side on the chain- -sighs-

Remus: -sits there- -then moves to the window- -looking out- -not at anything in particular- -just needed to look at something- -find something to focus on- -watches a bird for a minute- -just trying not to lose himself in his thoughts- -maybe he ought to seek out his parents after all- -books might be worth it-

James: -thinking about the last time he saw her- -when she'd grabbed his arm- -all but pleading that he stay- -the way she'd met his eyes- -and admitted she was scared- ... -had tried to quell her simple words- -and quick assurances- -that everything would be alright and that he'd be back soon- -feels his throat getting tighter- -tries to push the sorrow and regret away- -the guilt- ... -lets the ring go- -feels it settle against his chest- -quickly stands up- -moves to the sink- -an effort to distract himself- -but it's less effective than he'd hoped- -suddenly aware of something he'd never quite noticed until now- -all of Lily's things strewn about the counter- -her toothbrush next to his- -a stick of eyeliner and mascara that was brushed to the side- -a brush with knotted red hair woven in at the bottom of the bristles- -stares at it all in a sinking daze-

Remus: -traces the window frame absently- -not really even aware he's doing it- -presses his forehead to the glass- -looking at the neighboring houses- -wondering how many others were suffering the loss of loved ones- -was this part of life?- -it didn't feel natural- -probably because the deaths were anything but natural- -soft sigh- -thinking of Sirius- -there was so much he didn't know- -and there was no way to find out- -the journals would be the closest way to find answers- -if he even wrote about him- -but didn't know how to ask James about them- -probably never would-

James: -glances over at the bin next to the toilet- -not big enough- -opens the door and strides out of the bathroom- -not bothering to stop and dress- -just goes downstairs- -grabs the garbage can- -and hauls it back up- -sets it near the doorway of the bathroom- -and starts to throw everything of Lily's away- -the toothbrush- -the makeup- -the hair brush- -her medicines- -stalks over to the shower to grab bottles that had been blending in the background- -and now stood out to him like a sore thumb-

Remus: -hears the commotion- -snapping out of his daze- -turns to see James trough the open doorway- -seeing him go to the bathroom with a trash can- -eyebrows raise- -not quite sure he should follow him- -waits a moment-

James: -throws the shampoo and conditioner bottles away- -her loofah- -ignoring the familiar scent that wafted by- -forcing himself to move on to her razor and shaving cream- -finding what he'd learned long ago- -that she took up far more space than he did- -shifts to the shelves of the bathroom- -tossing every single thing that had belonged to her- -ravaging the entire bathroom- -but it's not enough- -and he moves to the bedroom- -moving onto more valuable things- -things he should be packing away- -to be saved- -or given away- -necklaces- -earrings- -knickknacks- -just dropping everything into the trashcan- -not realizing how upset he was-

Remus: -blinks- -just stays- -thought about stopping him- -but afraid that might make it worse- -moves away- -back to the bed- -sitting in the middle of it- -drawing his knees to his chest-

James: -manages to fill it up completely- -before he just drops to the floor- -hunched forward and pathetic- -silent tears dripped down his cheeks- -slides a hand into his hair- -and grips a handful of hair- -pulls hard- -threatening to rip the strands out of his scalp- -but the sharp pain sobers him slightly- -repeats it a few times- -calming himself-

Remus: -still torn over whether he should go to him or not- -the other needed to get these emotions out- -didn't want to stifle that- -but didn't want to let it get out of hand- -or for him to grieve alone- -squeezes his eyes shut- -slides off the bed after he hears the motion stop- -quietly approaches- -finding him- -sits on the floor beside him- Jamie..?

James: -could feel the other's presence as he entered the room- -quickly lets go of his hair- -and gives his eyes a firm swipe- -to hide the wet trails- Just cleaning up. -replies- -not even in the realm of convincing- -even if there was some truth to the statement-

Remus: -wishes the other didn't feel the need to hide his emotions- -but could understand- -did the same thing- -just did it better- -nods- -gently touches the other's hair- -lightly massaging the scalp he just pulled on-

James: -the touch sends a shiver through him- -soothing the ache he'd give himself- -tilts himself closer to the touch- -not questioning the other's presence- -just accepting it- -letting it keep him from the cold loneliness-

Remus: -wanting to soothe him- -it was good he'd gotten some of that repressed grief out- -but didn't want him to wallow in it for too long- -just wants him to know he has support- -continues to lightly rub and massage his scalp-

James: -weak for this sort of touch- Remmy. -whispers- -scooting closer still- -letting what the other was doing now block out what he'd been doing before himself-

Remus: -leans into him- -not trying to take it further- -just letting the other try to relax- -soft- I'm here. -slides his fingers to the base of his scalp-

James: -did actually want it to be taken further- -craving the other's touch- -reaches down to his towel- -and pulls it open- -exposing his nude body to the other- Touch me. -his voice a beg- -but wasn't just talking about what lay nestled between his legs- -meant his entire body- -wanted the feel of hands on him- -stroking and exploring- -comforting-

Remus: -surprised by the action- -hadn't ever seen him like this- -a quick accidental glimpse in the shower at school- -or in the dorm room changing- -but was always the prude when it came to that sort of thing- -hiding behind his bed curtains- -hexing the lock on the bathroom door- -always turning his back when the others were changing- -his first instinct was to avert his eyes- -but his response was to give James what he wanted- -the hand in his hair slides down around the front of his chest- -shifts to be sitting in front of him- -facing him- -moves his other hand down around his hip- -trailing it up his side- -tracing previously untouched lines of muscle and skin-

James: -shuts his eyes- -dropping his hand down on the ground- -to brace himself- -and then just holds still- -letting himself feel- -savoring the intimacy- -there's almost relief in it-

Remus: -watches his face- -finding him starting to appear more relaxed- -then takes a moment to really look at his body- -it was strange to be looking at James like this- -to be touching him in such an intimate manner- -but it didn't feel as wrong as it should have- ... -until his eyes fall upon what he knew was Lily's ring- ... -momentarily wonders if he should stop- -but doesn't- -continues to caress him- -to explore and stroke his body all over- -loved Lily- -but his loyalty rested with James first- -leans in- -just enough to rest their foreheads together-

James: -it felt as if everything bad was being drawn out by the other's fingers- -so many places that needed to be touched- -there was warmth and satisfaction as they finally were- -feels the other's forehead pressed to his- -and returns the lean- -using the other as a brace instead-

Remus: -remains a steady presence- -letting him lean all he needs- -runs his hands all over him- -touching his chest- -stomach- -sides- -shoulders- -up and down his arms- -tracing over his muscles- -caresses him- -massages- -squeezes- -up to cup both of his cheeks tenderly- -then back down his front-

James: Fuck, Remus. -his voice a hoarse whisper- -it felt so right- -didn't want him to stop- -hand slides to the other's leg- -rests his hand on it- -and squeezes it- -encouraging him-

Remus: -was seeing the other in an entirely different way- -and it was very confusing- -knew he was feeling attraction- -just never thought he'd feel that for James- -it had always been Sirius for him- -of course he knew James was good looking- -everyone knew that- -just.. never thought past that until now- -the way the lines of his hip bones cut downward to his groin- -found himself wanting to lick them- -and a lot more- -the hand on his thigh spread warmth through his body- -and he had to mentally force himself not to get aroused- -else it might ruin this intimate moment- -tilts his head- -to bring them closer- -brushing their cheeks together-

James: -responds immediately to the brush- -nuzzling the other's cheek- -shifting closer- -not thinking about anything that has happened between them before- -nor of the fact that this was not really usual for friends- -squeezes his leg-

Remus: -nuzzles him right back- -and brushes his lips against his jaw a time or two- -can feel himself getting aroused- -can't help it- -but hoping the other will be too focused on himself to notice- -traces his hipbones with his fingertips- -bringing him dangerously close to his groin as he drags his fingers back and forth-

James: -his muscles naturally tense- -the skin growing more sensitive each time the fingers descended- -only to go back up- -opens his eyes- -and glances down at the hand- -watching the movements- -didn't care where it went- -as long as it didn't stop moving-

Remus: -drawing nearer to his groin- -feeling the heat there- -just didn't want things to get awkward again- -didn't like those brief, fleeting moments where neither of them knew what to say or do- -but regardless- -it would be awkward anyway at this point- -nuzzles his cheek again- -and continues to caress his body intimately- -one hand trailing down all the way to his thigh- -running down it- -then tracing back up the inner side-

James: -still watching the hand- -but when his legs part slightly- -it's not a product of any conscious thought- -turns his face- -so his nose brushes the others- -and then his lips- -finding that it was so easy to fall into it- -even if it always ended badly-

Remus: -feels his legs parting- -they'd been here before- -just.. the other had never been naked- -brushes their lips together as well- -as his hand finally brushes against his cock- -fingers start to slowly run along its length- -before wrapping around it and pumping slowly- -his other hand continues to trace the lines of muscles on his torso-

James: -gasps softly- -his eyes fluttering shut- -the stimulation- -even so small- -made his lips needy- -his mouth presses closer to the other's- -and he kisses him intently-

Remus: -melts into the kiss- -indulging in how it made him feel- -knew it was going to end badly- -but right now- -just clung to how good it felt to be touching him- -to that feeling he got when he looked at his naked body- -feeling a discomfort in his pants- -but focusing instead on the other- -brushes his thumb against his slit- -the coax out some of that prerelease- -then slides his hand down further- -to massage and squeeze his balls-

James: -lifts both of his hands up- -and grabs the other's head- -holding it lightly- -keeping it pulled close to his own- -works his tongue into the kiss- -the pace of his mouth changing with the other's touches-

Remus: -whimpers against his lips- -feeling jolts of warmth shoot through him as their tongues stroke against each other- -kneads their lips- -thumbs his balls- -then slides his hand back up to his cock- -and pumps him again- -a little faster than before-

James: -groans into the other's mouth- -falling to this so much- -that there isn't any thought as he pushes the other back suddenly all the way to the floor- -and crawls over him- -looking down on him- -his expression unreadable- -if not accented in lust-

Remus: -eyes widen as he's pushed back- -looking up at the other- -he'd never responded like this before- -usually just took what was given- -and that was the end of it- -reaches up- -lightly touches his face- -could sense the lust between them- -even if he couldn't see it clearly-

James: -a little disarmed by the gentle touch- -it didn't seem to belong with the turn this had taken- -hesitates- -and then shakes it off- -reaches up and grabs the hand- -pulling it instead back to his cock- -encouraging him to take hold again- -and once he does- -shifts his hips a bit- -as if he were fucking the other- -but instead of actually finding refuge inside of him- -was simply fucking his hand-

Remus: -does as the other indicates- -sliding his hand back down to his cock- -squeezing it- -knowing he liked a tighter grip- -hadn't really been in such a position before- -presses his knees against his hips- -finding himself feeling an ache in his lower half- -not his groin- -lower- -desiring something he'd only felt with one other person- -and it was rare- -shuts his eyes- -trying to push it away- -and just let the other fuck his hand- -reaches his other hand around to his back- -digging his fingertips into his skin-

James: -it didn't feel nearly as good as the real act would- -but the motions were similar enough- -letting himself give into it- -thrusting quickly- -wishing it were slicker again- -groans again- -but this time it's more a sound of need than pleasure- -lowers himself a little- -so is resting on his forearms- -and closer to the other-

Remus: -starts pumping his hand in a way as if he were meeting the other's thrusts- -slicking him up a little with what's already starting to leak from him- -and again feeling that urge to taste him- -licks his lips- -leans his head up- -to nuzzle their cheeks together as they were before-

James: -rather than respond- -focuses his gaze down on the other- -looking into his face- -there was no question of who he was doing this with- -it was Remus Lupin- -his best mate- -a very male mate- Remmy. -doesn't stop- -if anything- -moves more quickly- -harder-

Remus: -eyes open- -looks up at him at the sound of his name- -feels him start moving faster- -much more intense- -matches his thrusts with harder, faster strokes- -trying to resist the urge to buck his own hips up- -needing contact so badly- -presses his knees tighter against the other's hips- Jamie.. -breathy tone-

James: -shudders- -leans down- -kisses him firmly- -throwing off his movements- -so he doesn't hold onto it for long- -breaking it off- -and back to thrusting with abandon- I'm going to cum. -murmurs breathlessly to him- -not sure why he was telling him- -shuts his eyes again- -focusing on the sensation-

Remus: -kisses him back- -holding onto it until the other draws back- -shudders at his words- -for whatever reason it sends shivers down his spine- -found himself wishing he was naked too- -and that he could beg him to cum inside him- -it was such a foreign thought- -that he can push it away with ease- -and just do what he can to push the other along- -whispers- Cum, Jamie.. -thumbs the head of his cock- -then squeezes him firmly- -pumping him hard-

James: -another smaller shudder- -and his eyes slam shut- -moaning loudly- -until he hits a high note- -as he releases- -and spills over the other's shirt-

Remus: -draws back enough to watch him- -burning the memory of his face in his mind- -wasn't sure what he wanted that memory- -just.. takes it and tucks it away- -moans a little as he feels that hot seed spill onto his shirt-

James: -still thrusting- -though it gradually slows- -until tapering down to nothing- -left panting- ... -and wanting more- -slowly opens his eyes- -and looks down at him again-

Remus: -slowing his hand- -still firm grip- -wanting to milk the other for all he's worth- -feels his eyes on him- -opens his own- -didn't know what the other planned to do next- -if he was going to flee- -or stay and risk it getting awkward really fast- -just continues his much slower pace-

James: -there was that continued stroking again- -it kept his mind hazy- -and drew little sounds from him- -can't think- -not while the hand was still moving- -too caught up in pleasure-

Remus: -slows to a stop eventually- -letting the other control the rest of their actions- -whether he ought to let go or not- -kiss again- -or touch each other more- -if anything at all-

James: -takes a minute or so to compose himself- -before actually focusing on the person below him- -stares at him silently- -pretty sure he cared to lower his eyes- -he'd see something that would freak him out- -more than any of this- -so he keeps them up and on the other's face-

Remus: -looks up at him- -wasn't sure what to do- -or say- -afraid anything he does will ruin it- -make it weird- -searching the other's eyes for answers- -not digging his fingers into him anymore- -just resting his hand on his back-

James: -not really one to run around nude- -not that he was body shy- -but didn't feel the need to cover up just yet- ...why do you touch me? -the question is quiet-

Remus: -not sure if he should utter a cleansing charm or not- -not thinking about that any longer when the other speaks- -wasn't sure how to answer that- -didn't even know the real answer himself- -or just wasn't ready to face it yet- …I.. It feels.. good. -feels his face flush- -knowing it's not from what they just did- It feels good to be close to you, Jamie.

James: -chews on his lip- -feeling torn- It does feel good. -agrees- -a similar conclusion for a different perspective- -it felt incredible- -as would anything that managed to siphon away his pain- -and replace it with bliss even momentarily-

Remus: -feels a bit relieved to hear him say that- -at least they agreed on that- -hadn't been sure what the other felt about it- -because he was so opposed to touching him- -but maybe that would change- -wasn't sure why he hoped for it- -just.. did- -nods a little- Is that why you want me to? -small voice-

James: -lets go of his lip- -not quite liking the way he worded that- -mostly because what it implied about James- ... -but there was so much truth to it- -that he returns the nod- It doesn't hurt when you touch me. -mumbles- -adverting his eyes- -a slight blush painting his cheeks-

Remus: -it didn't imply anything negative as far as he was concerned- -it was just the way it was- -they were both suffering from terrible losses- -and they found each other and a way to temporarily alleviate that pain- -any chance not to hurt was one worth taking- -noted the blushed hue on his cheeks- -it wasn't every day James Potter blushed- -smiles a little- -but keeps it mostly to himself- -nods to him- -and lightly brushes his fingertips against the back of his neck-

James: -slowly lifts his eyes back up- ...this isn't bad. -almost looking for reassurance- -or justification- -although he was mostly speaking to himself- -tries to lower himself a bit more- -to rest his body weight on the other- -trying to get comfortable with this- -most of his thoughts in the realm of gender-

Remus: -nods slowly- It's not .. -knew it wouldn't mean as much coming from him to reassure him- -but still- -needed to hear it too- -and say it- -still surprised by the other's actions, though- -wasn't sure what to do- -when he lowered onto him- -couldn't hide himself- -or push the other away- -just lets him close for now- -afraid of what his reaction will be- -continues to lightly pet the back of his neck- -closes his eyes-

James: -could feel it- -straining up against his clothes- -pressing against- -immediately regrets his decision to lower himself- -pushes himself back up- -and crawls off of him- -but wasn't fleeing- -not yet, at least- ...touch yourself, Remmy. -is his quiet order- -embarrassed- -with his eyes averted-

Remus: -wanted to tell him it was okay- -..not to worry about him- -his arousal would fade- -but it was too late- -the other was already off him- -feels that loss of warmth- -and shivers a bit in response- -eyes widen when the other tells him to touch himself- -lets himself feel the strain- -his own body was still tense with need- -but touching himself in front of James seemed.. - -..cheeks burn pink- Jamie.. I.. -didn't know what to say- -slowly reaches down- -and starts to unfasten his trousers- -reaches in- -and starts to alleviate a little pressure by adding some from his palm and fingers- -exhales the breath he didn't realize he was holding-

James: -more acutely aware of his own nudity- -grabs the towel and tosses it over his lap- -to cover himself- -reasoning that it was somehow less gay if he wasn't naked- -and just listens to the other's movements- -aware of what was happening- -and feeling some of that lingering disgust- -but still not moving-

Remus: -adjusts a little- -trying to free his cock a little better from his trousers- -so he can wrap his palm around it- -ears and cheeks burning- -hadn't stroked himself like this in front of James- -not even with Sirius- -just focuses on trying to relieve the ache from having gone untouched for a while- -other than when they'd grind on each other- -but that was different than this- -eyes close-

James: -feeling tense- -uncomfortable- -and morbidly curious- -can hear the subtle sound of skin on skin- -it requires a lot of effort- -but slowly lifts his eyes- -and freezes as the sight presents itself- -staring at the moving hand-

Remus: -lets his mind drift a little- -his fantasies usually revolved around another- -but couldn't get his mind off of how it felt having James on top of him- -thinking about that again- -chews his bottom lip a little- -thinking about what he'd been doing- -and what he could have been doing had they both been nude and James been more.. bold- -the thought shocks him- -but holds onto it- -stroking himself a little more firmly- -thumbing the head of his cock- -breathing a little faster-

James: -tears his eyes up- -to look at the other's face- -could see hints of the stimulation in his expression- -they drop back down- -and a lot of the lingering disgust is replaced by curiosity- -enough so that he slowly starts to inch closer- -making sure the towel remains over his hips- -his eye still fixed on the other's cock- -knew it was large- -Sirius had made sure James was fully aware of that- -and had seen him nude before- -but it was a bit different when it was hard- -kind of wanted to get a good look- -so he could finally understand what Sirius had been talking about- -but as he gets closer- -his expression grows increasingly flustered-

Remus: -not thinking about how the other might be watching him- -because it would make him far too nervous- -just focusing on the images in his mind- -thought he felt him move closer- -but just keeps touching himself- -eyelids fluttering- -bites down a little harder on his lip-

James: -looks so out of his element- -all the confidence he naturally exuded gone- -replaced with nerves and embarrassment- -his eyes flick back up to his face every so often- -couldn't decide if his expression was freaking him out- -or drawing him in- -his eyes drop down- -it doesn't look as bad as he built up in his mind- -kind of curious what he felt like- -considers doing it long before a quivering hand raises- -and reaches towards the other- -when he touches him- -it's a light brush of his fingertip- -against the head of the other-

Remus: -still stroking himself when he feels a foreign touch to the sensitive head of his cock- -knew it was James- -the reality of the situation piercing through the fantasy- -initial instinct is to open his eyes and look at him- -but doesn't- -afraid if he does anything other than what he'd been doing, it would scare him away- -lips do part a bit though- -and his breathing turns to soft pants-

James: -glances up to his face immediately- -looking for a reaction- -kind of expected to meet his eyes- -is surprised that they remain closed- -focuses down again- -the curiosity making him look uncharacteristically innocent- -brushes his finger against it again- -before tracing the shape of it-

Remus: -slows his strokes a little- -just because the attention to the head of his cock was making him shudder- -and causing him to want to buck his hips and arch into the touch- -so afraid of what his response will do- -cheeks flush redder- -just wants to let his own hand fall away and let the other do what he wants- -which was another reason why he slowed this movements-

James: -ignoring the reactions- -only able to handle one aspect of this at a time- -the idea of pleasuring the other was too much- -not when he was already touching a cock other than his own- -the slowing of the other's hand seems to subconsciously encourage him, though- -because his hands slide down- -and he wraps his hand around the other- -his grip light and almost nonexistent- -strokes him once or twice- -but it was turning him just as red as the other- -so he lets go- -in favor it sliding his hand further into his pants- -and feeling just how long it really was-

Remus: -letting the other do as he wants- -even though somewhere in the back of his mind- -has a feeling it's not going to last- -can't let himself think about that too much though- -still trying to keep his reaction minimal- -draws his own hand away to let the other touch as he wants- -in whatever way he wants-

James: -blinks- -pulls his hand out- -tugs the other's pants down- -popping him out entirely- -and then just stares- -feels a sharp sting of jealousy- -and intimidation-

Remus: -wasn't sure what to make him of tugging his pants down- -and the subsequent lack of touch- -didn't know what to do- -didn't want to open his eyes- -too afraid- -was the other disgusted with what he saw?- -his cock ached from such an abrupt stop of the stimulation- -can't help it- Jamie.. -soft whimper-

James: -snapped out of it a bit- -looking at other again- -the sound of the other's voice disarming him a bit- -his eyes flick between his face and cock a couple of times- -and then he grabs him again- -wrapping his hand around him- -and starts to stroke him-

Remus: -needed this so much- -after feeling so rejected- -sucks in a sharp breath when the other starts to touch him- -and licks his bottom lip- -it was a bit swollen from how hard he'd bitten it before- -whimpers again- -this time a bit more with need-

James: -still felt incredibly uncomfortable- -but was finding that it wasn't much different than stroking himself- -except that it didn't fit in his hand nearly the same way- -but the sounds the other was making- -kept him from stopping- -not putting that much effort into it- -very basic- -up and down motion-

Remus: -wanted more- -of course- -but was afraid to ask for it- -afraid to say what would make him feel really good- -the other was such a flight risk when it came to this- -and understood that- -but didn't want him to stop- -the fact that he was touching him at all was huge- -just lets himself fall into the simple motion- -the simple fact that it was someone else bringing him pleasure was actually enough to start the pull in his belly- -that would bring him closer to reaching his peak-

James: -didn't even really want to be stroking him- -preferred the simple curious touches- -though he knew that when aroused that was nothing but horrible teasing- -but hadn't moved over with the intention of getting the other off- -and that's where he now found himself-

Remus: -reaches down- -massaging his own balls a little- -to give himself a bit more stimulation- -panting a little more- -not sure if he should take over- -or just let the other continue- -thinking too much- -but couldn't help it-

James: -pauses when he sees where the other's hand go- -not sure what to make of it- -if it was just something he liked- -or if he wasn't satisfied by what James was doing- -frowns slightly- -tries to stroke a bit faster- -but really not into it-

Remus: -the faster motions stimulate him more- -didn't know for sure- -but it really did feel like the other was just going through the motions- -which hurt a little- -but couldn't bring himself to stop him- -just wanted release- -focuses on the sensations- -can't suppress a soft moan- -starting to reach that point- -feeling his stomach muscles tighten-

James: -could see the change- -but for some reason it's not striking him what it meant- -just keeps with his quick movements- -does tighten his hand a bit- -just because it was what he naturally did to himself- -his eyes glued to the other's cock-

Remus: -has to bite down on his lip again- -to stifle a moan- -so it just comes out a strained sigh- -the tightened pressure on his cock drawing out the pearly white prerelease- -lets go of his balls- -just focusing on the stroking now-

James: -his brows lift- -somehow surprised- -for a brief moment- -his hand quickens even more- -and he draws more of it out of him- -but as it beads up and starts to drip down- -the disgust is back in full force- -lets go of him abruptly and moves back-

Remus: -nearing his peak- -so close- -feeling himself already leaking a bit- -thanks to the other's quickened, tighter strokes- -having to keep himself from actually bucking his hips- -focusing on that- -until there's a sudden absence of stimulation- -and it doesn't return- -didn't even feel the other near him anymore- -winces due to a painful throb from his cock- -eyes open slowly- -but doesn't even want to look- -knew what this was- -had felt it before- -more than once- -overwhelming sense of humiliation starts to spread through him- -what had he done wrong this time?- -feeling disgusted with himself- -looks down at his lap- -then away- -in the opposite direction of where the other was sitting- -ashamed-

James: -could tell the other felt awful- -but doesn't allow himself guilt- -forcing it away- -by letting his revulsion flow in- -pushes himself up- -and flees the room- -going back to the bathroom- -was just going to pull on his dirty clothes- -does so quickly-

Remus: -squeezes his eyes shut- -because he really wants to burst into tears- -it hurt so, so much- -trying so hard to be understanding- -that this had to be difficult for the other to handle- -didn't even know what this was- -but couldn't help the feelings of self-doubt- -the other was so repulsed- -to make matters worse- -had wanted to run to the bathroom himself- -to shower and try to wash away all this shame- -but was just left to sit there- -suddenly more aware of how sticky his shirt still was- -which just made him think more about what they'd done- -shoves his painful erection back into his trousers- -zipping himself up- -at least the pain down there was something to counteract the pain in his heart-

James: -as soon as his clothes are on- -doesn't bother with anything else- -running a brush through his hair wouldn't make a difference- -could probably afford to brush his teeth or put on deodorant- -forgoes both of these steps- -just striding out of the bathroom- -ignoring his bedroom door- -it seemed windy outside- -so he grabs his jacket- -but doesn't even pause to put it on- -walking out the front door- -and setting out down the street- -the opposite direction from the cemetery-

Remus: -can hear him moving- -actually hears him leave the house- -not terribly surprised- -but it just further shows him how repulsed he must have been- -shoves himself up- -and moves to the bathroom- -can feel a horrible strain in his groin- -turns on the water- -sheds his clothing and steps in- -ice cold- -and it hurts so fucking much- -actually does groan from the pain- -until he can't stand it- -slides down the wall onto the floor of the tub- -hugging himself- -what had he done wrong?- -knew the other was struggling- -knew he had to be patient- -but for what?- -what was he hoping would come from this?- -his heart ached- -what was left of it- -it was so broken- -hugs himself tighter- -can feel himself starting to cry- -digs his fingers deep into his skin- -actually raking his nails into himself- -felt a connection with the wolf inside him- -when it would claw itself- -because it couldn't express what it needed to- -took it out on its body- -pained cry- -it was getting too hard to hold everything in-

James: -didn't know where he was going at first- -but found that he didn't really have to- -his feet knew where to go- -so when he's looking up at the familiar bar- -doesn't think long about stepping inside- -and taking a spot at the counter- -didn't even order a drink- -opting instead to take a bottle- -and once the bartender saw who he was- -there wasn't much protest about going against that regulation- -so for the next hour or so- -wound up nursing that bottle- -letting his thoughts slowly descend into the waters of numbness- -wound up striking a conversation with the person next to him- -at least he considered it a conversation- -they seemed thoroughly annoyed that he wouldn't shut up- -even more so when they attempted to move and he followed them to a new stool- I just don' know ya'know? -was slurring- I feel like 'm being selfish, but 'm not queer so wudda'm I s'posed to do?

Person: -frown- Look, I don't really care what you do... -trails off-

James: James.

Person: James. -repeats- Maybe you should put the bottle down and go home, huh?

James: I can't. -protests- -his voice almost a whine- He's there! Haven't you been listening?

Remus: -lets the cold water beat against him until he's gone numb- -past the point of shivering- -eventually turns off the water- -pulls a towel around his waist- -steps out- -can see red streaks across his ribs and sides- -knows they won't scar- -barely broke the skin in a few places- -dries off the rest of the way- -goes to the guest room- -changes into pajamas- -sinks into the bed- -hiding beneath the blankets- -ice cold- -curls up into a ball-

James: -it isn't until the bar is about to close- -and he's scared off a couple patrons- -that the bartender finally approaches him- -and tells him that he needs to clear up- -vague nod- -pushing the nearly empty bottle towards him- Here you go. -mumbles- -sliding off the stool-

Bartender: -waits expectantly a couple of seconds- -watching him struggle to maintain his balance- -and then rolls his eyes- You still need to pay me.

James: Oh. -starts to feel for his coin pouch- -then realizes he doesn't have it- -giggles- I left it at home.

Bartender: Sorry?

James: Money. -still giggling- -finding this extremely amusing for some reason-

Bartender: -expression sets- Piece of shit. -walks around the bar towards him- -grabs the scruff of his shirt- -and shoves him over to the door- -ignoring the way he kept stumbling from the quick steps- -and his angry protests- -opens the door- -and throws him out the front- -watching with contempt as he tumbles to the concrete- Don't let me see your face in here again.

James: -skinned his palms and his cheek against the pavement- -a bit stunned to find himself on the ground- -his only reaction is an extremely pathetic:- Ow. -struggles to push himself up- -so he's kneeling on the ground- -everything was blurry- -his glasses had fallen off- -couldn't see them anywhere- -lifts a hand up to his eyes and sees the light scrapes that were tinted red and stung mutedly-

Remus: -can't seem to warm up- -the cold had made all of his joints terribly stiff- -lays there for a very long time- -unmoving- -just staring at the wall- -seriously considering leaving- -the other said he didn't want him to- -but felt like staying was doing more harm than good for both of them- -the other was so repulsed by him he fled from the house- -squeezes his eyes shut at the thought- -curls up tighter-

James: -spends a long time on all fours- -searching for his glasses- -manages to finally feel them out- -and slide them back up- -though it only improved the blur a little bit- -manages to make it back to his feet by clinging to the wall- -and starts to walk along- -using buildings and poles for supports as he went- -definitely drank far, far more than he should have- -so much so that by the time he's half way home- -ends up puking his guts out on the street- -and by then- -is so tired- -that he stumbles over to a concrete staircase that lead up to some apartments- -and lays against it- -almost unaware of the awful taste in his mouth- Jus' a nap.. -mumbles to himself-

Remus: -almost would've preferred the pain- -numbness was miserable- -just felt so empty- -nothingness- -at least pain was something- -digs his fingernails into his palms- -seeking out some sort of sensation- -makes him feel rather pathetic- -but it was something-


	10. Chapter 10

James: -woken early in the morning- -not by the sun- -because it had barely begun to peak over the horizon- -instead by a cat that was sitting a couple of steps above him and smelling at his face- -tickling his cheek- -the first thing he grows aware of is a foul taste in his mouth- -the second is a pounding headache that felt like his skull was going to split apart- -and the final thing is that he is sore all over from sleeping in an awkward position on a hard surface- ...fuck. -groans hoarsely- -lifts up his head and attempts to open his eyes- -but he just winces- -had no idea where he was- -struggling to remember what happened- -recognized the hangover- -just didn't know why he was outside of some apartments- -several blocks from his house- ... -slowly pushes himself up- -barely felt like functioning- -much less walking home- -but knew he had to get there- -and what should have been a twenty minute walk- -wound up taking forty- -but makes it there- -leaving the door wide open- -as he walks to the downstairs washroom- -determined to clean out his mouth-

Remus: -can't even be sure if he fell asleep- -likely dozed in and out of consciousness all night- -never did hear James come in- -not until at some point he thought was morning- -wasn't sure of the time- -didn't matter- -the other was home- -which meant he was safe-

James: -goes to the sink- -and starts to rinse it out- -over and over- -aware of the stinging in his palms as he fills them with water- -until the taste isn't so strong- -then turns off the sink- -takes a few steps from the wall- -sinks down- -and decides the floor sounded awfully nice- -and it was pleasantly cool- -just lays there-

Remus: -something in him tells him it's okay to sleep now- -knowing James was safe- -tiredness looming over him- -succumbs- -closing his eyes-

James: -spends the next couple of hours in here- -falling in and out of consciousness- -until he finally wakes for good- -still felt like shit- -but better than he had before- -ends up dragging himself to the kitchen- -but instead of fixing anything- -just starts to eat anything he can get his hands on-

Remus: -sleeps a long while- -emotionally exhausted- -awakens later- -feeling sore and stuff from being in such a tight, curled up position- -trudges to the bathroom to brush his teeth- -still having a bit of a chill-

James: -finding this isn't the best idea- -his stomach still sensitive from the night before- -but it doesn't really stop him- -grazing- -little bits of everything that didn't have to be prepared- -until he's just leaning against the counter- -drinking milk- -straight out of the container-

Remus: -finishes brushing his teeth- -looks at himself in the mirror- -but quickly looks back down- -didn't like seeing his reflection- -quickly starts to wash his face- -but it just makes him feel colder- -shuts the water off- -doesn't know what to do- -doesn't know if he should go to him- -or stay away- -leans over the sink- -just trying to clear his head-

James: -could hear movement upstairs- -but it takes a while to realize he was actually listening for it- ... -looks at the carton in his hand- -and feels a bit sick- -puts it away in the fridge- -trying to distract himself again- -like he always did when he didn't want to think- -but this time instead of revolving around what he's lost- -it was revolving about what he'd gained- -and how much it freaked him out-

Remus: -just.. at a loss- -no matter what he did, there was the possibility of pain- -staying away from James just made him worry- -and it felt wrong- -but going to him ran the risk of everything getting messed up again- -found himself.. missing him..- -it was normal for friends to miss each other- -but this was different- -sighs softly- -leans up from the sink and turns around- -leaning back against it-

James: -aware of the sudden lack of sound- -and it makes him pause again- -his effort to focus elsewhere abruptly made moot- -wondering what the other was doing- -could recall how upset he'd look- -and memory brings the guilt he hated so much- -slowly steps out towards the staircase- -looking up the steps to the second floor- -listening harder-

Remus: -rakes a hand through his hair- -still didn't know what to do- -walks from the bathroom- -slowly back to the room that he was borrowing- -didn't see the other at the bottom of the stairs- -focusing on what was in front of him- -thinking of writing a letter to Dumbledore about the Order's status- -could walk down to the post office later to send it- -but instead of writing it now- -just sits back down on the bed- -and hugs his knees to his chest-

James: -heard him move- -slowly starts up the stairs- -not sure why- -but was keeping his steps quiet- -until he reaches the top- -still trying to figure out what he was doing- -without getting too close- -despite the fact that he was taking slow steps towards the door-

Remus: -finding it hard to sit in one position for too long- -his joints still a bit stiff from the way he slept- -turns toward the window- -lowering his knees- -drops his hands into his lap- -vaguely hears movement- -but after what happened the night before doesn't imagine the other coming anywhere near him-

James: -stops just outside it- -it was silent in the room- -wondering if maybe he'd gotten his hand on a book- -or if he was taking a nap- -not sure why he cared- -just stands awkwardly near the door- -basically spying on him- -without looking in-

Remus: -hears the motion outside his room stop- -immediately tenses- -afraid of what's on the other side of the door- -feeling his heart start to pound so loudly it's echoing in his ears- -shuts his eyes- -trying to drown out the sound-

James: -after a few moments- -starts to feel like an idiot- -just standing there- -waiting for nothing- -decides he should move away- -thinks maybe he could just start towards the bathroom- -could use a headache potion anyways- -pretend he'd just been passing by all along- -but had a feeling it'd be obvious he didn't just come up the stairs- -would feel like an idiot going back down quietly to come back up more noisily- -feeling kind of stuck-

Remus: -swallows- -trying to find some semblance of bravery- -if he was going to stay here they couldn't stay like this- -this silence was killing him- Jamie.. -quiet, but with the other so near he figured he could hear- Are you all right?

James: -tenses- -and feels a rush of embarrassment at being caught- -turns a bit red- -seemed the other wasn't the only one blushing anymore- -almost wants to stay still- -pretend he wasn't there- -but that's far too cowardly- -so he peels himself off the wall- -and steps into the doorway- -trying to be as casual as possible- Yeah, sorry. -trying to think up an excuse- -no time to- -just blurts out the first thing that came to mind- Bug on the wall. -blinks- -that was possibly the dumbest thing he'd ever said- -did much better when fibbing to Filch in the past- Was going to squish it. -continues feebly-

Remus: -had the exact same thought- -that was probably the dumbest excuse he'd heard since they were eleven years old- -it almost makes him laugh- -raises a skeptical eyebrow- -then smiles- Did it have hundreds of legs? You know those make me jumpy.

James: -latches onto the other's words- -so he didn't have to admit he was a moron- -or admit what he'd really been doing- Hundred and one, actually. -replies matter-of-factly- I counted.

Remus: -scrunches his nose- -just thinking about it actually did make him squirm a bit- Hopefully we'll find it before it makes a home somewhere in my things. -shudders- -even though he knows there's no bug out there-

James: Would've if you didn't distract me and let it get away. -takes a step into the room- -so he wasn't practically outside it-

Remus: -actually blushes a bit- -doesn't know why- -just.. feels his cheeks and ears burn- Sorry.. -still smiling a little- Didn't know there was a wildlife expedition going on just outside the door.

James: -grins- -it almost felt strange- -because he hadn't even smiled lately- -but it was also because the movement strained the light scabbing on his cheek- How else am I supposed to catch dinner? -questions-

Remus: -smile pulls into a grin- Dinner..? I also wasn't aware that one-hundred-one legged insects were a delicacy. -turning more toward him- -a bit more inviting of a position than he'd been in before-

James: They are in Africa or something. -waves it off- -hazards a few more steps in- -closer to the bed- -but still keeping a buffer zone between them-

Remus: -nods- Oh, so we're African now. I reckon I'd best brush up on my African culture, then. -eyes follow him as he moves closer- -wide with a bit of innocence- -almost puppyish-

James: -meeting his gaze- -and feels a pull of...something- -something that made him want to close the distance- -and be next to him- You mean you don't already know everything about it already? Slacking, Moony.

Remus: -watching him- -feeling that same pull- -continues the banter- -staying where he is- -despite wanting to move closer to the edge of the bed- Seems that way, doesn't it? Need to get back to the books. Can't believe I've fallen behind in my knowledge of popular African cuisine.

James: -chuckles- Plus you need to know how to cook it once I catch it. -inches a little closer- -torn- -because being close reminded him of just how close they've been already- -but the proximity was desired-

Remus: -lifts an eyebrow- -eyes growing a bit wider in wonder- How big was it? Enough for both of us to have our fill? You know how much I eat. -absently playing a bit with a loose thread on his sleeve-

James: I'm brilliant at tracking. -brags- If there's one, I'm sure I could find others. -finally just closes the distance- -at least enough to sit on the bed-

Remus: -the idea of there being more than one of those bugs makes him shudder again- -pulling a bit harder on the thread- Oh, Jamie. -scrunches his face- Could you imagine all of those things in a frying pan?

James: -could tell it disgusted the other- -so runs with it- I know, right? -leans back on a hand- Delicious. Getting hungry just thinking about it.

Remus: -makes another face- -turning in more toward him- Can't even imagine the scent that would fill the air. -caught somewhere between laughing and gagging-

James: -can't help but smile- -feeling more light-hearted now than he had in a long time- Just add a lot of butter-that improves everything.

Remus: -lights up a little when he sees the smile- -it makes him feel less tense- -and more like things would be okay- -despite how horrible they'd just been- Buttered and battered centipedes. Surely there's an African cook book out there with a recipe.

James: I'll take you to the library so you can find it. -straightens up a little- -to pull a leg onto the bed- -still felt crappy- -was still hung-over- -and could use a good tooth brushing- -but at least he could function now-

Remus: -feeling better- -more assured- -briefly wonders if they really could go to a library- -finally pulls out the loose thread- -drops it on the bed- I'll be sure to tell the librarian exactly what we want.

James: Might as well invite her to dinner if you're going to do that. -looks him over a bit- I'm sure she'd love that. -starts to grin as a thought occurs to him- Could be a nice date for you. -teases-

Remus: -even more of a skeptical look than when the other first made the excuse- Somehow I'm not sure talking about multi-legged creatures would be such a great ice breaker.

James: -shrugs- She could be adventurous. You know those librarian types-they're really wild deep down. -snickers-

Remus: -blushes a bit- -because that was a bit close to home- Are they? -passes a hand through his hair- -knew his cheeks had to be red-

James: -his brows raise a little- -and replies before he can think about it- Are they? -poses the question back to him- -it being far more suggestive then he would have allowed- -if he'd considered his words-

Remus: -knew that he was- -the other probably had an idea that he did from what he'd seen- -nibbles his bottom lip- -still feeling the heat on his face- -with the question thrown back at him- -understood what he meant- I.. suppose everyone can be.

James: -regrets the question- -and so doesn't push the banter further- S'pose. -feeling a bit awkward again- -wondering why things had gotten to this point between them- -how any of this had happened-

Remus: -could tell the other's mood had changed- -feels responsible- -but couldn't help it- -looks down at his lap a moment- -didn't know how to fix what had gone so wrong- -couldn't make himself less repulsive to him just being who he was-

James: -didn't like the way this felt- -the other was the only thing he had left- -and it felt like this space was being forced between them- I don't like this. -admits quietly- -opening up to the other- -in a way he didn't often-

Remus: -looks over at him when he speaks- -quiet- -taking a beat to try to think of a solution- -smart as he was- -it just wasn't happening- -didn't know what he wanted- -sure as hell didn't know what the other wanted from this- -from him- -every time he thought he was starting to know, things just went wrong- I don't either. -tiny voice- I'm.. sorry.

James: -doesn't reply at first- -quiet- -but that seems to fill the room with tension- It's confusing. -his voice is even softer- -almost to avoid being heard-

Remus: -could suddenly hear his heart pounding in his ears again- -it was a wonder he could even hear the other speaking- -didn't like to push or pry- -but needed specifics- -then he'd know if it could be fixed- W-Which.. part..?

James: -shifts uncomfortably- All of it. -there was so much- -wasn't sure he could bring himself to detail every aspect-

Remus: -just nods- -thinking on it- -if they could work through the confusion- -maybe it wouldn't be so bad- -slowly reaches over- -and places one of his hands on top of the other's- Does this confuse you? -soft voice- -looking at him wide-eyed with genuine wonder-

James: -hated how lost he felt- -couldn't even fool himself into believing he was confident about this- -tenses a little- -the subject of their conversation making the contact harder to stomach- -glances down at the hand- -and realizes his heart has picked up- ...a little. -lifts his gaze back up to the other's-

Remus: -keeps his hand there- -not sure he's brave enough to continue the conversation- -but has to push through his fear of the other fleeing- -that was why he never said all the things he needed to to Sirius- -couldn't do that again- Because I'm Remus, or being I'm a bloke like you? -holds his hand- -closing his grip around it-

James: -takes a few deep breaths- -to keep himself calm- -relaxed would be asking for too much- -can't bring himself to return the grip- -even though it felt rather nice- Bloke. -whispers-

Remus: -keeps his hand there- -to be a constant presence of support- -telling himself that was the better answer- You feel confused because you're.. touching a bloke and it feels bad..? Or it feels.. good?

James: -so painfully uncomfortable- -liking this conversation less and less- -didn't know the answer to that- -hadn't really developed an opinion either way- -just that it felt wrong- I dunno, I'm not gay. -clearly defensive-

Remus: -holds his hand more firmly- I know you're not. -he'd told him before- -and accepted it then- -still did now- I'm not gay either, Jamie.

James: -blinks- Yes you are. -it leaves his mouth without even a beat between them-

Remus: -tilts his head- No, I'm not. -had only ever been with Sirius- -but it wasn't because he was a male- -that was just who he fell in love with- I don't identify myself that way. -wasn't.. exactly sure what he could classify himself as- -being a werewolf- -didn't really focus on that anyway- -it was just instinctive- It's just.. instinctive, who I feel myself drawn to.

James: -doesn't understand- -was drawn to males clearly- -didn't that mean he was gay?- -but then something else occurs to him- ...who you're drawn to? -that meant the other was drawn to him, right?- -what did that mean about them?-

Remus: -that was the question he was hoping to avoid- -because he didn't know how to answer it properly- -was so used to having to internalize his feelings because of the way Sirius functioned- -it wasn't easy being upfront and honest- ..It's confusing.

James: -wasn't sure if that was all encompassing- -or just him- -but knew one thing- -Remus had never been drawn to him before- -the only reason they'd come together at all was because of a tragedy- -his expression falls into unreadable-

Remus: -still felt like his heart was pounding in his ears- -looks down again- -nearly losing his nerve- -but trying to be brave- I'm not used to being able to say what I feel. I'm sorry. -shuts his eyes a moment- -that realization was almost enough to pierce through the shield he'd put up around his emotions- I'm afraid you'll leave if I do.

James: -focuses- -and frowns- ...I'm not going to leave, Remus. -but then realizes that he has- -several times now- -but never stayed gone- -just needed the space sometimes- I just...get overwhelmed. -again- -his voice is quiet- -as if trying to get away without being heard-

Remus: -supposed it was a little traumatic every time he left- -a reminder of what happened whenever he was honest with Sirius- -but James wasn't Sirius- -didn't want to compare them- -ever- -why should he anyway?- -it wasn't as though they..- -well- -that was what was confusing- I understand that you do. And that's.. okay.. I get overwhelmed too. I'm overwhelmed now. Aren't you?

James: -small nod- -avoiding his gaze- -for exactly that reason- Should we stop then? -mean stop being close- -stop the touching- -the cuddling- -anything that made him want more-

Remus: -the thought of losing all of the good that came from their feelings for each other was a bit devastating- -didn't want to think about that- -it had been the one ray of light in all the darkness that had been surrounding him for so long- I.. I understand if you do.. but I.. I don't want to. -still holding his hand-

James: -bites his lip- -starting to chew on it- When it's happening, I don't want it to stop. -divulges reluctantly- -it made him feel better than anything else- -the problem came when he thought about it too much- -or was required to act himself-

Remus: -actually a bit relieved by that- -because it meant there was a chance that it wouldn't stop- What makes you want to stop? -knew he probably didn't want to talk about it- -but felt like they had to- Because I'm a bloke?

James: -feels his face heating- -really didn't want to have this conversation- -it was making him feel so awkward- -and out of place- -only manages a faint nod-

Remus: -nods in return- -couldn't change that about himself- -didn't know if the other would ever be able to get past that- -felt that it was possible that he already was past it but he was afraid of what that meant- -just didn't want to say that out loud- -the other needed to reach conclusions about himself without influence- It's okay. -soft- I don't blame you for that. I'd rather you be honest about it than do something you're not ready to do or don't want to do. Just.. if we do.. keep doing this.. Could you just.. tell me when it's too much? You don't have to leave unless you really want to.

James: -feels a sting of shame- -could tell from the other's request- -that it had really bothered him- -if it hadn't already been obvious enough- -guilty nod- -staring down at his lap-

Remus: -lifts his other hand- -trying to be brave- -lightly runs the fingers of his free hand through the other's hair- -not disturbing it from its usual disarray- -leans a little closer- -so he can gently embrace him with one arm- -still keeping hold of his hand- Thank you for talking to me, Jamie. -whispers-

James: -his response isn't verbal- -but the other's touch didn't feel so bad now- -and is finally able to relax- -and rest is cheek against the other's shoulder-

Remus: -the response given is enough for him- -that simple gesture tells him what they're doing is okay- -and that he doesn't need to draw back- -nestles his cheek against the side of the other's head- -lightly nuzzling him- -shuts his eyes-

James: -is comfortable- -and doesn't want to move- -but his headache was really becoming an issue- -the new silence emphasizing the pounding- ...if I go brush my teeth...will you be mad?

Remus: -blinks- -drawing back a little to look at him- No, of course not. -lets his arm slide slowly down his side until he's released him- -gives his hand a gentle squeeze- -and smiles-

James: -meets his gaze- -if he hadn't puked his guts out- -and his mouth didn't probably still faintly taste of it- -might have kissed them then- -as it were- -just returns the squeeze with a lighter one- -and then stands up- -to go to the bathroom-

Remus: -watches him go- -stays where he is- -feeling a little better about things- -nothing was quite resolved- -but at least it had been brought up- -feelings were made somewhat clear- -finally had been able to be honest- -and it wasn't met with anything detrimental-

James: -digs through the medicine cabinet- -finding a headache curative- -and taking a considerable dosage- -starts to clean himself up a bit- -looked a bit scruffy from the previous night- -so after thoroughly scrubbing his teeth- -to the point that his gums bled- -takes care of his skinned cheek with some healing paste- -and rids himself of the vagabond look- -can't really remember much about last night- -it was a blur- -didn't regret it though- -his circumstances for going was less than favorable- -but was growing more accepting about using alcohol as a means of comfort-

Remus: -while the other was cleaning himself up- -examines his arm- -it was mostly healed by now- -save for the marks- -they were ghastly- -frowns- -throws the bandages in the waste bin- -yanks down his sleeve- -out of sight, out of mind- -sits back down- -waits-

James: -finishes up- -looks a bit better- -could stand to change his clothes- -so goes to his room to do that- -but only takes a few steps in when he sees the trashcan in the middle of the room- -filled to the top with Lily's things- ... -slowly moves closer to it- -and could see so many important things tossed carelessly inside- -chest tightens a bit- -regretting his grief-stricken actions- -but does stop to wonder if maybe he should leave them- -throw them away- -but can't bring himself to do it- -not when he sees a necklace that Lily's mom had given her laying tangled in the heap- -starts to pull things out- -dropping them on the bed- -would put it back later- -for now- -was sparing them- -ends up only leaving the disposable items- -basically everything he'd taken out of the bathroom- -can't bring himself to do anything further- -not now- -so he changes his clothes- -and seeks out Remus again-

Remus: -waiting- -wasn't sure if he intended to come back or not- -thought he might- -but figures he doesn't have anything else to do anyway- -really needed to see about getting some of his books back-

James: -walks back into the room- -and see that he hasn't moved- -sits back down on the bed- -with a small space between them- -not sure what to say- -just wanted to be near him- -their days were pretty unproductive-

Remus: -glad to see him back- -his happiness was not dependant on whether or not they were touching- -just content to be close to him- Hey. -soft- -smiling as he returns-

James: Hey. -still felt a bit awkward- -everything they'd talked about- -not sure what they established- -or if he was okay with any of it- -but decides not to think about that right now- ...when are you going shoe shopping? -just trying to make conversation-

Remus: -hadn't even thought about the shoes- -or the galleons he was going to have to earn back- -shrugs lightly- I'm not sure. The interview I have to go to is on Friday, so sometime before then. -resisting the urge to hold his hand- -and lean into him- -just sits there- -didn't know what was appropriate and what wasn't- I was thinking about writing to Dumbledore...

James: -a little surprised- I didn't know you had an interview already. -wasn't sure when he'd found time to plan one- -or if this was something he'd planned a while ago- -had a few questions about it- -but distracted from them by his next statement- Why?

Remus: -shrugs a little- Because I'm tired of waiting to hear from him. He hasn't told us anything and I want to know what his plans are. I'm sure he'll reply with some sort of witticism about patience, but we're past that now.

James: -slight frown- -nods in agreement- I wonder what the others are thinking. -had been a long time since he'd seen them- -they'd all given him space- -when it was clear he wanted nothing to do with them- -they were busy anyways- -it seemed many had kids recently- -Alice had given birth to her first child- -they both had been a part of that group- -the parents of the Order- -but now he'd been violently shoved out of it- -and their sympathies hurt him- -because he knew that beneath it was relief that it hadn't been them-

Remus: -shrugs- -didn't know if they'd kept going with missions or nothing all together- -Dumbledore could've been avoiding using them for missions after what happened- -that was fine- -just needed answers- I just want to know what's going on.

James: Me too. -nods- You should write that letter. -it would be better than anything he could come up with-

Remus: -nods- I'll do that today. -having something to do that was a big productive and might gather them some answers made him feel a bit better-

James: -returns the nod- -and falls back into silence- -unsure what else to say- -or do- -it felt a bit awkward- -wanting to be with him- -but not knowing how to be with him-

Remus: -glances over at him- -wanting the same thing- -just not wanting to push it on him- -slowly reaches over- -and lightly brushes his fingertips against the other's arm-

James: -shivers- -looking down at the hand- -and then back to his face- -scoots a little closer- -his eyes flickering all over the other's features-

Remus: -waiting for his reaction- -seeing it wasn't negative- -does it again- -gently rubbing his arm- -shifts a little closer as well-

James: -his heart was picking up- -a reaction that was becoming so common- -and so easy for the other to engender- -which only confused him further- ...I brushed my teeth. -mentions- -a seemly random comment- -that he hadn't really even thought to say- -but implying an underlying want-

Remus: -wasn't stupid- -even if he was a little naive when it came to things of that nature- -inches closer- Well, then. -leans in- -lightly brushes their cheeks together- -kisses him there- -then his jaw- -pauses- -just to make sure he was still all right-

James: -his breathing follows his heart's example- -his lips part slightly- -to let the air pass between them- -did not like this sudden yearning- -but can't help but give into it- -turning his face slightly- -to bring his lips close to the other's-

Remus: -shifts as he turns- -to brush their lips together- -just a breath away- -lifts a hand- -running his fingers up along the other's cheek- -up into his hair- -brushes their lips again-

James: -almost can't do it- -but the touch is so comforting- -and the lips so inviting- -that he pushes his lips to the other's- -and kisses him softly- -his hands are curled into fists in his lap-

Remus: -following his lead- -letting him set the tone- -not wanting to push the boundaries being set- -just wanting to coax him into relaxing- -in the hopes that he might get more comfortable with it- -places his free hand over one of the other's balled fists- -and softly kneads their lips together in a tender kiss-

James: -keeps his eyes shut- -barely participating in the kiss- -but doing enough that it continues- -could feel the hand on his- -and he tries to relax it- -but the conscious effort distracts him from just falling completely into the kiss-

Remus: -just keeps his hand there- -doesn't try to hold it- -just a presence- -continues to lightly kiss him- -leaning into him just a little more-

James: -feels the lean- -and there's that pull again- -to have the other closer- -to have their bodies pressed together- -to feel the warmth and pressure of companionship- -his kisses grow a bit more firm-

Remus: -feeling that same pull- -wanting so much to slide into his lap- -but afraid if he's to forward the other will flee- -or grow uncomfortable- -just presses against his chest- -soft sound behind their kiss-

James: -finally lifts a hand up- -the uncovered one- -and grabs a handful of the other's shirt- -and just holds onto it- -the same tight fist- -but completely different in meaning-

Remus: -feels the grip on his shirt- -a rush of warmth spreading through him- -just wanting so badly to be close to the other- -if nothing else then just for the comfort- -moves closer to him- -the hand in his hair tightens- -does move into his lap- -kissing him a little deeper-

James: -feels the weight- -and that relaxes him more than anything- -coaxed further into the kiss- -pushing it even deeper than the other- -slides his arm around the other- -and keeps him pulled in close-

Remus: -melts into the kiss- -wanting it so badly- -the closeness- -the warmth- -the need was stronger- -wanting so badly to be close to him- -in every way- -strokes the back of his neck- -curling his fingers into the base of his hairline-

James: -breaks off the kiss- -a bit overwhelmed- -but this time it wasn't by the fact that the other was male- -though that was always in the back of his mind- -it was that kissing him felt so good- -wanted to believe it was just the lips of another- -and it's not hard to convince himself of this- -whether it was true or not- Remus. -gasps the name- -tightens his arm around him- -letting his head drop back ever so slightly- -to just savor everything else between them-

Remus: -shudders at the sound of his name- -the way it sounded falling off the other's lips causing that pull within to strengthen- -leans forward as the other tips his head back- -laying his cheek on his shoulder- -just holding onto him- -wanting to be close-

James: -pulls in a deep breath- -but his entire body felt like it was wired- -slides his other arm around him as well- -and holds the other against him- -some of his paternal nature coming out- -creating a safe zone for the other in his lap-

Remus: -savors the warmth- -and the strong frame the other provides- -it felt so nice just to be held- -places a soft kiss on his shoulder- -and nuzzles his face into his neck-

James: -feeling so much warmer now- -enough that he randomly chuckles- Didn't know you were so affectionate. -comments-

Remus: -smiles against his warm skin- -blushing- -glad he could hide his face- -though the other probably knew he was- I didn't either. -not like this, anyway- -wasn't often the one being held- -it was relaxing-

James: -gives the other's back a few pets- -letting a couple of minutes pass- -just letting himself feel this- -before coming to a conclusion- This is okay. -mean going this far- -if he had to catalogue what made him uncomfortable and was alright-

Remus: -smile grows a bit wider- -glad to hear that this was okay- -because he really liked it- -a lot- -just rest comfortably- -sighs softly- It feels good. -cuddles him a little closer-

James: -nods- Don't normally get this close with my friends though. -not sure why he was saying this- -perhaps it was the part of him that was questioning what this was- -and what it meant-

Remus: -it.. made him feel a little strange for him to hear him say that- -wasn't sure why- -just.. it felt like they were more than friends- -but didn't know how to define it- -didn't think he should try to- -just.. nods against his neck- That's all right. It's new for us both.

James: -kind of what he needed to hear- -pulls back a little- -taking the other's hiding spot away from him- -to look him in the face-

Remus: -blushes a bit when the other draws back- -suddenly has no place to hide his face- -looks down just a moment- -before lifting his wide eyes to look at him-

James: -his eyes flick between the others- -knew the other so well- -thought so, at least- -lifts a hand up- -and brushes his thumb along the other's jawline- -confusion again-

Remus: -wasn't expecting the affectionate brush of the other's thumb- -ears burn a little pinker- -watching the other's eyes- -slowly stroking his back with one hand-

James: -did wish there were more answers- -but didn't want to ask the questions anymore- -had already said so much- Remmy, tell me a story. -requests quietly- -settles his hand at the back of the other's neck-

Remus: -tilts his head a little- -smiling- What kind of story? -didn't know if the other wanted a fairy tale- -or some other sort of story- -leans in to lightly brush his lips against the other's forehead-

James: -chews on his lip briefly- -thinking- ...a happy story.

Remus: -nods- -starts to tell him one of the happier fables from Tales of Beedle the Bard book- -all the while speaking, lightly stroking his back and the back of his neck and hair-

James: -recognized the story immediately- -already knew how it was going to end- -it was a good choice- -listens to it- -letting the words and touch comfort him- -barely resisting the urge to fall into the other-

Remus: -knew the other would know the story- -but figures the familiarity would be good- -speaking softly and with as much comfort to his tone as he can- -tracing slow patterns along the expanse of his back- -until he reaches the base of his scalp- -starts to massage the back of his head with his fingertips-

James: -his eyes flutter shut- -and he starts to lose focus on the story- -falling into this painless zone- -which is incredible even briefly- -without something as intense as pleasure to get him there- -finally gives in- -leaning into the other-

Remus: -it was a little different giving each other this sort of comfort and tenderness while not pleasuring each other sexually- -it was soothing- -affectionate- -and it made him feel.. good.- -almost felt guilty for it- -was it wrong for him to indulge in such happiness?- -was it a betrayal?- -though those thoughts sprang up in his mind- -couldn't focus on them- -not when the other started to lean against him- -entirely consumed by James- -breathes in his scent- -and secures an arm around him- -suddenly holding him rather than the other way around- -despite still being in his lap- -kisses his temple-

James: -tucks his face in the other's neck- -completely the switch of their positions- -having similar thoughts- -but not of guilt- -of desire- We can be happy, can't we? -didn't necessarily mean together- -just wanted to know that it was possible- -to move on- -to pick up the pieces- -and stop mourning-

Remus: -kisses the side of his head again- -still stroking his back with one hand- -the other arm tightly around him- -closes his eyes- -resting their a moment- -until the other speaks- -eyes partially open- -not looking at anything in particular- Yes. -though he'd just had a moment of pushing away thoughts of guilt- -truly believed that- -at least, for the other- -he deserved to be happy- -believed that- -the others would have wanted it that way- I think we can.

James: I'm glad I'm not alone. -his voice is so soft- -barely can hear it himself- -but it's a bit of a realization to him- -one that had been hinted at- -but he never fully acknowledged until now-

Remus: -it felt so good to hear him say that- -after how many times he'd questioned whether or not he should leave- -knowing the other wanted him there- -that he was glad to not be alone- -it made everything worth it- it justified his presence- Me too, Jamie. -didn't want to think about where he'd be if he was still alone- -living in the shack had been miserable-

James: -doesn't acknowledge the reply- -or say anything further- -letting himself stay relaxed- -leaning into the other- -enough so that he actually feels sleep at the corner of his mind- -his night on the concrete stairs having done him no favors-

Remus: -falls comfortably into the quiet- -not feeling awkward about the silence at all at this point- -it was soothing- -could relax- -just snuggles against him- -eyes close again- -settling into him-

James: -feeling the urge to lay- -but didn't want to move- -there was enough balance between them- -that when the minutes pass in silence- -and he really does begin to fall away- -is able to stay up against him- -his body turning gradually more limp-

Remus: -can feel him starting to go limp against him- -was getting sleepy himself- -trying to stay coherent enough to get them comfortable- -nuzzles him gently- -then slowly starts to ease him down onto his back- -gently removes his glasses- -sets them aside- -lowers himself- -slipping off of him- -but curling right up against his side-

James: -the movement jostles him enough- -that it pulls him back slightly- -but once he finds a comfortable bed behind him- -and a warm body next to him- -turns slightly- -and pulls the body closer- -flush against his- -rests with his arm firmly around the other- -until relaxation has his going limp again-

Remus: -this was what he'd been wanting- -to have a warm body to sleep next to- -the comfort he felt was enough to lull him back towards slumber- -snuggles against him- -drapes his arm across the other's waist- -kissing his shoulder- -closes his eyes- -drifting off to sleep-


	11. Chapter 11

James: -a couple of hours pass- -and he is lifted from the sleep- -actually feeling refreshed now- -unlike his time on the stairs- -and on the bathroom floor- -though he'd gotten almost too much sleep at this point- -feels warmth against him- -and shifts a little closer to it- -and that sends a jolt through his groin- -realizes he's hard- -and his trousers are keeping a strong erection encaged- Lily. -murmurs- -his voice a soft mumble- -tightens his hold over the other- -urging him closer- -and trying to wake him-

Remus: -slept peacefully- -first time, really- -subconsciously felt the safety of the other's arm around him the whole time- -kept him comforted- -snuggles a little closer to him as he's pulled nearer- -the strong frame of the other had become a bit more familiar to him- -nuzzles his shoulder- -holds onto him a bit tighter- Mm. -soft sound- wanting more of that warmth-

James: -slides his hand long the other's side- -before seeking out his front- -wanting to feel the swell of a breast- -but finds that it's quite flat- -the press of his hand grows firmer- -and then he becomes aware of the bumps of scarring- -his eyes snap open- -and the deep red hair he was expecting is not there- -and everything suddenly crashes into place- -and his heart aches- -because for a moment he forgot- -and he believed his wife was beside him-

Remus: -can feel the other's hands moving along his body- -unaware of the mistake- -a little surprised by the touch- -opens his eyes slowly- -just looking ahead- -rather than up at him- -cheek resting against his chest- -lightly rubs his side-

James: -feels the touch- -and it only sharpens the pain- -feels himself growing upset- -because he'd have given anything- -for the other to be her- -knew the other was awake now- -but didn't want to alert him to the slight meltdown he was having- -so remains silent and still now-

Remus: -wondering if he fell back asleep- -since the motions stopped- -his breathing didn't sound steady enough- -but doesn't bother him- -in case he was wanting to drift back off- -just lays there- -lowering his hand to rest on the other's hip-

James: -can't help the way his muscles naturally stiffen under the other's hand- -his body was quite aware of how close the hand was to a yearning erection- -once that he was ignoring- -his breathing also skips slightly- -tries to force it back into rhythm-

Remus: -feels him stiffen and tense up- -frowns a little- -growing a bit concerned- -maybe he didn't want to be so close- -but was trying to appease him- -suddenly very self-conscious- -draws his hand back to himself- -raising up a little- -looking down at him- Jamie..? Are you okay?

James: -mentally curses when the other moves- -and starts to question- -really didn't know what to say- -knew that if he pushed the other away- -it'd just upset him as it had last time- -and even if he'd prefer Lily next to him- -knew that he didn't want Remus to leave entirely- I'm fine. -shifts a little- -wishing he could hide himself under the covers- -wondering why it wasn't going down- -thinking about his dead wife shouldn't be erection fuel- -if anything- -it felt as if it'd gotten harder- -which sickened him- -not realizing that Lily was probably not the cause at all-

Remus: -slow nod- -lowers his head back down- -knew that wasn't true- -and it hurt that they still hadn't gotten to a point where either of them could just be honest when they weren't okay- -looks at him- -concerned- -just lays there- -unsure what to do- -move or not move- -touch or not touch- -does start to trace slow patterns with his finger tip on the other's chest-

James: -could feel the eyes on him- -and more distractingly the finger on his chest- -it almost felt like a tease- -a touch to show him exactly what he wasn't getting- -grits his teeth- -pretty sure he could convince Remus to touch him- -considering all their past contact- -but that brought with it a whole new wave of stress- -if having Lily on his mind wasn't enough-

Remus: -didn't know what to do- -talking felt.. wrong- -so did moving away- -but staying was just uncomfortable- -just keeps lightly touching him- -that seemed sort of okay for the other-

James: -can't take it anymore- -finally just bursts- -shuts his eyes- -and speaks matter-of-factly- Remus, I'm hard as a rock and you're killing me right now.

Remus: -blinks- -blushing- -was that what he was so tense about?- -looks up at him- -trails his hand down lower- -toward the waistband of his pants-

James: -tenses even more- -making a small sound- -not sure if it was of protest- -or urging- -opens his eyes again- -looking down at the hand- -rather than meeting the other's eyes-

Remus: -trails lower- -finding his erection- -the other had not been exaggerating in the least- -he was rock hard- -cups him with his hand- -squeezing him through his trousers-

James: -can't help the way he bucks slightly- -into the contact- Remmy. -almost wanted to tell him to stop- -because of what this was- -and where it kept leading- -to confusion and friction between them- -because the idea of Lily was still in his head- -and how craved her touch- -her body-

Remus: -presses a kiss to his neck- -starting to rub him through his trousers a little more- -to create that friction- -shifting his body to be more over the other- I just want to make you feel good, Jamie.. -whispers-

James: -hard not to be seduced- -not when his cock was singing with contact- -the other having given it so much attention over the last several days- -it was responding quite favorably to him- -finally lifts his eyes to meet the other- -desire seeping into his gaze- It does. -agrees quietly- -physically, at least-

Remus: -smiles a bit- -kisses his neck again- -starts to work open his trousers- -wanting to feel the heat of his cock- -slips a hand inside- -wrapping around him- -starts stroking him slowly- -nips at his neck- -feeling that urge to bite-

James: -small groan- -presses his head back into the pillow- -turning it slightly- -opening his neck up to the other- -inviting him to continue the nips- -though almost all his attention was focused on the hand touching him-

Remus: -soft reply- -nips a little harder at his pulse point- -thumbs the head of his cock in slow circles- -was getting more familiar with the feel of it- -how it fit in his fist- -licks where his teeth have been-

James: -quick little breaths- -the touch of his thumb so good- -his hips twitch up every time it circles around- -it felt better than what he did to himself- ... -and even better than what Lily had learned to do- -but that isn't a conscious thought-

Remus: -continues to circle his thumb around another moment- -wanting to be a bit more thorough- -the other was awfully hard- -gives his neck another lick- -shifts down the bed- -removing his hand- -only so he can tug his bottoms down- -freeing his erection- -looks at it a moment- -lifts his gaze back up- -then down again- -lowers his head- -wrapping his hand around his cock again- -stroking him- -traces the line of his hip bone with his tongue-

James: -watching him- -notices the way his eyes flick between his own and his cock- -his breath stops when he sees his head starting to lower- -barely able to believe what might come next- -sees the tongue dart out- -and gives a low groan of want-

Remus: -hears the groan- -the other didn't stop him- -thinking that might mean he wants him to continue- -wasn't sure what was driving him into the situation- -likely the desire to make him feel good as he said before- -and... there was a budding attraction- -couldn't let himself go there yet- -it was too much to think about- -swipes his tongue down the line of his hip bone again- -nuzzles the soft line of hair leading toward his groin- -eyes darken with lust- -continues stroking him- -lowers his head- -and starts swirling his tongue around the head of his cock the way he'd done with his thumb before-

James: -staring- -watching the other's mouth- -but they snap shut when he feels the tongue on him- -holding in another sound- -not wanting to sound so needy- -his hand wants to slide down- -to grip the other's hair- -but refrains from doing so-

Remus: -continues to lick slow, firm circles around the head of his cock- -stroking him with his closed hand- -flickers his tongue against the slit in the middle of the head- -multiple times- -followed by slow, firm licks- -then draws the head of his cock into his mouth- -sucking-

James: -mind blown- -the other had barely started- -and it felt absolutely incredible- -his hips twitch and barely keeps down the thrusts- Fuck! -gasps- Remmy. -moans- -unable to stop himself-

Remus: -the sounds the other was making were like fuel- -his own cock was hard as a rock too- -was more concerned about the other's arousal- -takes more of him into his mouth- -head bobbing a little as he started his own steady rhythm- -moans around his cock- -stroking the underside with his tongue-

James: -grips a handful of the sheets- -to keep himself from grabbing the other- -forces his eyes back open- -to look down at him- -the sight of Remus sucking his cock- -somehow made it even...more-

Remus: -gives his slit another firm lick- -hand lowering to squeeze the other's balls- -moves his head faster- -taking more and more of him in as he bobs his head up and down- -surprised he even wanted to do this- -but couldn't deny it-

James: Don't stop. -his voice has a slight beg- -needed this- -needed it so much- Fuck. -his mind wiped clear of all his previous thoughts-

Remus: -massages his balls with one hand- -feeling his own erection press stubbornly against his trousers- -it was too big to ignore- -slips a hand down between them- -starts to stroke himself through his pants- -as he continues to work him in and out of his mouth-

James: -it was a struggle to keep his eyes open- -and not just drop his head back- -and revel in the pleasure- -so he does notice the way the other's hand wanders- -sees him touch himself- ... -tears his eyes away- -to look at his mouth again- -and watch it slide up and down his cock- -bites his lip hard-

Remus: -unfastens his pants- -slips his hand in to stroke himself properly- -but his attention is primarily on the other- -alternating from slow suckles to long, firm licks up and down his length- -his cock was a bit larger than what he was used to- -moans softly as takes him into his mouth again- -sliding his tongue along the underside at the same time-

James: -wasn't aware it could feel like this- -not that they ever felt bad- -but the other seemed to touch every part of him in the right way- -combined with the warmth and wetness of his mouth- -holding back groans- -thinking he'd already made too much noise- -but can't stop his hand from letting go of the blankets- -and falling in the other's hair- -to grip firmly-

Remus: -feels the hand in his hair- -which causes a groan from him- -strokes himself faster- -trying to get off quickly so the other won't even have to think about it- -relaxes his jaw- -to take him in past the point of feeling the head of his cock hit the back of his throat-

James: -the feeling of being taken so deeply- -sharply tightens everything in his groin- -and his fingers tighten even more- -pulling now- -can't help it- Close. -voice is hoarse with pleasure-

Remus: -hears the other- -draws back a little to start sucking him and working him in and out of his mouth steadily- -feeling the knot tighten in his stomach- -squeezes and pulls at his own cock- -finding himself right at the brink- -doesn't try to prolong it for himself- -moans around the other's cock as he releases into his hand- -but doesn't outwardly acknowledge it more than that- -not wanting to take the attention off blowing him- -teasingly flickers his tongue against the slit of the other's cock- -lapping up the precum already leaking-

James: -his finally fall shut- -overwhelmed by this- -and so he doesn't even realize that the other had reached his peak- -every time he feels that tongue- -it's like another burst of pleasure- -but not enough to get him there- -and so it was a tortuous sensation- -that accented the pleasure of the other sucking him off- -his breathing grows increasingly unsteady- -until it all becomes too much- -and he bucks up into the other's mouth- -spilling a heavy amount of himself into the other-

Remus: -wipes his hand off on his own trousers- -shifting a little to anchor himself with the hand that had been on his cock- -starts sucking him more firmly again- -until he feels the other's hips buck- -relaxes- -taking the other's release- -letting it spill down his throat- -moans against him- -giving his balls another squeeze-

James: -his orgasm is rather powerful- -his eyes roll back a bit with it- -low groan- -fully aware that the other was swallowing him down- -which makes this feel like more again- -just because it's not something he'd have ever pictured for the other- -his image of him still quite innocent- -no matter how Sirius try to taint it-

Remus: -swallows every last drop- -then starts to slowly lick him clean- -eyelids flutter open- -wide eyes - -looking up at him- -to see his expression as he slows his motions down considerably-

James: -feeling the licking- -and it pulls another sound from him- -quieter now- -was left feeling quite pleasant- -opens his eyes- -looks down at the other- -and can't help the smirk that pulls at his mouth- -works his fingers free from the other's locks- -and starts to stroke his hair-

Remus: -smiles- -looking up at him fondly- -turns his head toward the other's hand- -gives him one more lick- -draws away to nuzzle his palm-

James: -keeps his hand limp for the nuzzle- -before using this thumb to trace the other's bottom lip- -and then gripping his chin- -to urge the other up- -using his free hand to push himself up- -to meet him in a kiss-

Remus: -shifts up his body- -moving beside him- -a little surprised when he realizes the other wants to kiss- -knowing there were some who probably wouldn't want to after that- -almost questions him- -but just lightly brushes his lips against the other's- -still smiling a little-

James: -there is no hesitation in him right now- -copies the brush- -being a bit more playful- -before sealing his lips to the others- -and kissing him deeply-

Remus: -leans into the kiss- -raising a hand to slide his fingers into the other's hair- -presses against him- -wanting to be close-

James: -content to stay like this- -kissing the other- -letting this affection pass between them- -and savor the remains of his climax- -slides an arm around the other- -and holds onto him lightly-

Remus: -returning his kisses- -needing this affection- -stroking his hair- -arching into him- -to be as close as he can be- -likely could stay this way a long time- -just exchanging kisses-


	12. Chapter 12

James: -no idea how long he's been kissing the other- -just that taste and the feel of the other was ground into his memory now- -their tongues had found a balance- -and were now interacting flawlessly- -as the minutes ticked on and on-

Remus: -so content- -their lips met, meshed, and mingled so beautifully- -feeling warm all over- -the time passing was of little importance to him- -so engrossed with kissing him- -nothing else really mattered- -didn't need it to progress further- -satisfied to taste and tease his tongue- -knew his lips were swollen- -which was all the more satisfying-

James: -what finally has him pulling away is an ache in his stomach- -had eaten earlier- -but his stomach was already empty and craving more- -breaks off the kiss- -and almost regrets doing so- -his lips felt so warm- -and were tingling- -sees that the other's are quite red from being thoroughly kissed- -and feels a small spark of pride- -barely keeps himself from falling back in- -and renewing it- -knew if he did- -he'd be making out with him with no end in sight-

Remus: -eyes open partially when the other draws back- -fears that he was overwhelmed weren't really present- -because the other had been kissing him so assuredly- -that this was what he wanted- -it had felt so good- -so intimate- -even more intimate than some of their touching- -presses one more kiss to his jaw- -and smiles at him-

James: -returns the smile- -and then realizes he was just hanging out- -so he tucks himself away- -already missing the feel of the other's mouth- -both on his lips- -and on his cock- -his eyes drift down the other- -and sees that he is also...freed- -hadn't noticed that- -but even more alarming- -he was soft- -so...he came- -hadn't noticed that either- -flushes and looks away- -uncomfortable-

Remus: -notices him blushing- -and looking away suddenly- -the other had zipped up- -just.. figures that's what he needs to do too- -tucks himself back in- -silently cleanses the mess he'd wiped on himself too- -trying not to draw any more attention to it than what the other just gave- -kisses the cheek closest to him- D'you want something to eat?

James: -a little wary to look back at him- -slowly turns his head- -and glad to see he was put away- -focuses back on his face- Yeah. -nods- I'm pretty damn hungry.

Remus: -pushes up- -hovering over him- -leans in and kisses him- -trying to remind him of what just felt incredible between them- -so he can think of that- -and not whatever it was that made him uncomfortable just then- -draws back- -reaches over- -plucks up his glasses- -perches them on the other's nose- There. C'mon, then. -crawls off him- -standing- -holds out his hand to him-

James: -it works like a charm- -the kiss helping to smooth out his ruffles- -the affectionate gesture of putting on his glasses a finishing touch- -smiling again when he takes his hand- -and uses it to stand-

Remus: -smiling as the other stands- -gives his hand a squeeze- -leans up to kiss him one more time- -the other bringing out repressed affection he didn't realize he even possessed- -it'd been so long- -gives his hair a little fluff- -then turns and starts to walk out of the room-

James: -shakes his hair a little- -follows after him- -watching him as they moved towards the stairs- -glancing following the line of the other's back- -just a step behind-

Remus: -pretty sure he can feel the other's eyes on him- -wants to stop, turn around, and kiss him a few times along the way to the kitchen- -but refrains- -not wanting to overwhelm him- -stops in the kitchen- -leaning against the counter- What sounds good?

James: -also leans against the counter- -still looking at him- -his eyes haven't wandered- What sounds good to you?

Remus: -shrugs his shoulders- -this time actually looking at him- -seeing the other looking right back- -blushes a bit- -running a hand through his hair- -it had gotten long over the last few months- I.. I imagine we could just look at what's here.

James: -shifts a little closer- -leaning against his shoulder- Whatever you want.

Remus: -feels the warmth of the other pressing into his shoulder and arm- -that warmth creeps further onto his cheeks- -returns the lean- -then pushes off the counter to look in the refrigerator- -there was still a little lunch meat left- Want a sandwich without the bread? -turns and smiles at him-

James: Sounds delicious. -really not caring what they eat- -as long as the other was content- -steps closer to him- -and barely brushes the other's arm with his fingertips-

Remus: -cheeks on fire- -hadn't expected that- -having just pulled out the food- -looks up at him- -smiles a bit- -and lightly tugs on his shirt- -pulling him back over to the counter- -sets the meat container down- -already looking back up at him again-

James: -glances down at the container- -opens it and pulls out a little bit- -but instead of eating it- -lifts it to the other's mouth-

Remus: -eyes widen a bit in surprise- -still looking at him- -nibbles at it- -then takes it from his hand- -tongue lightly brushing the tip of his finger-

James: -feels the other's tongue- -bites his lip- -quickly grabs another piece- -and lifts it again-

Remus: -does it again- -playfully licking his fingertip this time- -lifts a piece up for him- -since the other said he was hungry- -his other hand coming to rest on the other's hip-

James: -pulls the piece into his mouth- -and chews slowly on it- -looking into the other's eyes- -can't help but lean in and kiss him-

Remus: -watching him as he eats- -can somehow tell the other was going to kiss him- -eyes close- -leaning in to meet him for a kiss- -the hand that fed him coming to rest on his cheek-

James: -twists them slightly- -to push the other against the counter- -kisses him firmly- -holding onto the ledge on either side of him-

Remus: -shifts as he needs to- -letting the other turn him as he wants- -a little surprised- -but falls into the kiss easily- -squeezes his hip with one hand- -the other sliding up to tangle into his hair- -kissing him deeply-

James: -so easy to find their previous rhythm again- -which makes it so easy to continue- -savoring the feel of his hands as well-

Remus: -gladly continues kissing him- -soft sound behind the kiss- -it was just so easy to fall into satisfaction- -contentment- -the feeling it gave him was such a relief to the pain he usually felt otherwise-

James: -presses a bit closer- -letting his front overwhelm the other's- -tilts his head a bit- -to seal their lips more firmly together-

Remus: -the hand on his hip slips around to his back- -beneath his shirt- -pressing into the small of it- -tangles his fingers tighter in his hair- -pressing against him as they kiss-

James: -slight grunt- -breaks the kiss- -but keeps their mouths close- -and rests his forehead against the other's- -brushes his lips against the other's lightly-

Remus: -cheeks still flushed as the other breaks the kiss- -sorry to see it end- -looking up at him- -foreheads pressed together- -brushes their lips- -lets his fingers uncurl from his hair- -so he can stroke it slowly-

James: -smiles- -nuzzles the other's nose- Hungry, Remmy. -his voice a coo almost- -so light and gentle his demeanor-

Remus: -wasn't used to such soft words from the other- -tender smile- -without looking away- -picks up a bit of the meat- -lifting it up to his lips again-

James: -parts his lips- -to let the other drop it in- -chewing slowly again- -lifts one his hands- -and touches the other's side-

Remus: -strokes his cheek- -then drops his hand to pick up another piece- -repeating the motion- -feeling the warmth of his hand on his side- -brushes the thumb of his other hand against the other's hip-

James: -swallows this second piece down- -more quickly than the first- -and can't help but kiss him again- -pushing for deepness from the start- -being extremely intimate with him-

Remus: -can feel the intimacy between them- -and it feels good- -so good- -won't let himself feel selfish- -won't taint this with anything negative- -just indulges- -and returns the touches- -the kisses- Jamie.. -murmurs his name between kisses- -within an intake of air- -strokes the back of his neck-

James: -hearing his name between each kiss- -stirs something in him- -both of his hands shoot up- -grabs the other's cheeks- -holding them firmly- -but with a gentle touch- -keeping it held close-

Remus: -the hand on his neck drops down- -so that he can wrap both arms around him- -and hold onto him tightly- -almost clinging to him- -

James: -kissing him passionately- -completely losing himself in it- -needing the other's lips against his own-

Remus: -whimpers softly- -clutching onto him tighter- -wasn't close enough- -needed to be closer- -just didn't know how- -kissing him deeply- -their lips meeting again and again-

James: -hears the whimper- -shivers- -strokes his cheek- -but ultimately continues to hold his face close- -presses him closer to the counter- -keeping him firmly pinned against it-

Remus: -pinned- -but pushes against him- -pressing his body flush against the other's- -it felt so good- -fingers curl around the fabric of his shirt- -holding tightly to him-

James: -lets go of his back- -to slide his hands further back on the counter- -almost bending the other back a bit over the counter-

Remus: -slides his hands around from his back to press against his chest- -kissing him deeply- -bending as the other shifts- -leaning back- -but still remaining flush against him- -another soft sound-

James: -aware of just how flush they were- -makes a sound into the kiss- -press his hips closer- -not really going for anything- -but the pressure felt nice-

Remus: -wasn't trying to push for anything either- -just giving in entirely to the kiss- -wanting to indulge in the passion behind it- -and how it made him feel- -clinging as tightly to that feeling as he was to James- -one hand remaining on his chest- -clutching his shirt- -the other finding its way back up into his hair-

James: -couldn't help but press him back further- -vaguely aware that the bend of the other's body was probably a bit uncomfortable- -but the way it curved to his was so nice- -sucks on the other's bottom lip-

Remus: -it wasn't terribly uncomfortable- -was too focused on the kiss to even realize there was any discomfort- -staying arched against him for support helped as well- -licks the other's upper lip as his lower is sucked on-

James: -nibbles on the other's lip- -before giving it a soft tug- -and letting it slip from between his teeth- -and then nuzzles his face-

Remus: -whimpers softly at the nip- -exhaling the breath he was holding as his lip slips from the other's teeth- -returns the nuzzle with one of his own- -still holding tightly to him- -wanting to stay close-

James: -pulls back a bit- -so the other wasn't bent so far back- -enough that he can look at the other clearly- -glances over his face-

Remus: -unbends a little- -but remaining as close as the other will allow- -lightly runs his hand through his hair again- -looking up at him- -blushes a little under his gaze- -lips still swollen-

James: -just seeing how thoroughly kissed he was- -made him want to claim his lips even more- -does so- -but only pecking him now- -before pulling back to look at him- -and repeating-

Remus: -feeling warm all over from the close contact and all the kissing- -feeling incredibly close to the other in more ways than one- -lightly brushes his fingertips against the back of his head- -meeting the soft pecks with his lips- -they were almost sore- -in a very good way-

James: -finally lets him up entirely- -but his arms find refuge around the other's waist- -to keep him pulled close- Want to just go to lunch? -even though it was steadily getting closer to dinner-

Remus: -links his arms around the other's neck- -wouldn't have minded just grazing on whatever they could find at the house- -but the idea of going out was probably a good one- -they could eat something more substantial- -and it'd get them out of the house for a little while- -hadn't been out in a long time- Sure. -soft voice- -smiling at him-

James: ...might have to push me out the door. -pecking his jaw now- -working his way up towards his ear-

Remus: -can't help but grin- -was that a flirtatious comment?- -cheeks burn a little- -gives his chest a playful little shove- -but holds onto his shirt- -so it doesn't really pull them apart at all- -shivering a little from all the kisses-

James: -smirks at the shove- -tugs on his earlobe- -and then speaks into it- Or do I have to push you out of the door?

Remus: -grinning- -blushes a little deeper- -feeling the other's breath against his ear- -can't help himself- -holds a little tighter to him- It would appear that way.. -soft again- -almost breathy- -just didn't want to let him go-

James: I don't know if we're going to get anywhere, then. -another tug- -before pulling back- -to find the other's lips again- -kissing him firmly- -so caught up in the other right now-

Remus: -agrees- -about to say so until he's kissed again- -presses tightly against him- -one of his hands finding its way to tangle back in his hair again- Jamie.. -sighs his name against his lips- -before kissing him again-

James: -pulls the other away from the counter- -but keeps their lips connected- -kissing him eagerly- -whilst guiding him towards the living room- -it's not their most graceful moment- -but manages to get him there- -moves him over to the couch- -and pushes him down so he's sitting on it- -looks down at him- -and then climbs into his lap- -to straddle him- -and reconnect their kiss-

Remus: -lets the other take him wherever he wants- -just didn't want to be apart- -it was so easy to lose himself in those kisses- -in the other's warmth- -lowers onto the couch- -gladly accepting the other's weight in his lap- -fingers already back in his hair- -as their lips meet again- -kissing him passionately-

James: -is fervent on his own side- -finally starting to desire more- -the way his legs were spread over the other- -awakening a desire in him- -could remember how nice his mouth had felt this morning- -so warm and moist- -and that tongue- -feels himself heating up at the memory-

Remus: -can't help but gasp against his mouth- -hips instinctively arching into the other's- -kissing him harder- -his tongue brushing against the other's lips- -heating up so fast from the other's touch-

James: -feels the other's hips press against his- -and the desire pools- -already bringing life to his cock- -wanted the other's mouth- -that tongue on his lips is a tease- -breaks off the kiss- -his breaths quicker now- -looks into his eyes- -almost willing the other to just take over- -figure it out- -and suck him off-

Remus: -couldn't read his mind- -but could tell from the reaction of the other's body that this was becoming much more intense- -that the other wanted more- -his own desires flickering within- -wanted more of his skin- -leans in to start kissing his neck- -biting every so often- -while lowering his hands- -to start pulling up on the other's shirt-

James: -tilts his head- -making little sounds with every bite- -his fingers stroke and dig into the other's shirt- -until he feels his start to lift- -more than happy to bare his skin for the other- -lets go- -and helps the other pull it off of him- -exposing his torso to the other-

Remus: -those sounds fuel him onward- -to give him more- -assaulting his neck with kisses, suckles, and bites- -drawing back enough to let the other remove his shirt- -and is presented with that gorgeous expanse of skin- -abs he wanted to lick inch by inch- -eyes darken with lust- -looking up at him just a moment- -still a look of innocence- -mixed with the lust lurking within his eyes- -lowers his head- -licking along the length of his collar bone- -hands sliding down- -over his hips- -one sliding down to cup his groin- -and squeeze- -as his tongue swirls around a nipple-

James: -meets his eyes- -and that perfect mixture sends this horrible throb down to his cock- -the other's initiative was driving him crazy- -especially when he feels the duel sensation between his cock and his nipple- -moans as his eyes shut- -arching closer- -never been so thoroughly spoiled in this way- -the other was continually overwhelming him easily-

Remus: -the moan sends a warm jolt to his own cock- -feeling it starting to harden beneath his trousers- -grunts against his chest- -and sucks the nipple he'd been teasing between his lips- -squeezing the growing bulge in the other's pants-

James: -his hips rut up a bit- -into the hand squeezing him- -but can't move too much- -didn't want to breath the seal of the other's mouth around his nipple- -his hands grip at the other's shirt firmly- -using it as something to hold on to-

Remus: -continues sucking his nipple- -occasionally taking it between his teeth- -removes his hand- -placing both of his on the other's hips- -starts to grind their groins together- -growling softly- -the contact creating a delicious friction-

James: -the attention as chest wasn't something he'd ever had before- -it felt weird- -but so good- -particularly when he feels the teeth- -growing flushed with arousal- -almost whines when the hand moves away- -glad he didn't- -especially when he feels the friction- -groans again- -lower now- -and starts to return the grind- -feeling the hardness against his own- -but it creates that pressure that felt amazing- -trying to increase it-

Remus: -draws his head back a little- -to release a low groan- -bucks his hips up against the other- -continuous, non-stop friction between them- -the heat- -the pressure- -so worked up from all of it- -latches onto his other nipple- -sucking firmly-

James: -his head drops back- -hands pulling so hard at the other shirt- -it felt like the cloth might rip beneath his fingers- -wanted to feel his skin- -the cloth between them was impeding them- -knew it would feel so good to rub his cock against the other- -any thoughts of the blowjob were long gone- -distracted with this delicious grinding- -forces himself to let go with one hand- -and instead grip the back of the other's head- -encouraging him to keep sucking and licking and biting- Remus...

Remus: -wanted the other to pull his shirt off- -wanted to lose all of their clothes all together- -but was so afraid the other would be put off by his scars- -didn't encourage him- -didn't try to stop him either- -wanted the other to have anything he wanted from him- -groans a reply to the sound of his name- -pushing up harder against him-

James: -losing himself in a way he hadn't in a long time- -consumed by the passion between them- -if he had the mind to think about it- -might realize that this all was going way too fast- -but as it were- -convinced he needed more- -so he lets of go the other- -and lowers unsteady hands down to his pants- -and starts to release himself- -before realizing having his cock out is pointless if he can't feel the other- -so his hands shift to the other's shirt- -and he starts to pull it off in firm tugs-

Remus: -it was going too fast- -but neither of them were stopping it- -if he stopped and thought- -it would ruin everything- -tenses up when the other pulls at his shirt- -but it happens so fast he can't stop him- -tries to distract him- -before he can look too closely- -as soon as it's off- -pulls him into another deep kiss- -and starts grinding against him again-

James: -was about to finish pulling himself out- -but can't even think- -before he's pulled in close- -and the grinding is resumed- -moans against the other's lips- -grabbing his shoulders to steady himself- -as he returns the motions- -though still vaguely aware of the cloth separating him from the other-

Remus: -knew the other was starting to free himself from his trousers- -and wanted to do the same- -wanted to so much- -to feel the heat between them meshing- -the hardness of their cocks rubbing together- -wanted it desperately- -but didn't want to push him- -didn't want to do something that would gain a negative reaction- Jamie.. -whimpers his name- -his voice full of need- -his hands sliding around to finish undoing the fastenings of the other's trousers-

James: -the sound of his name- -brings shivers up his spine- -glances down as his trousers split- -there was this relief- -that the cloth cage keeping his erection contained had loosened- -reaches down- -and takes over for the other- -sliding his hand in- -and working his cock out- -so it was hovering over the line of his trousers- -shifts closer- -so it was pressed against the other's belly- -it felt so warm against his cock- -shifts his hips- -to rub himself against the other-

Remus: -feels the other's cock grinding against his belly- -which just makes his own ache even more- -knew how good it would feel to have his own rubbing against the other's- -but James did not show any sign of wanting him to free his cock- -didn't want this to stop- -resides to letting him move as he wants- -leans in- -sucks his nipple again-

James: -continues to thrust against him- -feeling the skin against his- -groaning from the feel of it- -and the mouth on his nipple- -finding that increasingly pleasant- -and that he really liked it- Remmy. -soft gasp-

Remus: -whimpers- -the lower half of his body aching terribly- -lines a trail of kisses from his nipple to his shoulder- -into the crook of his neck- -kissing, licking, and biting there-

James: -tilts his head- -feels his glasses starting to slip from his nose- -but couldn't be pressed to care- -though the skin felt very good- -the lack of the other's thrusting made it less- -and if he ground down against the other- -the rough cloth might be a bit much- -still tries though- -shifting a bit- -to find the other's erection again-

Remus: -feeling him thrust against his erection again- -groans- -looks up at him- -almost pleadingly- -whimpering- -just wanting so much to free himself- -didn't know how to ask- -without making him flee- -or reject him- -hands run over the other's back and sides- -touching him everywhere he can reach-

James: -meets the other's gaze- -and just senses what the other wants- -his own expression grows...worried- -and his movements slow- -wants to ignore it- -and just take this pleasure for himself- -but the other's reactions were making it harder to be selfish-

Remus: -doesn't want to ruin it- -doesn't want to make him stop- -doesn't want to lose the closeness- -it was all too important- -his pleasure could take a backseat- -can't let it get awkward- -couldn't take the other being distant- -pushes the other- -out of his lap- -to make him sit on the couch- -quickly turns- -sliding out of his seat- -onto his knees- -facing him- -pulls his trousers down a little more- -taking his cock in his hand- -and lowering his head- -licks the tip- -before taking the head between his lips-

James: -barely has time to register what was happening- -and the guilt is lingering- -but doesn't move to stop him- -letting the other lick him- -letting himself feel the warmth of his mouth- -leans back into the back of the couch behind him-

Remus: -starts to work him in and out of his mouth- -lapping at the head of his cock every so often- -hands rest on the other's thighs- -ignoring the aching in his groin- -it wasn't as important to him as the other's happiness- -groans around his cock- -taking him in deeply-

James: -it felt as good as he remembered- -the other was so...enthusiastic about it- -more so than what he was use to, at least- -reaches for his head- -and rests his hand on it- -sliding his fingers into the other's hair- -his groan echoes the muffled one-

Remus: -feels the hand in his hair- -drags his tongue along the underside of his cock- -swirling it around the head- -licking the slit in the center firmly- -takes him between his lips again- -suckling motions as he takes him all the way in- -feeling the head reach the back of his throat-

James: -didn't think he was going to last long- -not with the way this felt- -rubs his head- -encouraging him- -his hips lifting a bit- -as he feels himself being taken so deeply- -bites his lip- -glasses slipping further off- -threatening to fall now-

Remus: -draws back- -gasping for breath- -strokes him with his hand while his mouth isn't on him- -looks up at him- Don't be afraid to move your hips, Jamie. You can fuck my mouth. -could take it- -relaxes- -lowering his head again- -starts to bob his head- -working him in and out of his mouth again-

James: -blinks at the words- -everything in him pausing for several beats- -not what he expected to hear- -stares at him- -and then slowly starts to shift his hips up into the other's mouth-

Remus: -knew it might surprise him- -just didn't want the other to hold back- -no restraints- -if he didn't hold back- -it might open him to more things eventually- -feels his hips start to move- -adjusts his motions to match the shifting of his hips- -taking him in deeply as the other's hips come up-

James: -surprised at how well the other takes him- -starts to shift himself a bit faster- -just to see what he can get away with- -drops his hand down to the couch next to him- -using it for leverage- Fuck. -mutters under his breath- -watching his cock disappear in the other's mouth-

Remus: -groans a little- -relaxing his jaw a little more- -while still keeping the fit snug- -to give him the most stimulation he can- -sucking as he takes him in each time- -the increase in speed doesn't faze him much- -the other had a large cock- -but it wasn't more than what he could handle- -grips the other's thighs again- -to keep himself steady-

James: -bites his lip- -trying not to get carried away- -this was the closest thing he's been to sex yet- -and it made him yearn for the real thing- -but it was hard to complain- -not with the perfect fit of the other's mouth around him- -and the sucking- -could feel everything starting to tighten-

Remus: -clutches onto his thighs tighter- -manages to lick the slit at the head of his cock a time or two when the other draws out of him- -before taking him in all the way- -feeling him hit the back of his throat- -flickers his gaze up- -to watch the other's expression- -wanting to see his face when he reaches his peak-

James: -could feel it building- -to the point that he needed it- -can't help but thrust harder- -not thinking about what the other could or couldn't handle- -just about reaching his climax- -and when his hips stutter- -and it finally hits- -a loud groan is drawn from his hips- -filling the quiet room with his voice- -and the sound of his pleasure-

Remus: -tries his best to keep up- -does gag a little a time or two when he starts thrusting harder- -but manages to compose himself enough not to lose his rhythm- -can tell he's getting there- -when he does- -relaxes his jaw as best he can- -and takes his release- -swallowing as it runs down his throat- -slows his motions- -still bobbing his head- -just in a more gentle way- -licks him clean- -lapping at the head of his cock between suckles-

James: -felt incredible- -looking down at him- -his gaze heavy and distant- -reaches out to him- -and brushes his hair from his forehead- -lazy smile-

Remus: -takes a few steadying breaths- -feeling a little dizzy from lack of oxygen after all that- -a little flushed- -smiles back at him- -letting the other pet him-

James: You're so good at that. -comments- -not one to offer compliments freely- -not unless it was someone he was...involved with- -brushes his thumb along the other's forehead- -and then dips his fingers into his hair-

Remus: -blushes- -warmth spreading across his cheeks even more- -resting his chin on the other's thigh- -soothed by the strokes of the other's fingers and thumb- Good to know.. -soft-

James: -his smile grows- -watching the blush bloom on his cheeks- -wanted to be close to him again- -per their new and abrupt standard- -but was still vaguely aware that the other was probably still hard as a rock- -so he doesn't reach out to him-

Remus: -was still very hard indeed- -trying to will it away- -it just wasn't working right now- -stays where he is- -laying his cheek against the other's thigh then- -lightly stroking them with his hands- -wanted to be close to him too- -but didn't say anything- -knowing it wouldn't be a good idea now-

James: -continues to run his hand through the hair- -subconsciously glad it was longer now- -it felt good between his fingers- -giving him this gentle affection- -as he relaxed down from his high-

Remus: -liked the affection- -had always been very sensitive around his scalp, especially near his ears- -continuing to ignore his erection- -painful as it was- -it was starting to go away a little- -which saddened him- -but doesn't let it show on his face-

James: -feeling sated now- -had a thought to kiss him- -but finds that he didn't need to- -could probably finally eat- -without getting lost against the other's lips- -tugs his trousers back up a bit- -to cover himself-

Remus: -it was evident the other wasn't going to touch him- -absorbs that- -slides back a little- -so James can pull up his trousers- -moves to sit next to him on the sofa- -keeping his arms folded in his lap while waiting for his erection to go down-

James: -fastens them back in place- -then looks over at him- -bites his lip- -a bit curious about the other's sex life- -but didn't know if there was anything outside of Sirius- -so he didn't want to bring it up- -doesn't question what was in his mind- -but his eyes reflected all the curiosity he felt-

Remus: -can feel eyes on him- -ears burn a little- -wasn't sure he ought to look over at him or not- -but if he didn't- -he'd just blush more- -glances over at him- -the other looked like he was wondering something- Jamie..? -didn't know what he was thinking-

James: -lets go of his lip- -his eyes naturally falling to the other's cheek- -but no longer surprised by the blushes- ...you're very good at that. -repeats- -obviously getting at something with that statement this time-

Remus: -bits his lower lip- -obviously the other was implying something behind his words- -didn't quite know how to take it- -was he wondering how he learned?- -how often he'd done it?- -who he'd done it with?- -didn't really want to answer any of those musings out loud- -shrugs a little- I.. I like doing it.

James: You like it? -repeats- -as if the concept didn't make sense to him- -and it didn't quite- -it did not seem all that enjoyable- -it seemed strange to him that the other would like it- -but supposes it had to be true- -that was the second time he'd sucked him off today-

Remus: -shrugs and nods- Yes. -it might seem odd- -but being the people pleaser he was- -it was likely very fitting that he was good at it- -and liked doing it- I like.. making you feel good. I like seeing what you like, what makes you feel the best.

James: ... -back to nibbling his lip- -the words having an effect on him- Don't really think there's a 'best'. -mumbles to himself- -speaking of the fact that he'd mostly been overwhelmed by everything the other's mouth had done- -couldn't say what he'd liked the most- -though the tongue on the head of him had been so pleasant-

Remus: -there were things that made the other grip his hair- -things that made him make certain sounds- -breathe a little faster- -noticed everything- -and remembered it all- -thinking about it wasn't doing his erection any favors-

James: -still watching the other- -his eyes descend down- -hoping the other was soft- -which was a selfish thing for him to wish of the other- -knew how much it sucked to not be able to deal with an erection- -but could see the way the other's folded arms hid his lap- -bites his lip harder-

Remus: -tries to think of something else- -wanting it to go away- -but it wasn't- -was going to have to either go upstairs and wank off- -or take a cold shower- -or just walk around with a boner- -the last option wasn't going to happen- I.. I think I'll go write that letter to Dumbledore.

James: -his eyes jump up to the other's face- -and it takes him a moment of fishtailing to realized what he said- Oh, yeah. -wasn't sure if he was being serious- -or if it was just an excuse- -but feels an awkwardness building between them- ...and maybe we can worry about lunch later. -glances at a clock on the mantle- Or dinner, s'pose. -didn't even know what he was talking about at this point-

Remus: -just nods- -the idea of going out to lunch or dinner didn't seem feasible now- -things had gotten a little weird again- -which sucked- -because the last time they'd done this- -everything was wonderful afterward- All right, then. -stands up- -and walks out of the room- -upstairs to his- -shuts the door, but it doesn't latch all the way- -lays face down on his bed-


	13. Chapter 13

James: -remains still for several movements- -glances down at the couch- -where it'd all just taken place- -pulls in a long breath- -wondering if this was something that was going to keep going- -but it wasn't something he wanted to stress about right now- -so he pushes the thoughts away for now- ... -and realizes there were a few things he wanted Remus to include to his letter to Dumbledore- -so starts towards the stairs- -not thinking that the other's excuse may have been just that-

Remus: -turns over onto his side- -unfastens his trousers- -didn't particularly like jerking off- -it felt selfish- -but was in such pain from denying himself stimulation before- -just.. wants to take care of it- -works his trousers down a little- -enough to free himself- -and expose most of his lower half- -wraps his hand around his cock- -and starts stroking himself- -other hand reaches back- -and starts kneading his arse at the same time-

James: -doesn't think about the fact that the door is closed- -since it isn't fully shut- -so just starts to push it open- -but as soon as he sees what the other was doing- -immediately pull it back to him- -intending to shut it- -but slows before the view is closed off from him- -so he was peaking in- -could see the other's arse- -and the hand rubbing it- -stares-

Remus: -continues to touch himself- -thumbing the head of his cock- -eyes shut- -panting a little as the pleasure builds- -turns his face into the pillow- -to keep his sounds as muffled as he can- -squeezes one side of his arse- -moaning into his pillow-

James: -knew what must be happening up front- -but that wasn't what held his focus- -if it had- -he'd have probably fled already- -but seeing the other's arse exposed- -pleasantly firm- -with a hand working it- -kept him glued in place- -even his grip on the door starts to tighten- -hearing the moan-

Remus: -moans again- -lips parted- -panting- -bringing himself close to the brink of ecstasy- -jerking a little harder- -wanting to finger himself- -circles his arsehole with his index finger- -wandlessly lubes his fingers- -slipping one finger inside- -which makes him thrust into his hand a little faster-

James: -completely blown away- -unable to believe what he was seeing- -there is disgust in his expression- -but it couldn't completely mask this yearning- -knowing what else could go inside that hole- -wanted to move away- -close to door- -and pretend he'd never seen that- -but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the sight of the other fingering himself-

Remus: -just needed to feel- -to feel everything but shame and pain- -at first his thoughts were of Sirius- -but his face was blurred- -and then it changed entirely- -the hair was shorter- -the body was different- -everything changed- -adds a second finger- -while stroking himself faster- -so close- -had been needing touch so bad- -it wouldn't take much longer- -whimpers- J..amie.. -hides his face in his pillow- -to muffle the moans he couldn't keep down-

James: -sees him add another finger with what looks like ease- -wanted to move further into the room- -to see how deeply they were thrust- -to see the way he stretched tightly around them- -it looked so unnatural to him- -but the other seemed to be enjoying it- ... -almost takes a step closer- -not thinking- -but then he hears his name- -and he freezes still- -his first irrational thought that the other had seen him- -but quickly realizes this isn't the case- -and is stunned- -his face only registering shock- -the other was fantasizing about him- -feels his breathing deepen- -were those fingers supposed to be his cock?-

Remus: -the tightening in his belly becomes too much- -knows he's about to climax- -fingers himself a little harder- -plunging his fingers deep inside- -squeezes his eyes shut- -moans into his pillow- -releasing into his other hand- -pumps himself a little longer- -milking his cock- -slows his fingers- -removing them a moment later- -curls up in a ball on the bed- -clutching his pillow-

James: -realizes several seconds too late that he's finished- -feels a twist of panic- -thinking the other may be distracted enough to slip out- -proceeds to do just that- -backing out of the doorway- -as silently as he can- -pulls the door shut- -but not enough for it to latch into place- -but there's a still a soft click of the bolt tapping the metal plate- -tiptoes away from the door- -and heads back down the stairs- -wanting to pretend he'd been no where nearby-

Remus: -as much as he'd been trying to escape- -shame and pain are all he feels after- -trying to steady his breathing- -feeling flushed all over- -utters a quick cleansing charm- -just trying to pull himself together- -opens his eyes slowly- -but stays where he is for a minute-

James: -can't stop thinking about it- -the moans- -the sound of his name- -the thrusting fingers- -Remus wanted him- ... -slides a hand through his hair nervously- -could fuck him- -could probably walk right back up there- -and fuck him- ... -swallows hard- -could mount him- -could slide his cock inside- -feel how hot and tight he was- -and fuck him until he exploded- -can't help but groan- ... -growing incredibly turned on- -by a possibility that had never really occurred to him-

Remus: -eventually pulls his pants back up- -tucking himself back in- -sits up- -runs a hand through his hair- -stands up- -moving to the writing desk in the room- -there was some parchment, a quill, and an ink well- -figures he might as well do what he said- -starting to scratch Dumbledore's name onto the parchment- -but each letter is harder to write than the one before it-

James: -grips his hair tightly- -trying to get it out of his head- -reminding himself that he was a bloke- -his best mate- ... -that he wasn't being very faithful- -that thought stops him cold- -his eyes glazing over slightly- -realization settling down in his stomach- -to curdle and fester- -had spent an entire day fooling around with Remus- -and hadn't considered his wife once- -not since this morning- -when a blowjob had pushed her out of his thoughts- -grits his teeth-

Remus: -trying to write as eloquently as possible that he and James wish to be put back into missions- -also writing that he wants nothing more to do with the wolves- -but as soon as he writes James' name- -thinks back to what he'd just done- -even more ashamed of it- -but also a little.. surprised- -he'd just fantasized about James- -not Sirius- -it was a bit of a life-halting moment- -everything they'd been doing- -the fact that he'd been able to get hard at all- -it meant the bond had to be severed- -when Sirius died- -the bond died with it- -Sirius had never really known about it- -not really- -but it was still incredibly painful- -blots the ink- -from pressing the quill too hard- -thankful to be sitting down- -sets the quill down- -clutches the fabric of his trousers with his fists- -squeezing his eyes shut- -it was just another reminder that everything had gone to shit-

James: -that realization brings another- -that it had been days since he'd visited her- -and Harry- -and Sirius- -it feels like a slap to the face- -and all the pleasant feelings he'd accumulated- -torn away from him- -ripped up by the idea that he'd forgotten them- -or that he'd abandoned them- ... -it would take too long to walk- -apparates to the cemetery- -leaving the house silent after the loud crack of his departure-

Remus: -hears the crack- -knowing the other's left- -and somehow that triggers it- -stands up so abruptly- -it knocks the chair onto it's back- -shaking- -Sirius was his mate for life- -he'd chosen it- -regardless of what the outcome was- -it wasn't fair that death broke the bond- -that was supposed to be _his_- -it was supposed to transcend everything- -even when they were broken up- -that was still there- -it was never supposed to go away- -even now- -thought he still had that connection with Sirius- -but it was gone- -there was nothing left- -_nothing_- You fucking bastard..! -cries- -throwing everything off the desk into a scattered disarray onto the floor- You weren't supposed to die..! -kicks the chair- -splintering the wood- -flips the desk- -this was the wolf- -expressing his pain- -the loss of the mate he never fully had- -and never would- -animalistic cry- -slamming his fist into the wall- -breaking right through it- -shoulders heaving with sobs he'd held in for weeks- -months- -there was so much pain in his heart- Fuck you Sirius.. _Fuck you!_ -slides down the wall- -onto the floor- -weeping- -draws his knees to his chest- -and after a long while- -after sobbing turns to streaming tears- -wandlessly repairs the room- -setting everything back the way it was- -and crawls back into the chair- -returning to his letter-

James: -is right outside the gate when he appears- -his stride his quick as he passes the old graves that meant nothing to him- -his ancestors- -who carved the way for his life- -but who had no impact on who he was- -towards the open grass in the back- -where his family lay- -drops to his knees in front of Lily's headstone- I'm sorry. -grabs the granite- -holding onto the top edge- Lily, I'm sorry. -drops his forehead next to her name- -screws his eyes shut- I didn't forget, I swear. -presses harder- -feeling the hard pressure on his skull- I love you, I promise I do. -starts to kiss the letters that make up her name- -a hint of desperation to his actions- -trying to make up for everything he'd done wrong-

Remus: -finishes the letter- -folds it- -placing it in an envelope- -writes Dumbledore's name on it- -stands- -picking it up- -and the pouch of money James left him- -leaves the house- -walking into town- -first to the public owlery- -had charmed the letter so that should it be intercepted by anyone but Dumbledore- -it would merely read as a letter of gratitude for his condolences in his time of grief- -leaves the owlery- -walking then to the grocery- -uses some of the money James gave him to buy food- -fuck shoes- -buys enough to fill the fridge and pantry for at least a week- -then returns with it- -putting everything away- -just trying to do something to keep from thinking about the break down he'd just had-

James: -spends a long time with her- -cuddling against the stone- -trying to picture it as her- -but it was hard to convince himself- -there was no warm body in his arms- -returning his affections- ... -after a while- -his focus falls on Sirius' instead- ... -gives the stone he was at a final stroke- -a kiss and whispered utterance of love- -before shifting over to sit by his brother- -looks down at his lap- ...so I've been fooling around with Moony. -a bit direct- -but they didn't often beat around the bush together- -they read each other's minds too much- You're probably laughing at me, eh? -glances up at the headstone- -and then continues to talk to it- -trying to picture what Sirius would say in reply- -and would be damned if wasn't close as could be to the real thing-

Remus: -starts preparing dinner- -making a proper roast- -to give them something more substantial than what they've been eating- -and they could have left overs for days with it- -and potatoes- -because meat and potatoes went well together- -throws some garlic and cheese in with them- -mashing them up- -but when all is said and done- ... -just isn't hungry- -leaves it for him- -charmed to stay hot- -goes back to his room- -and tries to sleep-

James: -for some reason- -comes to the conclusion that Sirius didn't really protest it- -if anything- -the voice in his head seemed encouraging- -which was odd- -when he thought of Lily- -he felt this crippling clench of guilt and regret- -but Sirius gave him this feeling of comfort and acceptance- Is it wrong? -finally asks- -craving an answer- -to be told one way or another- -by someone else- -but this time there is no response- -only silence- -crawls closer- -touching the stone- Sirius, is it wrong? -there is only silence- -bows his head- -that would be too easy, wouldn't it?- -shuts his eyes and lets go- -pulling in a long breath- -thinking that perhaps he should go home-

Remus: -lies there for several minutes- -just staring- -feeling lost- -even though the bond between him and his mate has been gone for quite some time- -only just now realizing- -and it was horribly disorienting- -shuts his eyes- -willing himself to pass out-

James: -stops by Harry's grave as well- -only briefly though- -to give it a kiss and tell him he missed him- -then heads out- -and even though it wasn't a long walk- -once he gets past the gates- -he apparates back home- -really ought to put up at least basic wards again- -but it seemed pointless to him now- ... -surprised at the smell of food in the air- -goes to the kitchen and finds it empty- -except for something that had been prepared and left out for him- -confused when he realizes what it was- -glances around- -and then sees that the kitchen was much more stocked than it had been- -knows what Remus must have done- -didn't mind- -as long as he didn't spend all the money James had given him- -feels his stomach growl- -and can't resist serving himself up a plate- -just eating it over the sink-

Remus: -hears him return- -the same sound as when he left- -jolting him awake- -sits up- -rubbing his eyes- -feeling horribly groggy- -with an even worse headache from his earlier outburst- -thankful the other wasn't there to witness it- -slides off the bed- -walking out of the room- -to the bathroom- -to piss and brush his teeth-

James: -could hear the other upstairs- -wonders if he already ate- -or had been waiting- -pauses- -looking down at his plate- ... -feeling shitty now- -if he'd been waiting for him- -sets his food down- -not going to finish yet- -even though his stomach ached for more- -except for a chunk of potato- -pops that into his mouth- -and then waits- -listening for the other-

Remus: -can't stay away from him forever- -they'd already proved that doing that wasn't a very good idea for their mental states- -and if nothing else- -could tell him he sent the letter- -and make sure the other ate- -finishes brushing his teeth- -then descends down the steps- -to find him with a bowl already- ..is it okay?

James: -hears him coming down- -straightens a bit more- -looking at him for a moment- -then nods- Yeah, did you eat yet? -hoping so- -so he didn't seem like so much of a pig-

Remus: -nods- -glad to hear that it had turned out okay- -it smelled right- -but tasting was the real test- -looks up- I wasn't hungry when I made it. Took a nap. Thought I'd come have some now. -sort of true- -moves past him to get a plate- -reaching up to grab one out of a cabinet- -returns to the food- -filling up the plate-

James: -his eyes follow the other as he moves- -his thoughts falling back to what he'd seen- -but he tries to stop that train of thought- -not needing that in his head right now- Also went shopping... -comments- -picks up his bowl again- -and starts to pick at it-

Remus: -lifts a bite to his lips- -pausing when the other talks- Oh, yes. -nods- -takes a bite- I went to send off the letter, and passed the market on the way. Thought we could use some food. -smiles a little- -resumes eating-

James: ...ought to get an owl again. -comments- -more to himself- -walks over to the fridge- -peaks inside- -and sees just how full it was- Get your shoes too? -questions-

Remus: -cheeks burn a little at the mention of shoes- Er.. not yet. I wanted to get the food home and put away. -pushes his potatoes around a bit- I'll go back out tomorrow.

James: -chooses not to comment further- -taking a couple bites to fill the silence- -and then decides to fetch himself a drink- -just a glass of water- -drinks half- -before going for seconds after finishing off his plate-

Remus: -glad he didn't press it further than that- -still felt guilty for even asking about it to begin with- -starts to eat again- -hungrier than he believed himself to be-

James: -looks over at him again- -back to watching him- -trying to keep his thoughts away from everything that had happened earlier- Thanks for cooking. -did appreciate it- -was awfully hungry himself- -though was feeling significantly better now-

Remus: -smiles and nods- You're welcome. I like cooking. -had found it to be relaxing once he discovered it- -and actually had food and a kitchen to cook in- -moves past him again- -to get a glass- -filling it with water- -sips it-

James: You're good at it. -compliments- -wouldn't mind if he kept cooking- -he didn't quite compare to Lily- -but wasn't going to be complaining- -not when he could barely manage himself-

Remus: -smiles- -appreciating the compliment- -looks over at him- -didn't want to think about what happened before- -but didn't want to ignore it- -they'd decided they weren't going to do that- -just.. didn't know how to talk about it- -or express anything, really- -after just having a meltdown where he'd torn apart part of the other's house- -it seemed weird to think about anything intimate with James- -but felt so, so lonely- -and lost- -no longer having that tie to Sirius- -it was devastating- -looks down at his near empty plate- -turns to get more food- -didn't know where to start-

James: Didn't happen to buy anything sweet, did you? -questions- -playing with a chunk of potato- -before taking a bite out of half of it-

Remus: -smiles again- Of course. -the other would obviously be aware of his insatiable sweet tooth and love of chocolate- There's licorice wands, chocolate frogs, flavor beans, and treacle tarts in the pantry.

James: -brows raise- -wanders over to the pantry- -and sure enough- -pulls out a tart- -unwraps it- -takes a bite out of it- -despite the fact that he wasn't finished with what he had in his hand-

Remus: -continues eating- -finishing up what's on his plate- -sips down some more water- -sets his empty plate down- -moves to the pantry- -finding a licorice wand- -starts to nibble on the end of it-

James: -now switching between his meal- -and the dessert- -not the best combination- -but both delicious- -drops the plate on the counter when he finishes- -and then opens a box of beans- -fishing out one that looked interesting- -pops it in his mouth- -fish flavor- -makes a face-

Remus: -raises a brow- -watching him inspect the beans- -can't help but chuckle a little when he makes a disgusted face over the taste of it- What was it? -it was always a risk eating them- -didn't know why he'd gotten them, actually- -well- -there was one that was a decadent chocolate flavor- -but had only come across it a few times in his life- -always hoped to find it again-

James: Fish. -but is already digging through it again- -trying to find another promising one- -is more cautious as he nibbles on the edge of it- Bark. -pops the rest in- -and chews it away-

Remus: -still nibbling the wand- -moves a little closer- -looking down into the carton- -fishes out a purple one- -thinking it's probably grape- -pops it in his mouth- ….Eggplant. -makes a face- -swallows it down-

James: You don't like eggplant? -thought it was good in some dishes- -such idle chatter- -but really didn't mind it- -folds up the flaps of the box and sets it back in the pantry-

Remus: Not as a jellybean. -swallows- -then starts sucking and gnawing on the wand again- -moving to lean back against the counter again-

James: -closes the door- -and looks over at him again- -bites his lip- -something he did when he was thinking a lot- -and was doing far too much lately- -it was a habit he'd tried to break over his years at school- -because it made him look weak- -but it was coming out pretty badly while the other was here-

Remus: -finishes up the wand- -tapping his fingers on the counter- -figures he could start washing the dishes- -turns around- -turning on the water- -letting it heat up- -pours in some dish soap- -then the dishes they used-

James: -sees the other turn- -and his eyes drop down to his arse- -flushes immediately- -the memory of how it looked bare- -and filled with fingers fresh in his mind- -immediately turns his head away- -ashamed of himself- -grabs the bowl- -intending on carrying it over and giving it to the other- -and then walking out-

Remus: -focusing on cleaning- -trying not to let anything else occur to him- -not his melt down- -not his shame- -just.. cleaning- -rationalizing if he could just take things one step at a time- -he wouldn't lose it again-

James: -drops the bowl on the counter next to him- -keeping his eyes averted- -doesn't offer any sort of verbal acknowledgement- -just darts out of the kitchen- -forcing himself to think of Lily- -letting that shame and guilt seep back in- -letting it make him feel horrible- -because it gave him a sense of control- -decides to head upstairs- -knew he needed to sort through everything he'd left on the bed- -and put it all away- -it seemed like a good way to pass the time- -so he enters his bedroom and proceeds to do that- -forcing himself to mourn- -and be upset-

Remus: -pausing in his scrubbing when the other drops his bowl down- -and leaves- -wished he would stay- -but didn't blame him for high tailing it out of there- -just when he'd thought they made progress- -it seemed they were almost worse off than they'd been before they had their discussion- -when he hears footsteps going upstairs, resumes washing the dishes-

James: -slowly puts everything back in its place- -as if it'd never been disturbed- -and ends up going through more- -opening the closet- -and looking at her dresses- -that seemed so empty without her in them- -never paid much attention to them before- -more focused on his wife than what she was wearing- -but now he realizes there were all these details in the fabrics- -that he saw but never registered before- -and they were all he could see- -lifts it to his nose- -and they smell clean- -without her scent- -holds the dress close to him- -shutting his eyes- -accepting the pain- -letting it hurt-

Remus: -washes James' bowl next- -cleaning it out- -once he finishes washing the plate, bowl, and utensils, dries them all separately- -then puts them away- -wraps up the leftover food- -and puts that away as well- -looks down- -sighing- -it felt like the other had gone back to avoiding him again- -which hurt- -but there wasn't anything he could do about it- -had told him how he felt about.. most things- -couldn't force him to stay near-

James: -slowly hangs it back up- -with the rest of her clothes- -closes the door- -and then looks over at the bed- -hasn't been on it yet- -kicks off his shoes- -and slowly crawls onto it- -moving to her side- -and laying down- -resting his head on her pillow- -now that smelled like her- -and that scent is the final thing he needs to snap him- -his eyes water- -slow, silent tears-

Remus: -finishes in the kitchen- -walks out- -up the stairs- -avoiding the room James once shared with Lily- -walking to the room designated as his- -and shutting the door- -changes his clothes- -crawls into bed- -and prays for sleep- -most of the night spent staring at the ceiling- -trying to cope with the real loss of his mate- -eventually falls into a restless sleep-


End file.
